Beth Up North

Temple Grandin Part 2

2012-02-07T21:37:00.000-06:00

Stretch. Stretch your kiddo with autism. Make sure they are stretched. Dr. Grandin came back to this point several times. She said to push them, but not too hard. She also used widen and broaden. She told the anecdote that when she was a teen her mother told her she was going to her Aunt's cattle ranch that summer. Temple said, "No way.". Her mom said she could go for a week, or for a month, but she was going. She went, she loved it, and it inspired the rest of her life. And she put that all down to being stretched by her mom.

She talked very fast, and although I took six pages of notes I did not get it all. I plan to buy more of her books, especially one on The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. She noted a new book called Asperger's and Self Esteem that she wrote the forward for, which profiles famous folks on the Spectrum. Einstein, of course, is on the cover. While she was very pro-autistic folks, and differing ways of being, she was also a strong advocate for training kiddos in manners and social norms. She made the case for the utility of her Fifties upbringing, and said she was saved from expulsion from school for fighting and aggression issues by finally having horseback riding taken away for two weeks. She said she switched from aggression to crying at that point in her life as an outlet for her emotions. Further on the emotion end she discussed fear. She characterized fear (and anxiety) as the primary emotion of autism, and backed that up by saying her Amygdylla is three times larger than normal. She noted that for kids, caisen free, gluten free, and/or sugar free diets, and fish oil supplements, can greatly reduce anxiety. For adults she is not opposed to low dose anti-depressants for anxiety, and wrote in detail on that in her book The Way I See It, second edition. She has a web site, grandin.com , that I plan to look up soon. Also fhautism.com, but I didn't catch if that is also her web site, or just a strongly recommended one.

Now, how do we know how big Temple's Amygdylla is? Well, she noted she has had many brain scans for scientific purposes. One large set for a US government study, and another set for the NFL! Apparently they have a large brain injury program. She showed several of her brain scans, and they were very cool. She is very lively, in a completely deadpan way. She did reveal she was not feeling well, so maybe she smiles more when not in gastric pain. She had a lot of empathy for non-verbal autistic folks, and went into detail about ways to read their non verbal cues. She also talked a fair amount about Sensory Processing issues, and that the science behind this is getting clarified and solidified. Her charts went by very fast, but she had a big one showing sensory issues as a stand alone issue, as well as an adjunct to about ten other diagnosis, including autism and ADHD. She recommended getting familiar with Google Scholar to get to the good stuff on the internet. She also made several jokes about the autism percentages in Silicon Valley.

Great ideas that popped up. Fluorescent lights often drive folks on the Spectrum batty because they flicker and an incredibly high rate. You can block them with a brimmed hat. You can also cancel them out by putting an incandescent light on a desk that has fluorescents overhead. Also tan, grey, or pastel paper to work on can make a huge difference (gonna buy a ream). The only electronic devices that do not flicker like fluorescents are lap tops and tablets (go I-pad). Colored glasses (called Irilean) or even cheap colored sun glasses can also knock out the flicker. Balancing games, and sitting on a bouncy ball can be very helpful. Do not get hung up on labels, work on the specific problems. Sounds are better tolerated when the child initiates them. NO SUDDEN SURPRISES, these cause extreme fright and tantrums. Weighted vests should be used 20 minute on and 20 minutes off. Oppositional Defiant disorder is caused by stupid math drills. Always work bottom up, teach specific examples before trying to teach concepts. Use associative links back to the persons areas of interest to promote learning. Teach how to do work other people want. There will always be uneven skill development, bold up the strength areas. Hands on activities teach practical problem solving skills. Get kiddos involved with practical skills. Clubs, hobbies, scouts, classes that really interest the student. Start building a work history and ability early on, once you find things the person likes and is good at. Show kids interesting things and places. Teach with real objects as much as possible. Use flash cards with pictures and words on the same side. Kids should be doing project and playing games with other kids where the rules and duties are negotiated by the kids, adults back off.

Yes, I know I just dumped a bunch of stuff with not much of a frame work to hang it on. Sorry about that, write or ask if you have any questions. I wanted to get most of it down while the lecture is fresh in my mind. I wish I could have hung out with Temple (if she had been feeling better), but her personality did a good job of shining through in the talk. She may be completely dead pan, almost no facial expressions, little voice inflection, and few gestures, but she made up for that lack with intelligence, wit, and heart. I will definitely be buying more of her books, and tracking down the HBO movie too. At the end of her lecture she opened up for questions abruptly, and the hall was silent. The first person to venture forth was a middle schooler on the Spectrum. He was clearly uncomfortable walking up there in front of everyone, and his bravery was heart squeezing. He saw Temple as a hero, and she treated him with great respect and attention. I don't even remember what he asked, but the whole thing gave me great hope for the future. It was quite a night, go see her if you ever get the chance.

