Time for a little update in blog-land.
It has been a long, long time since my last blog. I had just started my over the top semesters for graduate school, and was not truly sure I would survive. But survive I did. I worked, went to school full time, interned, and attempted to help at home. I succeeded at all but the last. My amazing husband and wonderous son took care of home, and themselves, and kept me going. While I was at grad school, Alex moved to a new school too. He started at Edison Northstar Academy and took on Fourth grade. He had play dates with friends, and did well in Jujitsu. He kept up with drumming lessons, and got out skiing with his dad. Kevin worked on his business, and kept us all a float. And then I graduated. Last May I earned my MSW in Clinical Social Work, and my license too. We enjoyed a fine summer, and then rolled on into Fifth grade. The last year of elementary school, yikes! We started Alex at a fine learning center, to help boost academics, and he has been working hard and developing many great skills. On a sad note, we lost our cat of 19 years. Beeswax passed peacefully in the winter. In June, a new furry friend joined our family. Xander is a guinea pig with more personality and sweetness than can be believed.
Outside our little family there have been many losses, and our hearts have gone out time and again to friends and extended family. It has been tough, and we try to cherish all our people and good times as they arrive.
I still work at the hospital, but am growing restless to put my MSW to use. Kevin is very busy with business, but also got out into the Boundary Water to camp during the coldest week of the year. Yes, he loved it and did it on purpose.
I am feeling the desire to blog now. A new start, and time to tell more tales. So, keep an eye out. Thank you for reading my ramblings, and have a great day.
Peace Out - Beth
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Musings. Show all posts
Monday, March 16, 2015
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Eucalyptus, Torrey Pines, and the Rarest Pine Cone in the World
Sometimes I feel like my life is a random series of very bizarre events that have no connections. And then I have a day like today and it all starts to come together. If you know me well, you know I have lived in New Zealand as a whitewater kayak and general outdoor instructor. You probably also know I lived in Boulder Colorado, where I met my husband, and studied the art and science of massage therapy. And you may even recall that I grew up in central Wisconsin, camping and running around outdoors at every opportunity. And if you know me really well you are aware of my affinity for trees. Trees figure heavily in my life. From the Maple in my front yard that I spent many a happy hour in, to the tall pines at the campgrounds my family frequented, to my many tree friends across the world. I hug trees. I climb them whenever possible. And I generally find them fascinating.
When I was in California last month I paid attention to the trees. Especially the trees on the UCSB campus. There were giant Blue Gums towering over the autism center we attended. They were very comforting to me. I know Blue Gums because I used to camp beneath them in New Zealand when I took kids out on overnights in the bush. They are gorgeous and unusual, with a funky papery bark completely different from my beloved birch bark trees of the North. Instead of white they are tan, and instead of bumpy they are very smooth, with the paper stripping off vertically. And so tall they touch the sky. I have not seen one since NZ, so many years ago. And there they were. Gentle guardian giants. A form of eucalyptus tree that made the whole area smell heavenly.
California is awash in different trees and plants. Different from the stock at home. Trees, bushes, and flowers everywhere, an assault on the senses coming from deep winter. I could spend weeks just exploring and learning about them all. As is was I got the briefest glances and smiles and wonders as I went by. We were very busy on a different mission, but I could not help appreciating the flora. And one thing in particular caught my eye. Here and there some massive pines. Massive, gorgeous, amazing pines. We drove by one in Carpinteria on our last day, with a sign on it that said "1888" on it and half a city block to itself. Oh how I longed to stop and visit that tree! But we were late, so we drove on by and I sadly watched it go. Later that day on campus I spied another huge pine. Huge, beautiful, but no sign. What it did have were massive pine cones scattered beneath it. I could not help myself. I had to have one. I made the boys go on ahead while I searched out an intact cone. It barely fit in my small bag, but I didn't care. I nestled it in there and brought it back home, along with two Blue Gum "acorns". Why? I don't really know, they are just good for my soul.
I have showed off my treasures since we got back. I have carted them around and pulled them out like diamonds. I am such a geek. But again, I can't help myself. To me they are beautiful. And today, I found out more. Looked up that tree in Carpinteria (ahh, the wonders of the internet), and it is indeed very special. Look up The Wardholme Torrey Pine if you are interested, it was transplanted in 1888 by a judge that was also an exotic tree lover. It has a long history. Scrubby in the wild, when these trees are well cared for they grow to magnificent size. I will be back to visit it one day. It is the largest of it's kind at 20 feet 5 inches around. It also turns out the Torrey pine is considered the rarest pine in the world. Curious now, I looked up a campus map of trees at UCSB. Again, the wonders of the internet. I wanted to know what kind of pine I got MY cone from. I knew it was big, and a pine. And now I know it was also a Torrey Pine. A cone from the rarest pine in the world. It took 2-3 years for the cone to mature and drop. It is as big as they come for the species, 6 inches tall and 6 inches across. It even came with a dozen giant pine nuts that Alex kindly freed for us. It will not grow in my home area, but we can show it off for years to come.
What does it all mean? That I am a nut, with a big pine cone and a good eye? That my life is all tying together in a most interesting way? That I am on the right path? That I am pure crazy? I don't really know, but it all makes me smile. Smile, and laugh. And smile, and laugh, and want to share a story of the crazy, beautiful, unexpected nature of this thing we call life.
When I was in California last month I paid attention to the trees. Especially the trees on the UCSB campus. There were giant Blue Gums towering over the autism center we attended. They were very comforting to me. I know Blue Gums because I used to camp beneath them in New Zealand when I took kids out on overnights in the bush. They are gorgeous and unusual, with a funky papery bark completely different from my beloved birch bark trees of the North. Instead of white they are tan, and instead of bumpy they are very smooth, with the paper stripping off vertically. And so tall they touch the sky. I have not seen one since NZ, so many years ago. And there they were. Gentle guardian giants. A form of eucalyptus tree that made the whole area smell heavenly.
California is awash in different trees and plants. Different from the stock at home. Trees, bushes, and flowers everywhere, an assault on the senses coming from deep winter. I could spend weeks just exploring and learning about them all. As is was I got the briefest glances and smiles and wonders as I went by. We were very busy on a different mission, but I could not help appreciating the flora. And one thing in particular caught my eye. Here and there some massive pines. Massive, gorgeous, amazing pines. We drove by one in Carpinteria on our last day, with a sign on it that said "1888" on it and half a city block to itself. Oh how I longed to stop and visit that tree! But we were late, so we drove on by and I sadly watched it go. Later that day on campus I spied another huge pine. Huge, beautiful, but no sign. What it did have were massive pine cones scattered beneath it. I could not help myself. I had to have one. I made the boys go on ahead while I searched out an intact cone. It barely fit in my small bag, but I didn't care. I nestled it in there and brought it back home, along with two Blue Gum "acorns". Why? I don't really know, they are just good for my soul.
I have showed off my treasures since we got back. I have carted them around and pulled them out like diamonds. I am such a geek. But again, I can't help myself. To me they are beautiful. And today, I found out more. Looked up that tree in Carpinteria (ahh, the wonders of the internet), and it is indeed very special. Look up The Wardholme Torrey Pine if you are interested, it was transplanted in 1888 by a judge that was also an exotic tree lover. It has a long history. Scrubby in the wild, when these trees are well cared for they grow to magnificent size. I will be back to visit it one day. It is the largest of it's kind at 20 feet 5 inches around. It also turns out the Torrey pine is considered the rarest pine in the world. Curious now, I looked up a campus map of trees at UCSB. Again, the wonders of the internet. I wanted to know what kind of pine I got MY cone from. I knew it was big, and a pine. And now I know it was also a Torrey Pine. A cone from the rarest pine in the world. It took 2-3 years for the cone to mature and drop. It is as big as they come for the species, 6 inches tall and 6 inches across. It even came with a dozen giant pine nuts that Alex kindly freed for us. It will not grow in my home area, but we can show it off for years to come.
What does it all mean? That I am a nut, with a big pine cone and a good eye? That my life is all tying together in a most interesting way? That I am on the right path? That I am pure crazy? I don't really know, but it all makes me smile. Smile, and laugh. And smile, and laugh, and want to share a story of the crazy, beautiful, unexpected nature of this thing we call life.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Winter into Spring
As winter turns into spring around here, everything seems topsy-turvy. Letting go of the long winter, and trying to look forward to the spring and summer, has brought on some regrets and much musings. I regret that I did not embrace the winter fully, even though it was excellent for skiing and outdoor pursuits. I let my fitness go and am now clawing my way back to where I was last October. Geez Louise, if only I had just kept going a bit with fitness... I am in the messy middle of our Financial Peace University class. Really coming to grips with where we are financially, and all the decisions that have led to this very spot. Yikes, that is not very fun... Thinking about our business I consider all that we have not done for that as well; budgeting, planning, and general management. Sigh.... My work has been particularly challenging lately, as we are chronically short staffed, sometimes three or four short. And while this has led to good decisions for picking up extra shifts, I have not felt like I have been doing a great job while juggling all the extra duties. Plus the acuity has been high, and my last shift had me dealing with a violent offender, which is never fun. Harumpff.... I am looking forward to warm weather and activities, but nervous about the time and skill needed to finally complete the long awaited attic project. What if I do all my parts wrong...
