Or Roar

Ready to take on Scuba Diving in Jamaica last week.

I Am Woman - Hear Me Ramble

This is it, time to split my blogs.

It occurred to me while I was running through the damp and fog today, that I generally do two kinds of post on my current blog.  I post about my family-my son-and autism, and I post about ME.  I feel guilty about posting about me much of the time, because if people want to read about Alex, the fam, or Autism, then I am a minor player.  But I am often driven to post about me, since it is the thing I know most about, and sometimes least.  I have been with me from the beginning, as far as I can tell, and there is much to say.  Plus blogging about myself  is more a meditative enterprise than anything, and I do not wish to inflict that on the general public.  And sometimes I wish to go PG-13, and that feels weird where I talk about my son so much.  

Thus, this new blog is born.  I hope to be whitty and amusing, insightful and occasionally teach-y, reminiscent and go-girl-power. Also I am sort of on the back side of a mid-life crisis, so I feel more comfortable talking about that here.  Just returned from a fabulous experience in Jamaica, so am feeling all empowered.  That's it for the explanations, as far as I understand them myself.  I am having delusions of adequacy as a writer, so bear with me and feel free to comment.

Winter Fun

Alex, Jack, and I went skiing today.  It was Alex's third time on cross country skis this year, and the best outing yet.  Blue skies, gorgeous white snow, and warm temperatures.  He is so cute on his little skis, chugging along.  We have discovered a dog/ski trail at the end of our neighborhood, on a nice wooded golf course.  It is not too steep, not too curvy, and not too long.  We have yet to make a full circuit (about 5km) but may get there by the end of the year.

I have had to lay down the law about a few things.  Thou shalt get up on your own, is the big one and was instituted on his last trip.  Thou shalt not whine, another key commandment, was begun on this trip.  And Thou shalt wear sunglasses, will be started on his next outing.  Getting up on his own saves my back, no whining saves my sanity, and wearing sunglasses will be good for him directly.  He looked so cute rolling around on his back trying to figure out how to get his skis back under him.  I think it is excellent problem solving practice.

My motivational techniques sometimes are carrots and sometimes are sticks.  For the first two laws, sticks were in order.  But maybe not your normal sticks.  I threatened him with having to take his skis off and walk.  It went like this...  "Fwuump", down he went in a small heap.  "Mama, mama, pull me up!", from somewhere at snow level.  "Nope, you get yourself up or we will have to take your skis off and head back to the car."  -pause-  "Okay."  And up he would pop, usually sooner rather than later.  Dang, why didn't I do that the whole time last week?  Oh yeah, we were with friends and their kids, and I wasn't sure if he could get himself up.  By the end of that trip I was a bit fried so gave up on all help, and threatened walking because it was all I could think of.  To my amazement it worked, so I am sticking with it.  This time we were on our own, and my main goal was his independence.  I only gave him the tiniest help two times.  He was down at least two dozen.  Ahhhh, the sweet taste of success.  And he had fun!  And so did I.  Whining was minimized as well, and new techniques were dabbled with.  Like side stepping up the steep stuff, and skiing downhill through three inches of fresh powder.  It was quiet glorious.  I was day dreaming of other, longer ski trips to take in the future.  Visions of hut-to-hut trips in the mountains were dancing in my head.  Maybe a day at a downhill ski area with peaks nearby, and trails, trails, trails.  We could even start with the Upper Peninsula of Michigan before heading out West one day.  The whole snowy world awaits.

TAB's

Well, it has been quite a few weeks since posting my glorious New Year's Resolutions.  Glorious?  Only in light of what the last few weeks have been. 

I was out sledding on January 4, having a great time with the family and friends, when an unasked for little slice of life tapped me on the shoulder.  "What?", I said.  "You will have a reality realignment.", it said.  "Again?", "Yes, again.".  Within 24 hours I was in the ER for the worst headache of my life, and constant nausea and vomiting.  Yahoo.  I went in style, in my pajamas and fuzzy couch potato fleece.  And boots, of course.  After ruling out anything truly heinous they sent me home with powerful meds.  These were followed by more meds later in the week, and an extremely slow recovery from a "pinched nerve".  C-1 is where the skull rests on the spine.  C-2 is the pivot point.  Somewhere in all those tiny muscles, ligaments, and joints I came up with a world of hurt.  Nothing showed on the CAT scan or the X-rays, but it is there.  It was two weeks before I could stay upright for more than 20 minutes, or eat a decent meal.  Two weeks mostly face down in bed, with an ice pack on my neck.  Trying to make the knives in my left eye ease up a bit and the rolling in my stomach settle down.  This gave me lots of time to think.