Temple Part 1

2012-02-07T16:09:00.000-06:00

So, I got in to see the sold out Temple Grandin lecture. It was sooo cool. I thought it might not be, since I have read several of her books and seen many interviews, and figured it might be old hat. No way. She was engaging and interesting, and had a ton to say. Her focus in the lecture was on Autism, but she threw in a little animal science as well. A friend asked if she is the possibility, or the exception, and I say possibility. If this sounds like Greek, let me explain. Temple Grandin is an adult with autism. She is also a Ph D, is very respected in her field, and has written almost a dozen books. She is internationally known for both Animal Science, and as an Autism advocate. Her story is fascinating, with a different family she may have ended up in an institution back in the Fifties. She did not speak until she was three, and had serious behavioral problems. As an adult she presents as extremely unique, but also down to earth and very funny with a dry sense of humor. I say she is the "possibility", because she proves that unique individuals, who do not swim in the main stream, can make it in the real world as adults.

Two of her key points for autistic individuals were: develop your strengths, and sell your work, not yourself. She also made many minor points, including being held to real world standards, developing an experience and work history, and persisting in a challenging society. My favorite line was when she was asked about options for schooling for kids on she spectrum she quipped, "Socializing with teen-agers is not a life skill I needed." She referred several times to raising kids with autism, and said that you need to "stretch" them so they experience much of the world.

There is much more to say, but my son needs his earned computer time, so I will post Part 1 now.

Copy Cat

2011-12-19T21:10:00.002-06:00

     "Copy Cat!" I remember the taunt well from grade school. It was used with highest disdain. But really, we all start out as copy cats. It is what children do as they learn and grow, from infancy on. Think about Peek-A-Boo and Simon Says, both eternally popular children's games. For the typical kid, that is. Atypical kids, kids on the autism spectrum, kids like mine, often they can't do it. Alex would never play Peek-a-boo. Believe me, I tried. Every time he freaked out, and tried to hide or get away. This is one of those red flags. He never copied either. I would show him something to try and get him to look, to copy a simple eye gaze, and he would turn aside. If I went so far to move his head so he could see something cool, he would look down. If I tried to get him to copy a movement, it would be time for battle. It is nearly impossible to make someone copy you, this I know from experience.
     Typical kids love to copy. They will copy and copy all day long. That is how kindergarten and first grade work. Of course it is not perfect for every child, or every day, but the majority of time little kids are happy and excited to try something new. Not my kid. No wonder he needed a 1:1 person to guide him. It is not that he was mean about it, it just made no sense to him and did not feel good to do. He had no "automatic copy" in his programming, and while the other kids were copying he was coming up with something else to do. Something super easy and comfie, like rocking back and forth, or spinning in circles, or flapping his hands.
      Babies start copying their family very early. From eye gaze, to noises, to grabbing things, to "Soooo big". My son did none of that. He also did not show any interest in things just because someone else was interested. Interest was more of a repellent. Conditions had to be perfect for him to show interest. He needed something familiar, presented by someone super safe, in a very mellow manner. Newness was a repellent too. He did not open up a new present on his own until he was about five, maybe even six. We used to have stand-ins open presents for him on his birthday. Overall he was a real trooper through many of the rites of childhood. Things most kids grooved on he just endured. Birthday parties, organized games, pre-school, carnivals, play dates, kids activity day at the Nature Center. He did those things simply because we wanted him to, not because they were fun for him. Zero to eight is a lot of years of not copying anyone. And it makes it almost impossible to navigate the social world.
     The social world when one is small is all about copying. Moving from doing your own thing next to another kid (aka Parallel Play), to actually interacting with other kids and directly copying them is a huge play milestone. That is where the social world really takes off, and it usually happens in preschool, from age 3-5. The little kids start to copy each other, and then the bigger kids, who copied the bigger kids ahead of them. This is how certain things live in the preschools and grade schools, independent of anything else. The same jokes you heard in preschool are still there, and it is not because the teachers or parents promote them, they are alive and well on their own. In grade school games live on the playground, no one is teaching the kids to act like a dog and play puppy school. They get it from older kids, or they get it from each other in a shared consciousness second grade developmental leap. And it evolves. I have watched the games the second graders are playing this year on their own get more and more complex. They copy intricate movements and rules, and then they initiate changes and modifications, present them to the group, and see if they take. If they take, then the group recopies the new trend. It is a mini-version of the fashion industry, or the gaming industry, or even scientific research. In a way we spend our whole lives in society copying what has gone before, choosing to keep what we like, and change what we don't. Copy and initiate, and copy and initiate some more. Someone who can't copy is destined to be out of the loop, and it is doubtful that they could be savvy enough to create their own loop. They just end up alone.
   So, copying is big stuff. Huge. And we have been out of the loop. We, being my son and his fan base. We make the best of being alone much of the time, and he really does not seem to mind, but we have also been working the last few years to make in roads to the ability to copy, and initiations as well. I have forced him to play "copy me" games. We sent him to school to be with typical peers, and have encouraged interaction on all levels. He has been constantly prompted to use his words and express himself with the adults that guide him in life. This last summer we sent him to camp with the main purpose of helping him to learn to initiate conversation and games with young peers. He has been through four sessions of Stage Play Theater to learn the lingo of professional copying and how to be a beginning actor/ copier. And he has been getting it, a tiny bit at a time. A bright spot here, an initiated conversation there. A request for something he wants, but has a hard time asking for. An expression of an emotion without prompting. Games played with kids at school on the playground without intervention. He is the tag master. He is trying hard. He still can't ask a kid to play a game in class that involves language, or hold a kid conversation, but he is trying and learning.
     And tonight, something that prompted this entire ramble about copying. As he was getting last snuggles before bed I tapped a four beat on his little butt. He laughed and copied it on the bed. I made another beat, and he copied that too. Four more and he copied them all. Then I said, "Your turn" and he initiated beats for me to copy. And more, and more. We went on for several minutes. Or maybe only two, but it felt like ten. Such a small thing, but really so huge. After years of trying, and giving up, trying again and learning how to prompt. Being aware of the deficits and trying new ways to approach them. Prompting again and prompting some more. Finally a truly spontaneous copycat session, hopefully a marker of a door that is opening without my noticing it before. Perhaps it was a Christmas Miracle.