That's about it and those are the major brain twisters. I do always have the blessing to hang on to that my wonderful son Alex is in the best school in the whole universe. And I am married to a fantastic guy. And I have some of the best friends in the whole world. And I can back surf. Other than that, does the rest really matter?
So I try to hear the regrets, and use them to plan for the future. Learn from the mistakes and mis-steps, and move on. It is hard! But maybe hard work has it's own rewards. Spring is truly right around the corner, things will green up over the next few weeks, and as the sun gets stronger I will leave these winter blahs behind. Time to plan the garden, set up a few camping and outdoor adventures, and get to work on that attic... -Beth out
That's about it and those are the major brain twisters. I do always have the blessing to hang on to that my wonderful son Alex is in the best school in the whole universe. And I am married to a fantastic guy. And I have some of the best friends in the whole world. And I can back surf. Other than that, does the rest really matter?
So I try to hear the regrets, and use them to plan for the future. Learn from the mistakes and mis-steps, and move on. It is hard! But maybe hard work has it's own rewards. Spring is truly right around the corner, things will green up over the next few weeks, and as the sun gets stronger I will leave these winter blahs behind. Time to plan the garden, set up a few camping and outdoor adventures, and get to work on that attic... -Beth out
Thursday, December 30, 2010
It's A Wrap
I stole these questions off my friend Kimberly's blog. Well, I've never actually met her in the real world, but since she is partners with a very dear friend of mine who I do know in the real world I think it all counts. Anywho, here we go...
So, there it is. The recap. Am sure I forgot tons and would write it three more different ways on three other days. C'est la vie, 2011 is coming fast and better done than perfect. Bon voyage!
2010
What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Walked 60 miles in 3 days, plus 250 in training. 'Nuf said.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Can't remember last years, if I find them I will add them. Making some for next year, to include regular exercise, keeping my place clean (starting Fly Lady on 1/1/11, again), and embracing work. I know... boring!!
Did anyone close to you die? Thank God, no.
What countries did you visit? Jamaica. Yep, very lucky, and there was NO hard work involved. Yes, I am likely to burn in hell.
What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Fun with power tools. Time to really build that attic bedroom.
What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Ummm, only thing I can think of is January 4. It really sucked and I ended up in the ER.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? See Question #1. Plus raised over $3,000 for breast cancer research.
What was your biggest failure? No Christmas cards. Earth-shattering, eh? Oh, and terrible with Thank You cards. That one actually is rather earth shattering :o(
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah, another year another injury. January 4 touched off a month in bed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Damn sledding. Couldn't even read because I had to be face down.
What was the best thing you bought? A tie, the book Deep Economy and the book Framework.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Can't remember last years, if I find them I will add them. Making some for next year, to include regular exercise, keeping my place clean (starting Fly Lady on 1/1/11, again), and embracing work. I know... boring!!
Did anyone close to you die? Thank God, no.
What countries did you visit? Jamaica. Yep, very lucky, and there was NO hard work involved. Yes, I am likely to burn in hell.
What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Fun with power tools. Time to really build that attic bedroom.
What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Ummm, only thing I can think of is January 4. It really sucked and I ended up in the ER.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? See Question #1. Plus raised over $3,000 for breast cancer research.
What was your biggest failure? No Christmas cards. Earth-shattering, eh? Oh, and terrible with Thank You cards. That one actually is rather earth shattering :o(
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah, another year another injury. January 4 touched off a month in bed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Damn sledding. Couldn't even read because I had to be face down.
What was the best thing you bought? A tie, the book Deep Economy and the book Framework.
Whose behaviour merited celebration? My son, making tons of gains. And all his teachers and helpers, and especially his little friends.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Most Republicans; and lazy, shortsighted Democrats that didn't see the steamrollering coming. Next year is gonna blow.
Where did most of your money go? Savings!!
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our little business maturing and taking off, with new art work to boot from a super cool artist. Had great times with my family of origin this year too. Super cool!
What song will always remind you of 2010? Theme music from Battlestar Galactica. Yes, the series has been done for a few years. Worth the wait.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Camping and blogging and boating.
Did you fall in love in 2010? My son, again. Husband a close second.
What did you want and get? To give back my foster dog to her original owners, and their kids.
What did you want and not get? A new job. But coming to terms nicely with the current one.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Most Republicans; and lazy, shortsighted Democrats that didn't see the steamrollering coming. Next year is gonna blow.
Where did most of your money go? Savings!!
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our little business maturing and taking off, with new art work to boot from a super cool artist. Had great times with my family of origin this year too. Super cool!
What song will always remind you of 2010? Theme music from Battlestar Galactica. Yes, the series has been done for a few years. Worth the wait.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Camping and blogging and boating.
Did you fall in love in 2010? My son, again. Husband a close second.
What did you want and get? To give back my foster dog to her original owners, and their kids.
What did you want and not get? A new job. But coming to terms nicely with the current one.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Frickin' Oww
Ow. OW. OWWW! I injured myself in a truly stupid way today, and here I sit with a bag of frozen peas on my head. Frickin' hell. Ow.
It all comes from dog trauma. There is the foster dog. There is the family dog. And there has been the tension of when the foster dog will go away to bother our family no more. How does she bother me? Let me count the ways... She barks, all the time. She digs, like a steam shovel. She escapes with elan. She has attacked our neighbor dog, and knocked over our elderly neighbor in the process, after busting out our back door. She does not listen. She table surfs during dinner if we are not watching closely. She does not care about the humans opinions. She pulls like a badger when on the leash, and runs like the wind when off. She is aggressive with 80% of female dogs we come in contact with. We can barely take her out of the house, much less on trails, trips, and camping. She is not the dog for us. And, apparently she has very tasty poo.
We have known this for a long time now. Our good dog has one flaw. He likes to eat her poo. This is just about the grossest thing on the planet, and we cannot wait for it to be solved by her departure. It cannot come soon enough. Today we finally got a call from her owner, and it looks like she will be going home by Thanksgiving. Hallelujah! That was a wonderful moment. 20 minutes later Jack was in the bath because he had somehow become covered in her poo, head, back, side. He was a gross and disgusting mess, like never before. He must have been anticipating her departure too. That was an infuriating moment. A frustrating, infuriating, Now-we-have-had-ENOUGH moment. Makes you want to scream. I held back quite well, I thought, and barely let out a peep. I had it all under control, until after dinner. Our good dog needed to go out, so I had him on the leash, and then the other one was scrambling to get out the door too. I grabbed her collar, tried to hold him back, and opened the door to reach for the lead outside for her. In the process, pissed as all hell, I didn't see the metal door catch on the door frame.
You never really know how fast you are moving, until you hit something. It is harder to see things when you are pissed as all hell. And you may never really know how much patience you have until you live with shit eating, barking, pulling, running, digging, attacking dogs. If I am very lucky, this particular life lesson will be completed around Thanksgiving and my bruise will have faded by then. Pass the gravy.
ps I should also reveal that this all came about because I was trying to find another Lucky Dog. I was trying to make something happen that had happened as a gift. Ungrateful for what I had, I pushed too hard and came up with Sofie. Today the saga closed and it looks like Sofie will be going to her home, and today it is two years since I put Lucky down. I am happy, I am sad, I am ready to be grateful. Good night.
It all comes from dog trauma. There is the foster dog. There is the family dog. And there has been the tension of when the foster dog will go away to bother our family no more. How does she bother me? Let me count the ways... She barks, all the time. She digs, like a steam shovel. She escapes with elan. She has attacked our neighbor dog, and knocked over our elderly neighbor in the process, after busting out our back door. She does not listen. She table surfs during dinner if we are not watching closely. She does not care about the humans opinions. She pulls like a badger when on the leash, and runs like the wind when off. She is aggressive with 80% of female dogs we come in contact with. We can barely take her out of the house, much less on trails, trips, and camping. She is not the dog for us. And, apparently she has very tasty poo.
We have known this for a long time now. Our good dog has one flaw. He likes to eat her poo. This is just about the grossest thing on the planet, and we cannot wait for it to be solved by her departure. It cannot come soon enough. Today we finally got a call from her owner, and it looks like she will be going home by Thanksgiving. Hallelujah! That was a wonderful moment. 20 minutes later Jack was in the bath because he had somehow become covered in her poo, head, back, side. He was a gross and disgusting mess, like never before. He must have been anticipating her departure too. That was an infuriating moment. A frustrating, infuriating, Now-we-have-had-ENOUGH moment. Makes you want to scream. I held back quite well, I thought, and barely let out a peep. I had it all under control, until after dinner. Our good dog needed to go out, so I had him on the leash, and then the other one was scrambling to get out the door too. I grabbed her collar, tried to hold him back, and opened the door to reach for the lead outside for her. In the process, pissed as all hell, I didn't see the metal door catch on the door frame.