First I thought, "At least I didn't Break my neck".  This morphed into, "At least I am in my nice cozy home, not Haiti.".  Then there was, "Gosh, I think I need to get my husband a medal.", and "Wow my son is adorable, even if I can't do anything with him.".   Finally, "When will I be fixed, I'm getting mighty tired of this."  It seems to be two steps forward and one step back, all the way.  Which is still progress.  After two weeks I left the house for pleasure (one golden hour), then could not get out of bed the next day.  After 16 days I ate my first chocolate (yes, my stomach was that off).  And after 18 days I had my first coffee (perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead.).  Now I am settled into a one-day-up, one-day-down routine.  Not that I do much when I am up, but I dream. 

I started PT a few days ago, and it is excellent.  My PT is an angel, she helped fix my shoulder a few years ago.  Now she is helping to pull my head right off my neck.  This is a good thing, because I have a few tight muscles.  Okay, I have a lot of tight muscles.  I have always been focused on being strong.  Now the cosmic lesson is to take the time to stretch.  I am a very mentally flexible person, probably too flexible, but never gave my muscles that training.  Maybe I should turn it all around, work on being mentally strong, and physically flexible.  Cuz the strength is still there.  Even after weeks in bed my neck and shoulders feel like rocks.

I was once told that it is a good idea to listen to the little lessons thrown your way.  That the universe will throw toothpicks at your forehead to get your attention, and if that does not work then next comes the two-by-four.  Well, my neck has been bothering me a bit for over a year now.  I kept thinking, "I should get it together and do something about this...", and never quite got there.  I am there now, and determined to work on things.   Really, I have no choice.  Other than to give up, but that is no fun.  So I am soldiering on.  PT, stretches, down time, up time, attempt to get one or two things done.  I now have great sympathy for migraine sufferers, and those who have been through car accidents and other long term issues.  I see the agony.  And I am determined to follow where ever this leads.  Perhaps to yoga, maybe bio-feedback.  I have friend that does acupuncture, and I will give it a whirl.  I want to get back to my running, and maybe even ski cross country by the end of the season.  But I think I will stay away from the sleds. 

And what is a TAB?   It is a term that comes from people with disabilities.  A little inside joke.  Because if you don't have a disability label then you are a TAB.  Temporarily Able Bodied.  Make the most of it, folks!

Happy New Year!

Nothing like running at 30 below zero to clear ones head.  Also leaves icicles on you eyelashes, which is pretty cool too.  It has been a long time since I posted and I will now make a vague New Year's Rsolution that I will post "more".  I know, I should be more specific, but I really don't want my blog to be a chore so will leave it to when the spirit moves me.

I have made a few specific resolutions so will share.  That way I can share the guilt if I need to.  In no particular order.
Organize- With the Flylady web site: every day.
Train- With a clicker and my two dogs: every day (if only for a minute each).
Run- 3 times a week, 3 races this year.  1: 5km; 1:10km; 1:1/2 marathon.
Ski- Nordic.  Get Alex into classes, Race 1 time. Learn to wax.
Playdates for Alex- 1 time a week, or more.
Budget- Revamp.
Read- Finish each book club book Before book club.
Food-Improve and have great meals at home with family.
Girl Dates- At least once a month.  4 movies, 4 Art, 4 music.

That's what comes to mind.  Nothing grand and glorious, but keeping things going and having fun doing it.  It is very cold out today, but we have friends coming over from Germany to go sledding so will keep this short.  Hope to ramble on soon.  Keep warm and keep smiling.  Yours- Beth