What the Heck

2011-12-13T19:24:00.000-06:00

What the heck should I write about in my Christmas letter? There are so many options to choose from. Should I write about everything that has happened in the last year, boring people to death and taking up four pages? Oh, that would be a problem because I didn't write a letter in '10 so I would have to do Two years and Eight pages. How about a short and funny poem that encapsulates the whole family? No, I am just no that talented. How about writing about the day I write the letter, doing a snapshot of life in our household. Hmmm, possibly but I can't be sure. Then there is the question of the tone of the letter. Light and fluffy, deep and serious, cynical and crass? Or really confuse them and do some of each. How about gratitudes? Gratitudes for hearing returned, learning continued, new jobs, or new wood stoves? What about horn tooting our collective horns. There could be business updates, a blerb on volunteer work teaching a financial class, 1000 words about North Shore Community School, or all the hard work our son has done just growing up. There could also be building project updates, pet updates, and garden updates. Oh so many options... I think this year I will go for humor. The rest can wait.

A Winter Camping Poem

2011-10-30T19:54:00.001-05:00

It is 6pm on a Sunday in late October and I am in my jammies. Half the clothes in the house are smoke stinky, the garage is a disaster, the car is a mess, and everyone else is already sleeping. It was a camping weekend, and I am in seventh heaven.

Two nights sleeping in a tent, with frost on the ground in the morning and well below freezing after dark. I almost choked to death on the first night, and was trapped in the tent the second night, needing to pee but with no toilet paper. At times I was frustrated, annoyed, and even pissed. I was poorly prepared, with cruddy shoes, one set of clothes, and no matches or flashlight of my own. But still, I am on a massive endorphin rush.

It could not have been the great conversation with awesome adults on Friday night around a bonfire, because I was busy losing a fight with our stove while watching Alex and the dog. It could not have been the fantastic live bluegrass band on Saturday night along with the wild party over at the old lodge, because I was too tired to make it. So I guess it was just the fact that we were camping. Camping!

But it wasn't any kind of hard core camping to account for the endorphins. We were camping at a Camp. There were actually about eight lodges on site, each with stone fireplace and welcoming vibes. There was no big push to get to camp, just a nice drive in. There was no battle for firewood, it was all provided, dry and split by the staff. I didn't even have to think about food, one of the lodges was also the dining hall complete with excellent chow. Kevin set up the tent, and broke it down too. So what provided all these marvelous endorphins? Why, even when I got home, was I so pumped that I cleaned up and even did many extra chores?

Maybe it was me, my hubbie, our kiddo, and even the dog, out and about in the outdoors. We hiked a bit, canoed a bit, hauled stuff a bit, and Alex even climbed outdoors. He made it about 16 feet off the ground, twice what he did last time. We also played some frisbee, visited the goats and the miniature horse on the grounds, and played around on the dock. The leaves were crunchy, the air was crisp, and my blood was pumping in a pleasant fashion. Yes, it may have been all that, but then again, it may have been something even more.

We were camping with a purpose. We were camping at the 13th Annual Winter Camping Symposium. We were not alone. We were not randomly "getting out". We were in the middle of an event. 40 some tents were spread across the fields and into the woods, and every one of them had a chimney sticking out of it. 160 people were pre-registered. 160 very special people. The Symposium is a gathering of the nutbags of the mid-west that like to go out and camp all winter long. The colder the better. The snowier the better. And best of all if you haul it yourself at least five miles into the wilderness on a toboggan. The tents are white- to blend with the winter landscape, and wood heated- to make it survivable. Not just survivable, but fun. Crazy fun. There is something just a little off about camping next to a wood stove in the middle of winter. It is not a pursuit for the faint of heart, but it is worthy.

It is an understated crowd that gets into this kind of thing. Everyone wears wool, the older the better. The more the outfits are mis-matched, the better. The longer you've been around, the better. And the less you have to say for yourself, the better. Lots of white hairs, and grey beards, and knowledge to pass around. This years Symposium was the biggest ever, with presenters Thursday through Sunday. You could join classes on fires and stoves, on sawing and splitting, on knife making and mitten making and winter travel. There were edible plant walks, tent tours, and good old nature hikes. Plus having fun with kids at minus 26, and kitting out your gear to run electric if you want to hit the Colorado ski slopes for $20 a night. There was a camp cook off that culminated in the Golden Spatula award, and many door prizes given away, including sweet axes, spiffy saws, and nifty wool hats.