You never really know how fast you are moving, until you hit something. It is harder to see things when you are pissed as all hell. And you may never really know how much patience you have until you live with shit eating, barking, pulling, running, digging, attacking dogs. If I am very lucky, this particular life lesson will be completed around Thanksgiving and my bruise will have faded by then. Pass the gravy.
ps I should also reveal that this all came about because I was trying to find another Lucky Dog. I was trying to make something happen that had happened as a gift. Ungrateful for what I had, I pushed too hard and came up with Sofie. Today the saga closed and it looks like Sofie will be going to her home, and today it is two years since I put Lucky down.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What I Did With My Summer Vacation
I am busy remembering how to blog. T'was a crazy summer and the hit list will just have to wait. Just wanted to jump onto the blog to prime the pump a bit. I get overwhelmed sometimes (all the time?) and get myself into a tizzy thinking I will be stuck forever going in circles. I don't have to do it all at once, and everything could be much worse. Life is actually excellent, everyone is healthy, employed, and moving forward. I spent my summer vacation in pursuit of a goal, and I accomplished that. I walked my 60 miles and compiled and gave away over $3,300 in the fight against breast cancer. Now, as I return to my regularly scheduled life, I can re-organize and prioritize. Right?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
More Good News
What a great summer. Alex has been at "summer camp" Mondays through Thursdays since June. I was worried because there is no assistant, but it is the preschool program he attended for a year, and his teacher is still there. She and the rest of the staff assured me they could handle him, and boy were they right. He has been coming home and teaching me new games and new songs. I have learned all about Toilet Tag and Fishy Fishy Cross My Ocean, as well as Flag Flag Firecracker. He is doing all the things this summer of six that I hoped he would be doing back in his five year old pre-school year. He is interacting with kids, following complicated verbal directions from teachers, coming up with new and interesting things to say and do, and generally being a kid in a pre-school program. He does not have bad behaviors because he does not understand and cannot communicate in the typical way. No more rolling on peers as a way to interact, or pulling hair as a worse way to interact. No more blank stares when asked what he did that day. He does not need someone to sit right next to him to keep him on task, or even remaining in the circle. He does still flap his hands when excited, and talk in a mostly routine way about the things He wants to talk about (storms, tornados, lightening, and red lights), but he is willing to change the subject when led that way. And he is happy. Truly happy, smiling, and having fun. He even teases the teachers a little. We still need to work on in- depth interaction with peers, but it is good enough for the moment that he is all about the games, and songs, and even art projects. Plus they hike to about two playgrounds a day and sometimes even get to take the bus to outdoor kid shows. He has embraced it all. I know we will continue to have attention problems once it is school work mixed in with the fun, but I don't really care. We'll get there, and I am a very happy camper. I felt guilty about having him gone so much, but I knew I could not give him the consistent kid exposure and routine he needed. Plus we have had marvelous adventures Friday - Sunday, with swimming, kayaking, travel, and just swinging in the yard. Ahhhhh, sweet summer.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The Days of Pooh
I have loved my son since the day he was born. Loved him so deeply and fiercely that sometimes it takes my breath away. Every day in so many ways, it continues to amaze me. He is always changing. I remember when he was just a tiny baby at two months old. That was him. I could not conceptualize that he would ever change, and when a savvy co-worker gave me 12months and 2T outfits for a shower I panicked. Those clothes were so big and foreign. Would he still be adorable? Would he be a stranger? How could he ever change so much? How would I ever know enough to handle such a giant? Granted I was sleep deprived at the time and rather fragile, but the concerns were real even if the fears were over the top.
Drop in six odd years later and I have come to terms with a few things. My son will grow, and change, and still be magic in my eyes. Some time frames will be good, some time frames will be bad, and we will get through it all with love and life in tact. That said I am feeling a bit of that old panic tonight.
Tonight was golden. The evening of Father's Day. I worked all day and the boys had some marvelous adventures. When I got home I took our son off Daddy's hands, and took him for a river swim. We met up with boating friends who all managed to spawn at the same time. All of different ages, situations, and locales, four families ended up with kiddos traveling the same grade, and we meet up every season or more for various adventures. Tonight it was taking the kids "swimming" at a bend in the Knife River, a quiet Northwoods spot, not well traveled or much disturbed. It was the perfect spot for a kindergarten adventure. They do not need to go far to find adventure. Being out of sight of the car, and away from the trail is a thrill. Crossing calf deep water running mildly down rapids was enough for each of them to cling and squeal. Once we got to the pool with some currant at the far side I took to ferrying the little tykes across a six foot section of chest deep water (for them) so each could scramble up near the cliff wall. They would stand dripping and proud, looking about with big eyes, deciding if they wanted to jump back into my arms or just take a hand and try to flounder across. It was exciting and heart pounding, for kids and adults. I found myself counting them over and over as we all spread out a bit, making sure the ducklings were safe. They are still small enough to need that, and they stay close enough for it to be possible. Not a one strong enough or confident enough to really swim or duck dive in the four feet deep moving water. Moving lazily in the pool, but still moving, and absolutely impossible to see through. All my old lifeguard skills perked up. And I was busy with fun too.
There was much ferrying, but also spins through the water, assisted jumps straight out of the water, traverses below mini-rapids, and piggybacks across the stones. The little ones are still so tactile. There was Alex, his best buddy from school Lily, Carver a little blondie, and Elaina the peanut. Too excited to talk, mostly they would just flounder over and point or gesture where, or what. They are not quite up to my chest, so my height was a big advantage for their swimming experience. Plus I was one of the first parents in so I didn't mind getting soaked in the play. We caught the last of the afternoon sun as we got in the first river swim of the year. Alex loved it, and I see lots of potential for river or creek swims yet this summer. Tomorrow is the solstice, and we are just getting started.
And then there is Pooh. Alex likes to say, "Oh, bother.", when something does not go right, and he often talks about Pooh, and Piglet, and Eeyore. He wants to know what will happen if he gets blown by the wind when holding onto a string, or if there are Woozles or Heffalumps under the bed. Sometimes he even says, "Tiddley pom", or "Tut tut, looks like rain.". Often he says, "Mama, I am rumbly in my tumbly." And his little friends are right there too. They are in the age of discovery, wondering at the Hundred Acre Woods. Innocent as Pooh, scared as Piglet, brave as Tigger. I saw it in their faces on the river. Their joy at being there, their dawning realization of the wider world. Excitement at the splash of water and miracle of swimming skills. And their exhaustion at the end of the short adventure. The help needed with wet suits and tired emotions. The little hands seeking out mom or dad, needing steadiness and strength, wanting warmth and security. The adventure wrapped up with kids bouncing about in their orbits, and parents making plans. Then we all parted ways and it was me and my Alex. My wonderful, innocent, Pooh loving Alex. And this is where the panic comes in. I love this age so much I fear the future, where he will not have Pooh as his hero. When he leaves behind Piglet and takes up with Mario, or a Power Ranger, or something worse. I wonder if I am destined to be always missing the Age of Pooh. I wonder if he will change into something totally different as he grows. I wonder if the real world will tarnish him in a way the Hundred Acre Woods never could. I wonder if I will be able to keep him safe once he's too big to need to hold my hand. That is exactly when the world gets it's most dangerous.
But for now he is still in my safe keeping. I keep a weather eye on him, as do all the other good big people in his life. I am loving all our adventures, and really do look forward to him growing up so we can go further, and faster, with just as much fun. Maybe I will get lucky. Maybe he will always have a soft spot for the silly old bear. Maybe the world will keep him as safe as I want him to be. Maybe he will have more good judgment than I ever had. Maybe the older me will discover like the younger one did, this panic too shall pass.
Drop in six odd years later and I have come to terms with a few things. My son will grow, and change, and still be magic in my eyes. Some time frames will be good, some time frames will be bad, and we will get through it all with love and life in tact. That said I am feeling a bit of that old panic tonight.
Tonight was golden. The evening of Father's Day. I worked all day and the boys had some marvelous adventures. When I got home I took our son off Daddy's hands, and took him for a river swim. We met up with boating friends who all managed to spawn at the same time. All of different ages, situations, and locales, four families ended up with kiddos traveling the same grade, and we meet up every season or more for various adventures. Tonight it was taking the kids "swimming" at a bend in the Knife River, a quiet Northwoods spot, not well traveled or much disturbed. It was the perfect spot for a kindergarten adventure. They do not need to go far to find adventure. Being out of sight of the car, and away from the trail is a thrill. Crossing calf deep water running mildly down rapids was enough for each of them to cling and squeal. Once we got to the pool with some currant at the far side I took to ferrying the little tykes across a six foot section of chest deep water (for them) so each could scramble up near the cliff wall. They would stand dripping and proud, looking about with big eyes, deciding if they wanted to jump back into my arms or just take a hand and try to flounder across. It was exciting and heart pounding, for kids and adults. I found myself counting them over and over as we all spread out a bit, making sure the ducklings were safe. They are still small enough to need that, and they stay close enough for it to be possible. Not a one strong enough or confident enough to really swim or duck dive in the four feet deep moving water. Moving lazily in the pool, but still moving, and absolutely impossible to see through. All my old lifeguard skills perked up. And I was busy with fun too.