After the Fall

Back to mud season.  Rain, grunge, tracks in the house.  Not that housekeeping rules my life.  We keep an uneasy truce much of the time.  The house minds it's business, I mind mine.  But even a dirtbag housekeeper like me can only ignore so much.  Mud season.  It is a usual time for my juggling balls to hit the ground, splat.  My son's education, my career, outdoor adventures, fitness, creativity.  Splat.  It is the darkening of the year, cold and wet.  Summer and Fall glory are fading and the glittering season of Winter has not begun.  An in-between place.  A place of uneasy rest.  And some good tickles.  Alex and I have been playing let's-hide-under-the-quilts-and-have-tickle-fights quite a lot lately.  Such a cozy place to be, especially when still in pj's after the initial bathroom runs.  Then again after lunch when we're dressed and bored.  Again in the evening when postponing the bed time routine.  Warm, dark, cozy, comfortable.  He has absoluetly no fear of the dark, and likes to block out all light under the covers.  Then he will tunnel to the end of the bed like a mole.  It's a riot.  A perfect game for these times.  Thank the Lord for goose down, even as I feel sorry for those birds.  A guilty pleasure.  Now is also a good time for cooking.  Some of my 44 pounds of green tomatoes have turned into bonafide veggies, and I have a glorious tomato sauce in the fridge.  More like tomato soup actually, all velvety and smooth.   Tomatoes grown out in the sun and the wind, under the giant sky, chopped and simmered down into one pot and plunked in the fridge.  A concentrating and distilling down.  That is what this time of year seems to be.  A bit melancholy, and more so this year.  A year since we lost our most wonderful dog.  A time when friends and loved ones lost also come easily to mind.  Summer gone, winter coming, the earth in between breaths.

I feel a bit like the grasshopper juxtaposed with the ant.  Oh-oh, winter's coming and only my fiddle is in tune.  But much as I try I will never be an ant.  This is why I try to keep my life simple.  I do not have the routines and habits to support more stuff.  In fact I want to free myself of more stuff.  Clear out the composting items (only metaphorically speaking, I swear) and get down to the really necessary.  Less things to clean the mud off.  Two billion people on this earth live on less that two dollars a day.  I think I can do better.  All I need is a warm house.   And a few clothes.  And my outdoor gear.  And food of course, and my books.  Let's not forget indoor plumbing.  Art supplies are good.  So are my radios.  Gotta keep the two vehicles (well, not really but...) and the washer and dryer are key.  Maybe I can get rid of the pine-cone collection?  But not my rocks.  Or pets!  Hmmm.  Maybe just the mud.

But really, it's all good enough.  Kevin is very busy and business is doing well.  Alex still loves his school.  He now has a new job of calling out the bus numbers for kids to line up at the end of the day.  I got a call from one of the mom's who picks her daughter up, telling me what a wonderful job he does.  And I had tea with his aide last week.  Two and a half hours of sharing about Alex, in both directions.  It was delightful.  She is a grandma and just a marvelous woman.  He is starting to really connect with emotions now, his world is opening up and coloring.  At home we talk about many things, and at school he is learning every day.  He cried and cried at school over a story about a girl who flew out the window and over her town, he could not talk about why.  He told Miss Trudie, "I look out my window and try to fly, but I can't..." and cried some more.  Last year, when Lucky died we told him how she flew up to heaven.  Now he is getting words and images for that sadness, and that is a very good thing.  It is sometimes trying, as emotions leak all over every day happenings, but it was much worse for them to be so deep and impossible to understand.    They say that kids with autism do not have much emotion, and that is so untrue.  What is true is they are often locked off in their own well, with no connection to the processing and logic part of the brain, so that they can only be in one part or the other.   With little or no communication between the two and no understanding of how to corral and control emotion.  Better to just seal that area off.  But you can't.  And then when these kids fall in the well, it is so hard to get out.  Tantrums, head banging, lashing out at others.   Endless fear or rage or sadness.  Until they escape, and leave all those impossible emotions behind, sealed off again and avoided.  Little by little, we are connecting the two, and this will be our biggest job for the next several years.  We get the brunt of this work, and that is fine.  At school he is happy and joy filled.  He is impressing them with his memory and love of academic skills.  And the kids seem to really like him, even if they don't get why he is so quirky.  He still can't converse in kid language, and his attention span and fidgetyness keep him on the move during class.  But with continued work it will all come around.

So things may be muddy and dark, but the world keeps on spinning.  The end of one adventure becomes the beginning of another, as long as you're living in a circle and not a straight line.  I think it is time to go for a run with the new dog... in the mud.  C-ya!

Writing Wanted

I want to write. 
Tried tonight. 
Lots to say. 
No brain today. 
Could be the cold.
Could be the virus.  
Bookkeeping done.
What else desireous?