Alex did really well. He attended last year with his dad, while I worked at home. This year we all got to attend. Kevin left on Thursday to teach classes, help organize, and get us set up too. It was a rough go on Friday, because Alex and I packed up and headed to camp after the Halloween parade and party at school. Otherwise known as chaos on a stick. I did nothing to plan ahead, so just threw together most of what we both needed for clothes and a few snacks. It is surprising how much energy that can take. By the time we arrived I was wreaked. That night, when the stove would not cooperate, Kevin was gone, and Alex was cranky I was sure the trip was a mistake. I allowed so much smoke to pour out of the stove and into the tent I was worried we might pass out. Fortunately tents just aren't that air tight, and the next morning I determined to tame that stove. By Saturday night I had it in hand, and the tent was so cozy I sent Kevin off to the music while I snuggled in with my book and watched my sleeping boy. He had hiked, and climbed, and canoed like a champ all day. He settled in easy to camp life, strung up pumpkin lights in the tent, and encouraged me in my quest to tame that stove. He had no trouble eating in the dining hall, attended a few seminars with minimal complaints, and made friends with the other kids running about. We hope that next year they will all start where they left off and make a junior nutbag pack. All they have to do is love the outdoors, want to play with fire, and have a fascination hatchets and tents. That should not be a tough sell.

So, I had a great weekend. I got to meet all the folks Kevin has been talking about all these years. He has been going to the Symposium for over six years now. Every year it landed on my work weekend, and every year it was a royal pain in the butt to schedule Alex care. Kevin is always stressed leading up to the Symposium because he sells gear there and presents as well, and then comes home and is a wreak. I had come to hate it because it meant nothing good to me. Sure, Kevin had some good stories about folks I'd barely or never met, and he always said I'd love it, but I had my doubts. Not even doubts really, I just didn't have any experience to tie things to. All that has changed. Now I have met them, eaten with them, taken their classes, and toured their tents. I am getting up on the skills, and falling for the sport. Next year I plan to present a class, and help make a real kids and family program. I think I may be hooked. We are planning to winter camp for real on December 10-11-12, and February 4-5-6, and I can barely wait.

My First Winter Camping Poem

As the last of the leaves fall from the trees and the winds begin to blow,
the temps will drop and the flakes will fly,
and I will be ready to go!

Ketchup, and Mustard

2011-10-18T21:24:00.000-05:00

I have a new little friend. He is pokey in the halls at my new job, and always lagging in the line. I often find myself saying, Catch up, catch up! And I now know why his teacher from Kindergarten dressed for Halloween as "Ketchup... and Mustard!".

So, there have been quite a few changes in my life, and Alex's too. I jumped ship at the Hospital, swam away from my pirate compatriots, and landed on the calm island of North Shore Community School. This is my son's school, that I have been in love with since 2009. I came up with the crazy idea last spring at Alex's IEP meeting, where we hammered out the plan for his education for the next year. It was such a great meeting, with over a dozen excellent professional folk, that I walked away saying, "I gotta work here some day.". Then it hit me. There would be a special education position opening up in my son's grade. Would it work? Could I work at the same school, in the same grade? I knew they were planning to split up my little friend and my son, so there was no danger of being in the same classroom. I started a quite interview process with everyone I knew at the school to see if they thought I would be a good fit. All went well. It was a long spring and summer, wondering if I could pull it off, if I would get hired, and if I could really leave the hospital. It seems the answer all around was yes.

It was surprisingly hard to leave the hospital. Even though it was a super high stress position, with weird risks and crazy situations popping up all the time, I still had made a home there. True, the family was very dysfunctional. VERY. But I had my peeps. My survival network. And the worst thing was knowing I'd be abandoning them. The second worst was not knowing if I'd be abandoning them or not, since it took forever for the interview/ hiring process to happen. I did not know the final answer until I was on vacation, on the 15th of August. I went from nervous wreak, to elated abandoneer. And then the bubble burst.

At exactly the time I was getting hired, my husband was experiencing sudden hearing loss. He woke up right before the 15th of August with vastly reduced hearing in his left ear, with replacement ringing, buzzing, and pinging that just about drove him nuts. By the time my hiring was sinking in, we were off and running to Doctors, Audiologists, ENTs, and MRI nurses. When he wasn't having invasive procedures done, he was coping with the loss of half his hearing and the addition of all that replacement noise. Apparently the ear does not like a vacuum, and replaces lost hearing with random noise called tinnitus. Random, bizarre, maddening noise, that you eventually just get used to. The Ear, Nose, and Throat guy we trusted most said Kevin had a 20% chance of getting enough hearing back in that ear that he could possibly get a hearing aid. It was a random virus that was attacking his nerves, and this happens about 4,000 times a year in the US. The amazing end of the story is that he got back almost all of his hearing. After searching out a best practice solution, Kevin got a steroid shot into his eardrum within ten days of onset. This did the trick, and he now has loss in a 15% range. We will know in the next few months if he should go for a hearing aid for that range. For now we are simply grateful.

By the time that started to resolve I was into my last stretch at the hospital, that morphed right into my first days at North Shore Community School. I was a bit shell shocked, but happy. I was hired as a Paraprofessional, and I actually look after two kiddos on the Autism Spectrum in my boy's same grade. I made the transition pretty well. Now, six weeks later, I am finally getting a good handle on my new job. There have been some challenges, but no kids with Hep B have spit in my mouth, and I have not had to tie any children down with leather restraints. It is almost heaven.