There was much ferrying, but also spins through the water, assisted jumps straight out of the water, traverses below mini-rapids, and piggybacks across the stones. The little ones are still so tactile. There was Alex, his best buddy from school Lily, Carver a little blondie, and Elaina the peanut. Too excited to talk, mostly they would just flounder over and point or gesture where, or what. They are not quite up to my chest, so my height was a big advantage for their swimming experience. Plus I was one of the first parents in so I didn't mind getting soaked in the play. We caught the last of the afternoon sun as we got in the first river swim of the year. Alex loved it, and I see lots of potential for river or creek swims yet this summer. Tomorrow is the solstice, and we are just getting started.
And then there is Pooh. Alex likes to say, "Oh, bother.", when something does not go right, and he often talks about Pooh, and Piglet, and Eeyore. He wants to know what will happen if he gets blown by the wind when holding onto a string, or if there are Woozles or Heffalumps under the bed. Sometimes he even says, "Tiddley pom", or "Tut tut, looks like rain.". Often he says, "Mama, I am rumbly in my tumbly." And his little friends are right there too. They are in the age of discovery, wondering at the Hundred Acre Woods. Innocent as Pooh, scared as Piglet, brave as Tigger. I saw it in their faces on the river. Their joy at being there, their dawning realization of the wider world. Excitement at the splash of water and miracle of swimming skills. And their exhaustion at the end of the short adventure. The help needed with wet suits and tired emotions. The little hands seeking out mom or dad, needing steadiness and strength, wanting warmth and security. The adventure wrapped up with kids bouncing about in their orbits, and parents making plans. Then we all parted ways and it was me and my Alex. My wonderful, innocent, Pooh loving Alex. And this is where the panic comes in. I love this age so much I fear the future, where he will not have Pooh as his hero. When he leaves behind Piglet and takes up with Mario, or a Power Ranger, or something worse. I wonder if I am destined to be always missing the Age of Pooh. I wonder if he will change into something totally different as he grows. I wonder if the real world will tarnish him in a way the Hundred Acre Woods never could. I wonder if I will be able to keep him safe once he's too big to need to hold my hand. That is exactly when the world gets it's most dangerous.
But for now he is still in my safe keeping. I keep a weather eye on him, as do all the other good big people in his life. I am loving all our adventures, and really do look forward to him growing up so we can go further, and faster, with just as much fun. Maybe I will get lucky. Maybe he will always have a soft spot for the silly old bear. Maybe the world will keep him as safe as I want him to be. Maybe he will have more good judgment than I ever had. Maybe the older me will discover like the younger one did, this panic too shall pass.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Rambling
Wow, just did a mega post on the other site. I sat down at 7:45 to do a quick update and now it is 9:20. Dang. But that cleared up some space in my brain so it was worth it. This spring has been rolling along rather fast, but it is almost all good. No, not ALL good, but if it was I'd be a liar. How boring is that? Yesterday was stone cold gorgeous up here. Sun all day, not too hot. I went for a run, cleared more of the house, and went out with a friend I do not get to see much. We attended the opening of an amazing art exhibit and roller bladed along Lake Superior into the sunset. I am going to pay with aches and pains for the next few days, but it was worth it. I hope the summer is just like yesterday, sunny and a little bit cool. I have the gardens under way. The veggie one is cleared and ready to plant. The side one desperately needs weeding, and the lawn needs mowing again. I listed all the house projects we need to do and almost collapsed in despair, but then made a list of what we have done in 11 years and was pleasantly surprised. Not such the slackers, but a long way to go. I guess that means we can't die any time soon.
Well, that is all I am going to ramble about. That's it. I am good, my brain is clear, time to sort and haul the final keepers from the attic to the basement. -Cheers
Well, that is all I am going to ramble about. That's it. I am good, my brain is clear, time to sort and haul the final keepers from the attic to the basement. -Cheers
Monday, May 10, 2010
Change sucks
I'm just saying. Really, is there anything more to say? I've been working on changing bad habits and it just sucks. I had those habits for a reason, and the reason was they worked for me. Ignoring my finances worked for me. It took no time, and no effort. And that is my type of living.
Yeah, sometimes I am up for the challenge, and sometimes change just sucks. That's all, gotta go to work.
Yeah, sometimes I am up for the challenge, and sometimes change just sucks. That's all, gotta go to work.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Day 1- Financial Fast
So far so good. Started the Financial Fast today. Not a penny has passed from my hands. Went to work, then came home and had a lovely evening with the boys. Hasn't been hard at all, yet. Just no temptation to run out to the video store after wee one is in bed. Instead I looked forward to calling my mom, and also had a nice bath, and did my needed neck stretches. And still have plenty of time before bed.
We have been on the envelope system forever for food expenses, and incidentals, and entertainment, and trips, and whatnot. This means I go to the bank twice a month and take out our planned amount of cash, put it in the designated envelopes (grocery, eating out, pets, trips, blow fund: which means blow it any way you want, gas, entertainment, clothing, etc.) and when the money is gone, it is gone. No cheats, no stealing, no credit. Theoretically. We have actually been pretty good overall, but have had our weak areas. For this fast I am hoping to do the whole month on only one cash run, and put the rest in savings. It should be fairly easy since whole envelopes (eating out, blow fund, entertainment, clothing) wont be touched. Our whole budget has always been quite limited anyways, but this will give us even more awareness.
What I am already much more aware of is how much of spending is purely entertainment. How often I will go and do things mostly for the kick of spending and for something to do. That walk to the ice cream store. A last minute run to the video store when there is nothing in particular I want to watch. Perusing at the consignment store when I really don't need any more clothes. There is a no window or catalog shopping rule too, so it was a little odd not to look at the print ads from the Sunday paper at work. I usually check out building supplies, appliances, and Best Buy to dream a little, but not today. I saw the ads sitting there and just looked away, aware but not upset. Oh, the marketers don't want to hear about this for sure. I did sneak a peek on my way home at the fun prom dresses in my consignment shop window, but only as we drove by. I don't think it truly counts as cheating. No, not yet. I'm sure that will come, in fact I have two cheats planned, but overall it was a good start to the fast. And I am actually excited to see how it unfolds. 1 down, 20 to go.
We have been on the envelope system forever for food expenses, and incidentals, and entertainment, and trips, and whatnot. This means I go to the bank twice a month and take out our planned amount of cash, put it in the designated envelopes (grocery, eating out, pets, trips, blow fund: which means blow it any way you want, gas, entertainment, clothing, etc.) and when the money is gone, it is gone. No cheats, no stealing, no credit. Theoretically. We have actually been pretty good overall, but have had our weak areas. For this fast I am hoping to do the whole month on only one cash run, and put the rest in savings. It should be fairly easy since whole envelopes (eating out, blow fund, entertainment, clothing) wont be touched. Our whole budget has always been quite limited anyways, but this will give us even more awareness.
What I am already much more aware of is how much of spending is purely entertainment. How often I will go and do things mostly for the kick of spending and for something to do. That walk to the ice cream store. A last minute run to the video store when there is nothing in particular I want to watch. Perusing at the consignment store when I really don't need any more clothes. There is a no window or catalog shopping rule too, so it was a little odd not to look at the print ads from the Sunday paper at work. I usually check out building supplies, appliances, and Best Buy to dream a little, but not today. I saw the ads sitting there and just looked away, aware but not upset. Oh, the marketers don't want to hear about this for sure. I did sneak a peek on my way home at the fun prom dresses in my consignment shop window, but only as we drove by. I don't think it truly counts as cheating. No, not yet. I'm sure that will come, in fact I have two cheats planned, but overall it was a good start to the fast. And I am actually excited to see how it unfolds. 1 down, 20 to go.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
More On Money
Holy crap, we did it. Paid off my student loan. Paid it off early, and paid it off with our very own money. It feels absolutely amazing. Really, really good. And believe you me, I know all about feeling good. I have chased that feeling all over the world. I started early, at 16 I was sky diving. By 22 I was regularly whitewater kayaking, rock climbing, and had even bungee jumped. In fact, I almost got a job as a bungee jumping tech. I knew I would get to test the equipment every day. Yahoo. And that would feel great. Finishing a difficult rapid feels great. Climbing a 5.9 rock face and topping out feels great. Leaping off a 212 foot bridge after a helicopter ride into the bush of New Zealand feels Great. But man, paying off those student loans feels really GREAT too.