At home we are settling in to the new routines as well. I have much less free time than before, but I don't really need recovery time from my new job, so it is all good. We have a ton more family time, and have had quite a few adventures already. This weekend is a long weekend off, and next weekend we are going "winter" camping in our wood stove tent while attending the annual Winter Camping Symposium. My next post will likely be about Alex, and what I am learning about school and Autism. I will just say that it is all good, and I am on a positive learning track. Plus his classmates are adore-able, and I am also in love with second grade in general. That is all for now, I hope everyone is having a good Fall. All the Best- Beth

The Summer Alex Plan

2011-06-28T13:02:00.001-05:00

I may just be deluding myself, but here is the plan for the summer for Alex. Learning to initiate socialization. Alex has learned so much over the last few years, and this is one of the final keys to a bright future. So far we have taken on: emotional ties to safe adults, emotional regulation, communication with adults, friendships with a few select peers, activities of daily living- dressing, bathing, eating, brushing teeth, zipping zippers, etc., navigating around and responding to same age peers, typical classroom participation, regular school work, and empathy and understanding emotions. Taken them on, and still working on most of them, with general great success. So much success that it is time. It is time for him to blossom into initiations.

Initiations? Sounds so clinical, but it is key to opening the whole world. Without initiation he is dependent forever on assistance. Without initiation he cannot be truly creative. We may be jumping the gun a bit, as he is not a really great copier, and copying comes first on the developmental ladder, but he's his own man so why not. He so wants to be around his friends that I can't help thinking it is time. But how to do it? He can initiate with his closest and safest friends, so how to broaden that out? Make more kids safe? With the help of Congdon Creek Summer Camps.

The camps are perfect. Geared to 3-9 year olds and based out of the preschool he attended when he was 5, they play all day long. They play, and hike, do projects, and play some more. It is a gold mine of communication opportunities. The staff is top notch, and they handle everything that comes along with style and grace. His particular teacher also has a special education degree, and was his teacher at 5, and also did her internship in his 4 year old ASD classroom. Can't get much more perfect than that. When I met with the staff before summer to talk about encouraging initiations, and also good motivation strategies and using multiple cues with him, they didn't even blink. They do all that and more, on a daily basis. Including promoting positive social skills with all the kids. Heaven.

Alex has been at camp for two weeks now. He has met up with old friends at camp, and made new friends too. The staff keeps me updated on his progress, and he is making gains every day. They are prompting and he is responding...and initiating. He does not just do his own thing anymore, and it is not a royal fight to get him to interact with the kids. He is participating fully, and developing his own style. He is king of the monkey bars, and loves to read with and to other kids. Yesterday he spent much of the morning playing "puppies" with one of the girls, barking and snuffing noses. And the other part of the morning he was discussing Kung Fu Panda 2 with one of the boys. Ahhhh, Bliss.

What you have to understand is that when Alex was 5 he could hardly be in the same room with the other kids. He maybe talked to two kids on his own all year. He had a paraprofessional with him much of the time, yet could not connect. He was very handsy with the kids, it was his only way to communicate. He would roll on one girl that he particularly liked. He always looked like a deer in headlights. The staff put in major work just for him to participate and partially work on projects. His desire to be with kids blossomed that year, but there was very little appropriate interaction. He was in his own orbit, getting closer and closer to the others, but still miles away. It is a joy and a delight to see how much he has changed, and to watch him fully participate. Yesterday he asked his dad if they can make a chocolate cake for the staff... he happily agreed.

So, there is the meat of the Alex summer. Four days a week he is at Congdon Creek Summer Camps. The rest of the time is dedicated to playing outside, camping trips, acting class, kayaking trips, play dates, reading, math, writing, stories, baking, eating good food, biking, building a rocket with his dad, and putting the coffee on in the morning. Santa Barbara may not be in the cards for this summer, but with the help of their ideas (initiations being a big one) and books, I think we will do alright.

Locked In

2011-06-03T09:12:00.001-05:00

If you know any Autistic kids You Must Watch This

Wow, this is it in a nutshell. I cannot help but think of Alex first when I see this. Granted, this girl has a much larger challenge than Alex, but challenge is challenge. It is profoundly hopeful, and also sad. "Never give up.", they say. That is much easier said than done.

My heart is cut to ribbons every day with my little guy. Every day. Cut to ribbons with fears for the future and the past. Fears that it will not turn out all right. Fears that I did things very wrong in the past that can never be undone. Fear of the darkness that gathers at the edge of consciousness and doing. Fear that we are not doing things right, right now, and will lose our way in the future. When I see behaviors that are outside of the norm, I fear he will never be truly accepted. Or, more accurately, that since he IS accepted now and has many wonderful people in his life, both little and big, perhaps that will vanish in the future. The fears gather, and multiply, and prowl just outside of my consciousness.

And then I hug my Alex. Or he gives me a kiss. Or I pick him up and give him a big snuggle. Or he shows me something, anything. Or I look at his picture, or artwork, or think of his brave little self. Any of a hundred things that happen every day, and my heart is healed. Cut by fears, healed by love. Love shining out of him, and through me too. Love of others who hold him dear in their hearts as well.

It is a rough road, having a kid with a disability. Rough indeed. But the rewards are great too. Amazing. More than one would ever expect, until you know a brave little soul like Alex. Or even one quite different. Fighting a different battle, having different challenges. All of the brave kids. Some of them still locked in. Locked into their challenges, into behaviors that mystify, into worlds only they know. "Never give up.", it is difficult indeed, but this girl, Carly, is showing us another way to follow that most difficult path. And the rewards are clearly great.
Peace
-Beth

Deer Attack

2011-05-27T14:39:00.000-05:00

Holy Smokes, my dog could have died.

There I was, enjoying a beautiful walk along a creek in Duluth, Minnesota, in the heart of a city neighborhood. My dog, a fluffy border collie, and my friends little mix dog, got scent of a deer. This happens a lot in Duluth because we are overrun with them, to the point that they are almost vermin. Ask any gardener, or person who has struck one with a car or bicycle, they are a hazard. Little did I know what a hazard.

So, there I was, trying to call my dog off the scent. I had seen the deers tail, and it was only about 20 feet away through thickish brush. I hoped I could call Jack off, rather than the deer running forever and having to wait for him to give up and come back. There were no roads for several blocks, so I figured it was safe enough. Little did I realize that the deer was psycho.

The little dog came back, but Jack did not. I put a bell on him for just such a situation, and I could hear that he was quite close. Next thing I knew, the deer was back. And Jack was on it's heels. Then the deer turned towards him, and I figured he would run. He did, but only a little way and then circled back. Next thing I know the deer is charging him. CHARGING, like it wants to kill him. He scooted off a bit, but circled around again. At this point I was getting seriously worried and seriously involved. The little dog had the sense to ditch out on this situation, and was safely in her owners arms. Not my dog, he was hanging in there for no reason I could figure out. She was charging, he was dodging, and then he was going back for more. I was flummoxed. What you have to realize is that my dog is a total wimp. He is scared by every dog he meets, as well as puppies, and even bunnies. He has never attacked anything in his life, beyond a mad dash at a squirrel, and why he picked this moment for glory I will never know.

So there they are, charging, dodging, and finally faced off only about 15 feet from me. And my dog is not doing the intelligent thing, as a 200 lb animal with very sharp hooves and a manic look in it's eye stares him down. He's looking like he is going to run at it again, and she's looking like her dearest ambition is to put a hoof through his skull. I had already been yelling to him to come, and now I started yelling at her to go. I ran off the path and into the brush, waving my arms, swearing, and telling the deer to go away. Okay, I suppose I was screaming at the deer. And at my dog. I recall calling him stupid, and telling him to come, once again. He crouched down, which was good, and she looked at me with that same skull crushing look, which was BAD. Having never been scared of deer before, I decided not to start now, and raised my arms over my head while making loud, slow progress towards her. She still did not move and kept giving me that look. Fortunately for me and the dog he decided to slink a bit closer to me, and while keeping any eye on her I grabbed him, leashed him, and dragged him out of there. She still did not run, and still kept looking at us with attack mode in her eyes. We left, she stayed. And I began to figure out if my dog had gotten hoofed in all the charging and dodging. I didn't think so because there had been no yelping or whimpering, and he is a big yelper and whimperer. But still, he has a lot of fur, and she was right on top of him, so a ways further down the trail I stopped to assess him fully. No injuries. No getting off the leash either, for a long long time.

So, now it is mental assessment time. It was a strange situation. One I have never run across before, and I've met lots of deer. My guess is there was a fawn hidden around there somewhere, or maybe even two, since she was so pissed and the travel pattern of dogs and deer was very random. That seems the most likely scenario, the other being that she had some form of deer rabies. There was no foam at her mouth, and she looked VERY healthy. I am going to go with option number one. But who knows, the herd in town has gotten so huge and out-of-control, maybe they've just decided they own the place. Whatever the answer is, I will probably never know. But what I do know is that my dog, my sweet, shy, intelligent dog, is not getting off his leash for a very long time.

The Autism Superhighway

2011-04-11T11:04:00.001-05:00

I wrote a post awhile back about being stuck. Being stuck with the Autism aspects of our son, feeling like there was no progress in key areas. Well, at the time I posted I was getting un-stuck, and we have now been driving down back roads at a good pace. I have had a feeling of making progress, and life with Alex has continued in it's amazing and sweet way. Things may be getting a lot faster soon.

There is a book that I call my autism bible. It is titled Overcoming Autism: Finding the Answers, Strategies, and Hope That Can Transform a Child's Life. It is miraculous, but it is not a miracle cure. It is research based and driven, and it contains a whole host of concepts and ways of dealing with the behaviors and deficits of autism that results in massive developmental gains. Basically how to catch up with his peers, and how to stay with them, rather than living in a separate and isolated world. I have read and implemented strategies from this line of research for years, and feel it is a very grounded and sound. The results have been excellent for us. Helping us address problematic behaviors of the past, such as biting, hitting, and refusals of most things, as well as helping Alex to learn key communications abilities. But reading the research and implementing it all in isolation has been daunting, and Alex keeps changing so there are always new challenges. Alex's development has been steady yet uneven and seems rather slow.