As I said in my earlier post, I have been a terrible money manager. I have behaved as if money grew on trees, and it was always harvest time. A few years ago I made up a little ledger sheet called "Gifts and Loans of our Marriage". That was a reality check. We got very far on a fabulous family, student loans, and generous associates. And some dumb luck too. We found our house through our outdoor network, and the seller was very easy on us. Nice old rust buckets with plenty of life left in them have fallen into our laps. Even appliances have turned up when we really needed them. Okay, we had needed a new stove for awhile, the bungee cord we used to keep it closed was starting to fray. But still, a three year old stove for $50. How does that happen? Dumb luck, and a dirtbag willingness to wait. Yes, we have lived frugally, but when push came to shove we got some really big loans and gifts too.
No more. No more loans. No more counting on gifts. And no more ignoring the big things like budgeting the money we earn, a real emergency fund, repairs for the house, retirement, a college education for Alex, and real investments. We are doing a Total Money Makeover, ala Dave Ramsey, and working the Steps. This is not a cult, but it is counter cultural. We are giving up totally on credit. No cards. No payments. No 0% interest and "no money down". We are going back to the old ways, if we don't have the money, we don't buy it. And learning to save for what we need. And learning invest as well. Step, by step, by step. ALL of our personal debts are now paid, and we wont be running out for a student loan or new car. I have personally been tempted, with all the great car offers out there now, but I think I passed the test. Instead I am focused on filling up that emergency fund, having $12,000 for rainy days. Not for cars, or repairs, or trips, or other things we will budget for for, but for emergency's. For the big "What if's" and real general security. Once we have that lump sum (and we are 1/4 of the way there) then we will crank up the retirement fund.
The real key to all of this is controlling people. In specific, the people in the mirror. Along with the the "Loans and Gifts" sheet I toted up all of the income Kevin and I have earned. It is actually more than all the gifts and loans. Whew. That was good to see, and inspiring. Kind of sad, wondering where the hell it all went, but ultimately inspiring. Helped kick us into gear, and really commit to this Total Money Makeover. Now we are running with it, and feeling great. GREAT! I realize now the cost of avoidance. And the freedom of the fight. It is all doable, and it is ALL GOOD.
As I said in my earlier post, I have been a terrible money manager. I have behaved as if money grew on trees, and it was always harvest time. A few years ago I made up a little ledger sheet called "Gifts and Loans of our Marriage". That was a reality check. We got very far on a fabulous family, student loans, and generous associates. And some dumb luck too. We found our house through our outdoor network, and the seller was very easy on us. Nice old rust buckets with plenty of life left in them have fallen into our laps. Even appliances have turned up when we really needed them. Okay, we had needed a new stove for awhile, the bungee cord we used to keep it closed was starting to fray. But still, a three year old stove for $50. How does that happen? Dumb luck, and a dirtbag willingness to wait. Yes, we have lived frugally, but when push came to shove we got some really big loans and gifts too.
No more. No more loans. No more counting on gifts. And no more ignoring the big things like budgeting the money we earn, a real emergency fund, repairs for the house, retirement, a college education for Alex, and real investments. We are doing a Total Money Makeover, ala Dave Ramsey, and working the Steps. This is not a cult, but it is counter cultural. We are giving up totally on credit. No cards. No payments. No 0% interest and "no money down". We are going back to the old ways, if we don't have the money, we don't buy it. And learning to save for what we need. And learning invest as well. Step, by step, by step. ALL of our personal debts are now paid, and we wont be running out for a student loan or new car. I have personally been tempted, with all the great car offers out there now, but I think I passed the test. Instead I am focused on filling up that emergency fund, having $12,000 for rainy days. Not for cars, or repairs, or trips, or other things we will budget for for, but for emergency's. For the big "What if's" and real general security. Once we have that lump sum (and we are 1/4 of the way there) then we will crank up the retirement fund.
The real key to all of this is controlling people. In specific, the people in the mirror. Along with the the "Loans and Gifts" sheet I toted up all of the income Kevin and I have earned. It is actually more than all the gifts and loans. Whew. That was good to see, and inspiring. Kind of sad, wondering where the hell it all went, but ultimately inspiring. Helped kick us into gear, and really commit to this Total Money Makeover. Now we are running with it, and feeling great. GREAT! I realize now the cost of avoidance. And the freedom of the fight. It is all doable, and it is ALL GOOD.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
40 Something
I remember a TV show from the 80's called 30 Something. At that time 30 seemed so old I could barely imagine it. My sister thought it was great. It was all about relationships, and kids, and jobs. I was not set on a future like that. I did not know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted to be "different". Well, I am not sure if I wanted that or if I just was, so I might as well embrace it. I was not a cheerleader in school. Nor was I popular, or a pretty girl. I was mostly ignored and fully aware of it. Not too different to be picked on or hounded, just relegated to the way less than elite. I, however, did not want to be elite anyways, so there. When I learn how to use the new scanner at home I will post a few choice photos. Perhaps my favorite is wearing my short hair in a sea of mall bangs, with my brown psuedo-military outfit with the belt that wrapped two times around and over my shoulder. It had silver bars on it, reminiscent of those big guns whose names elude me right now. Not that I was about to join the Sandinista guerrilla fighters, I just liked the look. I wish I could say I was into hard core punk, but I listened to WIFC like everyone else. Me and Tears for Fears were buds. I did know the one guy in school who put a safety pin in his ear. And, I had a rat tail.
Yes, I was different and did not know were that would take me. Away from Wausau, Wisconsin, that was for sure. I escaped to college, and into the heart of Minneapolis. I went everywhere, partied downtown often, and lived the big city life. Eventually Minneapolis was too mundane, or at least my corner of it, and I tired of urban living. My best friend, who came through it all with me, from kindergarten to sophomore year of college, had similar feelings. She thrived on the urban part, however, and moved to Los Angeles. By 1992 she was settled with a real job, a soul mate, and a baby. I was terrified by this and went off to see the world. Or at least to get as far away as possible from the Mid-West and even the US.
We were in the Gulf War at the time, and I wanted nothing to do with that. I was not a patriot, thought the "war" was a bad move, and could not wait to get out. I hated Bush, had hated Reagan, and was ready to be far, far away. I had vague ideas about falling in love with a man from a foreign country and becoming and ex-pat. This may have been more realistic if men actually looked at me as more than a friend or fun tom boy. Or if I had ever had a relationship that lasted more than two weeks in real time, not counting endless crushes. I had the dream, but it never quite worked out the way I wanted. I spent a few years in New Zealand, which were glorious and grand and worthy. There were men, of course, and I had a few crushes, and was crushed by them. I did have one boyfriend, but since he was totally into me I determined he was not worth having. I did get to keep his best friend, but that story is better saved for another post. Yes, I had a marvelous time abroad, but I did not fall in love. And I did not stay.
All that was still as a 20 Something. And now, here I am, blogging at 41. How did I get here? is a question that has popped up a lot lately. I am back in a town with a very similar feel to the one I escaped from at 17. I have a husband, a job, and a child. A house, and pets, and lots of stuff. I lived for years out of a VW Rabbit, owning no more than the hatchback could hold. Sometimes I feel really old. Don't get me wrong, I do love my life. It is filled with love, and loved ones. That is the most important part. It is also filled with the outdoors and adventures. Smaller adventures than in the past, but adventures still. I love my life, it is just way closer to the show 30 Something than I ever expected.
Yes, I was different and did not know were that would take me. Away from Wausau, Wisconsin, that was for sure. I escaped to college, and into the heart of Minneapolis. I went everywhere, partied downtown often, and lived the big city life. Eventually Minneapolis was too mundane, or at least my corner of it, and I tired of urban living. My best friend, who came through it all with me, from kindergarten to sophomore year of college, had similar feelings. She thrived on the urban part, however, and moved to Los Angeles. By 1992 she was settled with a real job, a soul mate, and a baby. I was terrified by this and went off to see the world. Or at least to get as far away as possible from the Mid-West and even the US.
We were in the Gulf War at the time, and I wanted nothing to do with that. I was not a patriot, thought the "war" was a bad move, and could not wait to get out. I hated Bush, had hated Reagan, and was ready to be far, far away. I had vague ideas about falling in love with a man from a foreign country and becoming and ex-pat. This may have been more realistic if men actually looked at me as more than a friend or fun tom boy. Or if I had ever had a relationship that lasted more than two weeks in real time, not counting endless crushes. I had the dream, but it never quite worked out the way I wanted. I spent a few years in New Zealand, which were glorious and grand and worthy. There were men, of course, and I had a few crushes, and was crushed by them. I did have one boyfriend, but since he was totally into me I determined he was not worth having. I did get to keep his best friend, but that story is better saved for another post. Yes, I had a marvelous time abroad, but I did not fall in love. And I did not stay.