We may soon have an opportunity to jump on a superhighway. The Autism Superhighway. The Overcoming Autism book was written by a researcher. That researcher, and her research husband, Lynn and Robert Keogel, have an Autism Center in California. That Center offers intensive clinics for entire families, to learn how to implement their program and hit the key areas of motivation, initiations, and self-regulation. It is a form of Applied Behavioral Analysis, with lots of twists and lots of fun. It is not drill therapy. The Remote Family Program would consist of a thorough assessment of where Alex is at, as well as super charging our ability as parents to implement fun strategies to move his development along. Five days on the campus of University of California- Santa Barbara, with five hours of therapy, training, and education a day. It is for Alex, and my husband Kevin, and myself, and we could also take any interested professionals with us. It would be intense, expensive, and worth every penny. There is also long term follow up, and support. Plus we would likely go through the program with other families with kids at the same level as Alex. Wow.

My head is spinning over the whole thing, and my brain throws up a whole host of road block and fears, but in my heart it just feels right. Kevin is all for it, and we are in contact with the Center as they formulate their summer schedule. I don't know how this is all going to work out, but am super excited to do what I can to make it happen. More updates will come along as we hear back from the Center.

It is funny how things come along when you least expect it. I have been focusing in other areas and then this arrives, as if on the wings of an angel. We will follow where it leads, and try to keep up the good work in all other areas as well. Wish us luck!

Winter into Spring

2011-03-31T11:39:00.000-05:00

As winter turns into spring around here, everything seems topsy-turvy. Letting go of the long winter, and trying to look forward to the spring and summer, has brought on some regrets and much musings. I regret that I did not embrace the winter fully, even though it was excellent for skiing and outdoor pursuits. I let my fitness go and am now clawing my way back to where I was last October. Geez Louise, if only I had just kept going a bit with fitness... I am in the messy middle of our Financial Peace University class. Really coming to grips with where we are financially, and all the decisions that have led to this very spot. Yikes, that is not very fun... Thinking about our business I consider all that we have not done for that as well; budgeting, planning, and general management. Sigh.... My work has been particularly challenging lately, as we are chronically short staffed, sometimes three or four short. And while this has led to good decisions for picking up extra shifts, I have not felt like I have been doing a great job while juggling all the extra duties. Plus the acuity has been high, and my last shift had me dealing with a violent offender, which is never fun. Harumpff.... I am looking forward to warm weather and activities, but nervous about the time and skill needed to finally complete the long awaited attic project. What if I do all my parts wrong...

That's about it and those are the major brain twisters. I do always have the blessing to hang on to that my wonderful son Alex is in the best school in the whole universe. And I am married to a fantastic guy. And I have some of the best friends in the whole world. And I can back surf. Other than that, does the rest really matter?

So I try to hear the regrets, and use them to plan for the future. Learn from the mistakes and mis-steps, and move on. It is hard! But maybe hard work has it's own rewards. Spring is truly right around the corner, things will green up over the next few weeks, and as the sun gets stronger I will leave these winter blahs behind. Time to plan the garden, set up a few camping and outdoor adventures, and get to work on that attic... -Beth out

Kick A** Lake Superior

2011-03-22T15:58:00.003-05:00

I just got back from a trip to the Lake. It is 30 degrees, and blowing at about 40 miles an hour. A great day to be out! You know, I sometimes wonder just why I live in Duluth. Between 20 below zero temperatures, a fair amount of gray, cloudy days, two mud seasons, and bugs in the summer, an outdoor girl can get a little down now and then. Days like today bring me back to why I love it here. There are unique opportunities that you just don't find many other places.

The lake has ice ridges right now. If you read my Lakeneering post, you know what I am talking about. Well, today the ridges were getting slammed by waves. The wind is up, and the waves are high. In fact they are mountainous. Mountainous waves crashing onto mountains of ice. The spray was flying so high that I first spotted it when I was driving on the highway, about six miles from the beach. An impressive and unusual display, and I had to get closer. So close, that I allowed my errands to detour me to the Tot Lot beach. Out the car, and I realized it was going to be a challenge to keep my feet, as well as keep my hat on my head. I was decked out in wool and down, in many layers, and my happy dog had his substantial fur on. Oh, for the camera I forgot.

We headed straight out to sea. Over the ice and sand, all whipped into strange shapes the weeks before. No even footing whatsoever, and wind so strong I had to lean into it. Jack, our border collie was in seventh heaven, it was like a Scottish day on crack. Not only was it blowing sideways with pelting rain bits, but every wave crash sent ice pebbles and spray into the mix. We got up on the second to last ridge line before ice met icy water, and it was a sight to behold. The waves were pounding in behind the first ridge line, and every third one would throw both spray and wave itself over the top of that ridge, washing down the back with small rivers of water and ice chunks. No one in their right mind would go there. The second ridge line was just fine, with no danger of hypothermic deluge, just the threat of slipping on sandy ice and banging a knee. I only did it once in our 45 minutes out.

I made a deal with myself a few weeks ago, that I would work hard to get out at least 30 minutes a day. Out the door, outside, out in the woods, or wind, or water. You'd think that wouldn't be so hard, considering I used to spend 10 to 24 hours a day outside. But life changes, and what once was a given can become a challenge. Today that challenge was met with a huge smile. We had fun, Jack and me, getting blown about on the ice ridge line. We went all the way to the canal, and I had the supreme pleasure of standing on the lake side of the locked canal sidewalk gate... in the lake itself, so not really breaking the rules. When they close that gate it means the waves are too dangerous for people to be on the canal sidewalk. It goes without saying that people are not supposed to be IN the lake right next to the sidewalk either, because usually you'd be swimming and in strong danger of bashing your head in on the canal sidewalk wall. Not today, as it was frozen for another 20 yards out on my side, so I stood next to the sidewalk, on the frozen solid lake. It was strange to look over the canal walls to the unfrozen channel with waves rolling through, and although it was false naughtyness, it still felt good to stand where you usually can't.