All that was still as a 20 Something. And now, here I am, blogging at 41. How did I get here? is a question that has popped up a lot lately. I am back in a town with a very similar feel to the one I escaped from at 17. I have a husband, a job, and a child. A house, and pets, and lots of stuff. I lived for years out of a VW Rabbit, owning no more than the hatchback could hold. Sometimes I feel really old. Don't get me wrong, I do love my life. It is filled with love, and loved ones. That is the most important part. It is also filled with the outdoors and adventures. Smaller adventures than in the past, but adventures still. I love my life, it is just way closer to the show 30 Something than I ever expected.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Am Woman - Hear Me Ramble
This is it, time to split my blogs.
It occurred to me while I was running through the damp and fog today, that I generally do two kinds of post on my current blog. I post about my family-my son-and autism, and I post about ME. I feel guilty about posting about me much of the time, because if people want to read about Alex, the fam, or Autism, then I am a minor player. But I am often driven to post about me, since it is the thing I know most about, and sometimes least. I have been with me from the beginning, as far as I can tell, and there is much to say. Plus blogging about myself is more a meditative enterprise than anything, and I do not wish to inflict that on the general public. And sometimes I wish to go PG-13, and that feels weird where I talk about my son so much.
Thus, this new blog is born. I hope to be whitty and amusing, insightful and occasionally teach-y, reminiscent and go-girl-power. Also I am sort of on the back side of a mid-life crisis, so I feel more comfortable talking about that here. Just returned from a fabulous experience in Jamaica, so am feeling all empowered. That's it for the explanations, as far as I understand them myself. I am having delusions of adequacy as a writer, so bear with me and feel free to comment.
It occurred to me while I was running through the damp and fog today, that I generally do two kinds of post on my current blog. I post about my family-my son-and autism, and I post about ME. I feel guilty about posting about me much of the time, because if people want to read about Alex, the fam, or Autism, then I am a minor player. But I am often driven to post about me, since it is the thing I know most about, and sometimes least. I have been with me from the beginning, as far as I can tell, and there is much to say. Plus blogging about myself is more a meditative enterprise than anything, and I do not wish to inflict that on the general public. And sometimes I wish to go PG-13, and that feels weird where I talk about my son so much.
Thus, this new blog is born. I hope to be whitty and amusing, insightful and occasionally teach-y, reminiscent and go-girl-power. Also I am sort of on the back side of a mid-life crisis, so I feel more comfortable talking about that here. Just returned from a fabulous experience in Jamaica, so am feeling all empowered. That's it for the explanations, as far as I understand them myself. I am having delusions of adequacy as a writer, so bear with me and feel free to comment.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
TAB's
Well, it has been quite a few weeks since posting my glorious New Year's Resolutions. Glorious? Only in light of what the last few weeks have been.
I was out sledding on January 4, having a great time with the family and friends, when an unasked for little slice of life tapped me on the shoulder. "What?", I said. "You will have a reality realignment.", it said. "Again?", "Yes, again.". Within 24 hours I was in the ER for the worst headache of my life, and constant nausea and vomiting. Yahoo. I went in style, in my pajamas and fuzzy couch potato fleece. And boots, of course. After ruling out anything truly heinous they sent me home with powerful meds. These were followed by more meds later in the week, and an extremely slow recovery from a "pinched nerve". C-1 is where the skull rests on the spine. C-2 is the pivot point. Somewhere in all those tiny muscles, ligaments, and joints I came up with a world of hurt. Nothing showed on the CAT scan or the X-rays, but it is there. It was two weeks before I could stay upright for more than 20 minutes, or eat a decent meal. Two weeks mostly face down in bed, with an ice pack on my neck. Trying to make the knives in my left eye ease up a bit and the rolling in my stomach settle down. This gave me lots of time to think.
First I thought, "At least I didn't Break my neck". This morphed into, "At least I am in my nice cozy home, not Haiti.". Then there was, "Gosh, I think I need to get my husband a medal.", and "Wow my son is adorable, even if I can't do anything with him.". Finally, "When will I be fixed, I'm getting mighty tired of this." It seems to be two steps forward and one step back, all the way. Which is still progress. After two weeks I left the house for pleasure (one golden hour), then could not get out of bed the next day. After 16 days I ate my first chocolate (yes, my stomach was that off). And after 18 days I had my first coffee (perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead.). Now I am settled into a one-day-up, one-day-down routine. Not that I do much when I am up, but I dream.
I started PT a few days ago, and it is excellent. My PT is an angel, she helped fix my shoulder a few years ago. Now she is helping to pull my head right off my neck. This is a good thing, because I have a few tight muscles. Okay, I have a lot of tight muscles. I have always been focused on being strong. Now the cosmic lesson is to take the time to stretch. I am a very mentally flexible person, probably too flexible, but never gave my muscles that training. Maybe I should turn it all around, work on being mentally strong, and physically flexible. Cuz the strength is still there. Even after weeks in bed my neck and shoulders feel like rocks.
I was once told that it is a good idea to listen to the little lessons thrown your way. That the universe will throw toothpicks at your forehead to get your attention, and if that does not work then next comes the two-by-four. Well, my neck has been bothering me a bit for over a year now. I kept thinking, "I should get it together and do something about this...", and never quite got there. I am there now, and determined to work on things. Really, I have no choice. Other than to give up, but that is no fun. So I am soldiering on. PT, stretches, down time, up time, attempt to get one or two things done. I now have great sympathy for migraine sufferers, and those who have been through car accidents and other long term issues. I see the agony. And I am determined to follow where ever this leads. Perhaps to yoga, maybe bio-feedback. I have friend that does acupuncture, and I will give it a whirl. I want to get back to my running, and maybe even ski cross country by the end of the season. But I think I will stay away from the sleds.
And what is a TAB? It is a term that comes from people with disabilities. A little inside joke. Because if you don't have a disability label then you are a TAB. Temporarily Able Bodied. Make the most of it, folks!
I was out sledding on January 4, having a great time with the family and friends, when an unasked for little slice of life tapped me on the shoulder. "What?", I said. "You will have a reality realignment.", it said. "Again?", "Yes, again.". Within 24 hours I was in the ER for the worst headache of my life, and constant nausea and vomiting. Yahoo. I went in style, in my pajamas and fuzzy couch potato fleece. And boots, of course. After ruling out anything truly heinous they sent me home with powerful meds. These were followed by more meds later in the week, and an extremely slow recovery from a "pinched nerve". C-1 is where the skull rests on the spine. C-2 is the pivot point. Somewhere in all those tiny muscles, ligaments, and joints I came up with a world of hurt. Nothing showed on the CAT scan or the X-rays, but it is there. It was two weeks before I could stay upright for more than 20 minutes, or eat a decent meal. Two weeks mostly face down in bed, with an ice pack on my neck. Trying to make the knives in my left eye ease up a bit and the rolling in my stomach settle down. This gave me lots of time to think.
First I thought, "At least I didn't Break my neck". This morphed into, "At least I am in my nice cozy home, not Haiti.". Then there was, "Gosh, I think I need to get my husband a medal.", and "Wow my son is adorable, even if I can't do anything with him.". Finally, "When will I be fixed, I'm getting mighty tired of this." It seems to be two steps forward and one step back, all the way. Which is still progress. After two weeks I left the house for pleasure (one golden hour), then could not get out of bed the next day. After 16 days I ate my first chocolate (yes, my stomach was that off). And after 18 days I had my first coffee (perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead.). Now I am settled into a one-day-up, one-day-down routine. Not that I do much when I am up, but I dream.
I started PT a few days ago, and it is excellent. My PT is an angel, she helped fix my shoulder a few years ago. Now she is helping to pull my head right off my neck. This is a good thing, because I have a few tight muscles. Okay, I have a lot of tight muscles. I have always been focused on being strong. Now the cosmic lesson is to take the time to stretch. I am a very mentally flexible person, probably too flexible, but never gave my muscles that training. Maybe I should turn it all around, work on being mentally strong, and physically flexible. Cuz the strength is still there. Even after weeks in bed my neck and shoulders feel like rocks.
I was once told that it is a good idea to listen to the little lessons thrown your way. That the universe will throw toothpicks at your forehead to get your attention, and if that does not work then next comes the two-by-four. Well, my neck has been bothering me a bit for over a year now. I kept thinking, "I should get it together and do something about this...", and never quite got there. I am there now, and determined to work on things. Really, I have no choice. Other than to give up, but that is no fun. So I am soldiering on. PT, stretches, down time, up time, attempt to get one or two things done. I now have great sympathy for migraine sufferers, and those who have been through car accidents and other long term issues. I see the agony. And I am determined to follow where ever this leads. Perhaps to yoga, maybe bio-feedback. I have friend that does acupuncture, and I will give it a whirl. I want to get back to my running, and maybe even ski cross country by the end of the season. But I think I will stay away from the sleds.
And what is a TAB? It is a term that comes from people with disabilities. A little inside joke. Because if you don't have a disability label then you are a TAB. Temporarily Able Bodied. Make the most of it, folks!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Happy New Year!
Nothing like running at 30 below zero to clear ones head. Also leaves icicles on you eyelashes, which is pretty cool too. It has been a long time since I posted and I will now make a vague New Year's Rsolution that I will post "more". I know, I should be more specific, but I really don't want my blog to be a chore so will leave it to when the spirit moves me.
I have made a few specific resolutions so will share. That way I can share the guilt if I need to. In no particular order.
Organize- With the Flylady web site: every day.
Train- With a clicker and my two dogs: every day (if only for a minute each).
Run- 3 times a week, 3 races this year. 1: 5km; 1:10km; 1:1/2 marathon.
Ski- Nordic. Get Alex into classes, Race 1 time. Learn to wax.
Playdates for Alex- 1 time a week, or more.
Budget- Revamp.
Read- Finish each book club book Before book club.
Food-Improve and have great meals at home with family.
Girl Dates- At least once a month. 4 movies, 4 Art, 4 music.
That's what comes to mind. Nothing grand and glorious, but keeping things going and having fun doing it. It is very cold out today, but we have friends coming over from Germany to go sledding so will keep this short. Hope to ramble on soon. Keep warm and keep smiling. Yours- Beth
I have made a few specific resolutions so will share. That way I can share the guilt if I need to. In no particular order.
Organize- With the Flylady web site: every day.
Train- With a clicker and my two dogs: every day (if only for a minute each).
Run- 3 times a week, 3 races this year. 1: 5km; 1:10km; 1:1/2 marathon.
Ski- Nordic. Get Alex into classes, Race 1 time. Learn to wax.
Playdates for Alex- 1 time a week, or more.
Budget- Revamp.
Read- Finish each book club book Before book club.
Food-Improve and have great meals at home with family.
Girl Dates- At least once a month. 4 movies, 4 Art, 4 music.
That's what comes to mind. Nothing grand and glorious, but keeping things going and having fun doing it. It is very cold out today, but we have friends coming over from Germany to go sledding so will keep this short. Hope to ramble on soon. Keep warm and keep smiling. Yours- Beth
Monday, October 26, 2009
After the Fall
Back to mud season. Rain, grunge, tracks in the house. Not that housekeeping rules my life. We keep an uneasy truce much of the time. The house minds it's business, I mind mine. But even a dirtbag housekeeper like me can only ignore so much. Mud season. It is a usual time for my juggling balls to hit the ground, splat. My son's education, my career, outdoor adventures, fitness, creativity. Splat. It is the darkening of the year, cold and wet. Summer and Fall glory are fading and the glittering season of Winter has not begun. An in-between place. A place of uneasy rest. And some good tickles. Alex and I have been playing let's-hide-under-the-quilts-and-have-tickle-fights quite a lot lately. Such a cozy place to be, especially when still in pj's after the initial bathroom runs. Then again after lunch when we're dressed and bored. Again in the evening when postponing the bed time routine. Warm, dark, cozy, comfortable. He has absoluetly no fear of the dark, and likes to block out all light under the covers. Then he will tunnel to the end of the bed like a mole. It's a riot. A perfect game for these times. Thank the Lord for goose down, even as I feel sorry for those birds. A guilty pleasure. Now is also a good time for cooking. Some of my 44 pounds of green tomatoes have turned into bonafide veggies, and I have a glorious tomato sauce in the fridge. More like tomato soup actually, all velvety and smooth. Tomatoes grown out in the sun and the wind, under the giant sky, chopped and simmered down into one pot and plunked in the fridge. A concentrating and distilling down. That is what this time of year seems to be. A bit melancholy, and more so this year. A year since we lost our most wonderful dog. A time when friends and loved ones lost also come easily to mind. Summer gone, winter coming, the earth in between breaths.
I feel a bit like the grasshopper juxtaposed with the ant. Oh-oh, winter's coming and only my fiddle is in tune. But much as I try I will never be an ant. This is why I try to keep my life simple. I do not have the routines and habits to support more stuff. In fact I want to free myself of more stuff. Clear out the composting items (only metaphorically speaking, I swear) and get down to the really necessary. Less things to clean the mud off. Two billion people on this earth live on less that two dollars a day. I think I can do better. All I need is a warm house. And a few clothes. And my outdoor gear. And food of course, and my books. Let's not forget indoor plumbing. Art supplies are good. So are my radios. Gotta keep the two vehicles (well, not really but...) and the washer and dryer are key. Maybe I can get rid of the pine-cone collection? But not my rocks. Or pets! Hmmm. Maybe just the mud.
But really, it's all good enough. Kevin is very busy and business is doing well. Alex still loves his school. He now has a new job of calling out the bus numbers for kids to line up at the end of the day. I got a call from one of the mom's who picks her daughter up, telling me what a wonderful job he does. And I had tea with his aide last week. Two and a half hours of sharing about Alex, in both directions. It was delightful. She is a grandma and just a marvelous woman. He is starting to really connect with emotions now, his world is opening up and coloring. At home we talk about many things, and at school he is learning every day. He cried and cried at school over a story about a girl who flew out the window and over her town, he could not talk about why. He told Miss Trudie, "I look out my window and try to fly, but I can't..." and cried some more. Last year, when Lucky died we told him how she flew up to heaven. Now he is getting words and images for that sadness, and that is a very good thing. It is sometimes trying, as emotions leak all over every day happenings, but it was much worse for them to be so deep and impossible to understand. They say that kids with autism do not have much emotion, and that is so untrue. What is true is they are often locked off in their own well, with no connection to the processing and logic part of the brain, so that they can only be in one part or the other. With little or no communication between the two and no understanding of how to corral and control emotion. Better to just seal that area off. But you can't. And then when these kids fall in the well, it is so hard to get out. Tantrums, head banging, lashing out at others. Endless fear or rage or sadness. Until they escape, and leave all those impossible emotions behind, sealed off again and avoided. Little by little, we are connecting the two, and this will be our biggest job for the next several years. We get the brunt of this work, and that is fine. At school he is happy and joy filled. He is impressing them with his memory and love of academic skills. And the kids seem to really like him, even if they don't get why he is so quirky. He still can't converse in kid language, and his attention span and fidgetyness keep him on the move during class. But with continued work it will all come around.
So things may be muddy and dark, but the world keeps on spinning. The end of one adventure becomes the beginning of another, as long as you're living in a circle and not a straight line. I think it is time to go for a run with the new dog... in the mud. C-ya!
I feel a bit like the grasshopper juxtaposed with the ant. Oh-oh, winter's coming and only my fiddle is in tune. But much as I try I will never be an ant. This is why I try to keep my life simple. I do not have the routines and habits to support more stuff. In fact I want to free myself of more stuff. Clear out the composting items (only metaphorically speaking, I swear) and get down to the really necessary. Less things to clean the mud off. Two billion people on this earth live on less that two dollars a day. I think I can do better. All I need is a warm house. And a few clothes. And my outdoor gear. And food of course, and my books. Let's not forget indoor plumbing. Art supplies are good. So are my radios. Gotta keep the two vehicles (well, not really but...) and the washer and dryer are key. Maybe I can get rid of the pine-cone collection? But not my rocks. Or pets! Hmmm. Maybe just the mud.
But really, it's all good enough. Kevin is very busy and business is doing well. Alex still loves his school. He now has a new job of calling out the bus numbers for kids to line up at the end of the day. I got a call from one of the mom's who picks her daughter up, telling me what a wonderful job he does. And I had tea with his aide last week. Two and a half hours of sharing about Alex, in both directions. It was delightful. She is a grandma and just a marvelous woman. He is starting to really connect with emotions now, his world is opening up and coloring. At home we talk about many things, and at school he is learning every day. He cried and cried at school over a story about a girl who flew out the window and over her town, he could not talk about why. He told Miss Trudie, "I look out my window and try to fly, but I can't..." and cried some more. Last year, when Lucky died we told him how she flew up to heaven. Now he is getting words and images for that sadness, and that is a very good thing. It is sometimes trying, as emotions leak all over every day happenings, but it was much worse for them to be so deep and impossible to understand. They say that kids with autism do not have much emotion, and that is so untrue. What is true is they are often locked off in their own well, with no connection to the processing and logic part of the brain, so that they can only be in one part or the other. With little or no communication between the two and no understanding of how to corral and control emotion. Better to just seal that area off. But you can't. And then when these kids fall in the well, it is so hard to get out. Tantrums, head banging, lashing out at others. Endless fear or rage or sadness. Until they escape, and leave all those impossible emotions behind, sealed off again and avoided. Little by little, we are connecting the two, and this will be our biggest job for the next several years. We get the brunt of this work, and that is fine. At school he is happy and joy filled. He is impressing them with his memory and love of academic skills. And the kids seem to really like him, even if they don't get why he is so quirky. He still can't converse in kid language, and his attention span and fidgetyness keep him on the move during class. But with continued work it will all come around.
So things may be muddy and dark, but the world keeps on spinning. The end of one adventure becomes the beginning of another, as long as you're living in a circle and not a straight line. I think it is time to go for a run with the new dog... in the mud. C-ya!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Writing Wanted
I want to write.
Tried tonight.
Lots to say.
No brain today.
Could be the cold.
Could be the virus.
Bookkeeping done.
What else desireous?
Tried tonight.
Lots to say.
No brain today.
Could be the cold.
Could be the virus.
Bookkeeping done.
What else desireous?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Hibernation
It's not that I don't like winter. I do. I really do. I get excited to ski the trails, skate the ponds, and hike the rivers. I love to hear water under ice, watch gorgeous individual snow flakes, feel frozen air hit my lungs at 20 below. I love to snowshoe in silent woods and sled the deserted golf courses. When it is winter the world outside is yours.
When it is 40 degrees, and raining, and dark, I just want to go to bed. And stay there. At this time of year it is cold and miserable. The trails are mud, the clouds are grey, and the sun gets up late and goes to bed early. And so do I. This is the Achillies heel of my outdoor year, perhaps of the whole Northland. As the joy of the harvest goes past, and the last brilliant days are wrung out, the darkening of the year begins.
Maybe I should take my cue from the bears. Hibernate for real. Give Christmas a miss and hang a sign on the door, "See you next Spring!". The cat wouldn't mind. I'd have to put the feather bed on, to match the down comforter. Usually I wait until the first real cold snap. Instead I can snuggle in now, and dream away the months. Maybe this year I'll do it, I've had the impulse before.
Yeah, it's not that I don't like winter, I just do not like the build up to get there. I guess I'll just throw in a good movie, drink some tea, and wait, wait, wait for the snow....
When it is 40 degrees, and raining, and dark, I just want to go to bed. And stay there. At this time of year it is cold and miserable. The trails are mud, the clouds are grey, and the sun gets up late and goes to bed early. And so do I. This is the Achillies heel of my outdoor year, perhaps of the whole Northland. As the joy of the harvest goes past, and the last brilliant days are wrung out, the darkening of the year begins.
Maybe I should take my cue from the bears. Hibernate for real. Give Christmas a miss and hang a sign on the door, "See you next Spring!". The cat wouldn't mind. I'd have to put the feather bed on, to match the down comforter. Usually I wait until the first real cold snap. Instead I can snuggle in now, and dream away the months. Maybe this year I'll do it, I've had the impulse before.
Yeah, it's not that I don't like winter, I just do not like the build up to get there. I guess I'll just throw in a good movie, drink some tea, and wait, wait, wait for the snow....
Saturday, October 10, 2009
The Harvest Dinner
I am stuffed to the gills as I write this. Tonight was the annual Harvest Dinner for the Clifton Volunteer Fire Department- Duluth Township. It is held at the Duluth Town Hall out on the Homestead Road. Not on Homestead Road, mind you, but The Homestead Road. There is something very curious about the countryside around Duluth. It is fiercely proud, and quirky. There are people who have lived there for generations, and most of them know their good fortune. Many more have moved in during the last few decades, and they are dedicated to the area. Alex's aunties, Barb and Sherry, live in the country 'round there. They have a gorgeous wooded place, with a house they built from scratch and a shop that is the envy of all. Woods (40 acres), fields, a stream, fire pit, Quonset hut, a huge garden, and now the happiest chickens on the planet; their place has it all. Oh yeah, and a killer dog yard for when they have to go to work, free range cat, and 10 acres of invisible fence for the pooches. Their name for the spread is Camp Bark in the Dark. But I digress.
This year was my first in three that I have made it to the feast. Alex and Kevin make it every time and Alex even made the poster this year. Twirling his pasta on a fork, with a big grin. It is a fund raiser for the fire department, and Sherry is a fire fighter. So is Jody, who also fixes violins and lives nearby. She picked the numbers and our little family had a clean sweep in the door prizes. We walked away with the coolest cutting board ever (wooden circle with an engraved spiral), sustainable farming calendar and gift certificate for the New Scenic Cafe, and alphabet letters that interlock. The music in the background was great, fiddle and guitar duo. It took about ten minutes for me to realize the musicians had also played at our wedding. I thanked them and informed them that the music had done it's magic and we were still happily married eleven years later. There were dozens of happy eaters, all cozy in the Duluth Town Hall. An old country community building that we had wanted to get married at, but could never get ahold of anyone to work it out. The unknown woman we sat next to had fought to create Alex's charter school, when it was slated to be closed 7 years ago. She also knows my great friend Sam. Maybe we have just been in town long enough to make all these amazing connections, but I also like to think we have been doing a few things right along the way. Cultivating what is good and nourishing.
The food, of course, was excellent. Spaghetti with fresh, organic, homemade sauce. Veggies straight from local gardens. Venison and locally harvested meat. And dessert, dessert, dessert. Kevin is going deer hunting at Sherry's tomorrow, and we are hoping for venison of our own. The suckers are running rampant around here right now, and if we don't harvest them they will eventually come up with overcrowding illnesses. Plus they are as free range and organic as it gets. Tasty too. I do still have some lingering, post-vegeterian regrets, but I live with them. We are starting to break the news to Alex about where some of Mama and Daddy's food comes from, he still being a total vegeterian. Not for lack of trying on our part, he just wont touch meat. We started by explaining tonight that we were stopping by Barb and Sherry's after the dinner to close their chickens in for the night. So no other animals would eat them. This is a little part of the world we have not been terribly forthright about. He never asked, we never explained. He was rather interested in this new bit of information, and enquired about what types of animals might eat the chickens. We came up with about a dozen local predators. He didn't ask anything else, but we did forge on and mention Daddy was going to try to shoot a deer tomorrow. I am not sure that he knows what that means, but if Kevin brings one out of the woods I guess he will further his education.
So, now the Harvest Dinner is past and the trees in the country are at their peak of color. I currently have 44 pounds of green tomatoes ripening in the kitchen, and three coolers full of apples. The last of the flowers fill two jars on the table. Tomorrow we may have venison for the freezer and Sherry stated she forsees eggs in our future. Winter is surely coming (especially since it snowed today), but I think our cozy little free range life in Duluth should see us through.
This year was my first in three that I have made it to the feast. Alex and Kevin make it every time and Alex even made the poster this year. Twirling his pasta on a fork, with a big grin. It is a fund raiser for the fire department, and Sherry is a fire fighter. So is Jody, who also fixes violins and lives nearby. She picked the numbers and our little family had a clean sweep in the door prizes. We walked away with the coolest cutting board ever (wooden circle with an engraved spiral), sustainable farming calendar and gift certificate for the New Scenic Cafe, and alphabet letters that interlock. The music in the background was great, fiddle and guitar duo. It took about ten minutes for me to realize the musicians had also played at our wedding. I thanked them and informed them that the music had done it's magic and we were still happily married eleven years later. There were dozens of happy eaters, all cozy in the Duluth Town Hall. An old country community building that we had wanted to get married at, but could never get ahold of anyone to work it out. The unknown woman we sat next to had fought to create Alex's charter school, when it was slated to be closed 7 years ago. She also knows my great friend Sam. Maybe we have just been in town long enough to make all these amazing connections, but I also like to think we have been doing a few things right along the way. Cultivating what is good and nourishing.
The food, of course, was excellent. Spaghetti with fresh, organic, homemade sauce. Veggies straight from local gardens. Venison and locally harvested meat. And dessert, dessert, dessert. Kevin is going deer hunting at Sherry's tomorrow, and we are hoping for venison of our own. The suckers are running rampant around here right now, and if we don't harvest them they will eventually come up with overcrowding illnesses. Plus they are as free range and organic as it gets. Tasty too. I do still have some lingering, post-vegeterian regrets, but I live with them. We are starting to break the news to Alex about where some of Mama and Daddy's food comes from, he still being a total vegeterian. Not for lack of trying on our part, he just wont touch meat. We started by explaining tonight that we were stopping by Barb and Sherry's after the dinner to close their chickens in for the night. So no other animals would eat them. This is a little part of the world we have not been terribly forthright about. He never asked, we never explained. He was rather interested in this new bit of information, and enquired about what types of animals might eat the chickens. We came up with about a dozen local predators. He didn't ask anything else, but we did forge on and mention Daddy was going to try to shoot a deer tomorrow. I am not sure that he knows what that means, but if Kevin brings one out of the woods I guess he will further his education.
So, now the Harvest Dinner is past and the trees in the country are at their peak of color. I currently have 44 pounds of green tomatoes ripening in the kitchen, and three coolers full of apples. The last of the flowers fill two jars on the table. Tomorrow we may have venison for the freezer and Sherry stated she forsees eggs in our future. Winter is surely coming (especially since it snowed today), but I think our cozy little free range life in Duluth should see us through.
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