Jack had a riot playing Dog-of-All-Weather. And I remember, once again, why I live in Duluth.

This photo was taken by Sherry Rovig. It was actually a point break about 12 miles from where I was hiking called Stony Point, but it's from the right day, lake, and storm. And a beautiful pic, -Thanks Sherry!

Mo' Money

2011-03-06T20:40:00.003-06:00

Time to talk about money again. I have blogged about money a fair amount, and set a goal last year to teach a money class some day. Well, that day has come. We have been teaching the class for over a month now and it has been great. The class is called Financial Peace University. Financial Peace, two words that don't go together. But really, they can. You just have to be weird. Never one to worry about that, I have been embracing the weirdness of coming to terms with money for a long time now.

I found my first Dave Ramsey book almost a decade ago. Financial Peace. It had a hopeful message and sound principals. Most money books are hard to read, but not this one. Hard to do, yes. But not hard to read. I read it first back in '02 and got inspired. We got on the envelope system, started tracking expenses, and worked to live below our means while cutting out credit. Somewhere between '05 and '07 Kevin shot our last credit card. Yes, I said "shot". He canceled the account once it was completely paid off, confirmed that it was indeed a closed account, hung up the phone, and shot the card twice. Then he mounted it like a deer, with antlers and everything. It hangs in our living room today.

We got the principals down, but the actual doing ALL of it has come slowly. Dave does a seven step plan, and we languished on step two (pay off all debt but business and home) for about eight years. March of last year we paid off my student loan, which was our last personal debt, and we were finally done with step two. Yahoo! It felt amazing. So amazing that I got serious about sharing it with others, and my pastor liked my hair brained idea too. Kevin was more than willing to go along with it, so through our church we are teaching our first Financial Peace University class. This has really upped our game, because now we have to do everything for real. All the parts of the plan, including income planning, asset management, and the dreaded budgeting. We have half budgeted for a long time, knowing mostly where our cash is going, but not keeping an eye on the income, or planning ahead for future expenses. Christmas has snuck up on us every year. And we never had a real car repair fund, even though it is guaranteed we will have breakdowns with the age vehicles we drive. "Let's just hope for the best" ain't gonna cut it any more and we sat down to hammer out a real budget last month and this month. It was scary at first, but has already gotten easier. We are finally getting a handle on complete budgeting, and it is actually quite liberating. Really. I swear. It is so liberating we will be doing it every month. Told you I was weird. But hey, average means broke, so I am totally going for weird.

And now we are about to knock out step three. With our upcoming tax refunds we are going to completely fund our 3-6 month Emergency Fund. We had been worried about whether or not we would get a refund (due to poor budgeting we didn't really know), and then trying to wiggle out of doing the right thing. But through the complete budgeting process we have seen where we stand, and it helped clarify where we really want to go. Trips are nice, but life goals are better. We are going to complete the Emergency Fund first, then go on to a few little goals with what is left while leaving our budget in good shape for the rest of the year. Christmas will NOT sneak up on us this year. We are setting up appropriate savings (like for the car) and now have income goals to shoot for to keep our budget where we want it, and to build it for the future. We are managing our money and telling it where to go, rather than wondering where it went. Financial Peace... it really is possible. Next comes climbing step four, Retirement Funding and planning. Not as scary as it used to be, and now way less likely to sneak up on us. Well, that's it from the money desk. If you have been wondering where I have been, now you know. Money land. Happy financing, people!

Old Dog, New Tricks

2011-03-04T10:55:00.002-06:00

I am working on upgrading my blogging skills. More specifically, my blogging photo skills. I am terrible at getting pictures up, and it is time to improve in that area. Just figured out how to raid photos off a friends Facebook stash, so will likely be doing more of that (see previous post with new photos). Now if I can only figure out how to delete old photos off my camera, add photos to the computer, and upload them where I want them. And organize them too. Oh wait, I know HOW to do all that, I just need to figure out WHEN. I guess that is my next new trick...

Ice Lakeneering

2011-03-02T14:31:00.001-06:00

It is Ice Lakeneering season. Much like Mountaineering, you go to a specific, beautiful, and awe inspiring place to climb and clamber and reach a zenith. You need warm gear and a stout heart. And a friend to go with you, for safety and fun. Plus there is climbing, ice, and danger.

There is a special ridgeline to climb on in Duluth right now. It will not last, and few will challenge it. But those who do will reach a peak. Or more than one. Yes, Lake Superior is frozen, in yet another unique and beautiful way. On Park Point the snow and ice and water have combined in an unusual way. Through freezing temps, wind, and wave action, the lake has created a frozen landscape that stretches about a quarter mile out from the beach. There are several tall ridges of ice and snow that you have to overcome and several planes of cottage cheese snow to cross to get all the way out to the water. Almost cliff like in places, the ice takes on may beautiful forms. Once to the water line you can watch the water and ice-plates slowly rise up and down, like the lake is breathing the frozen air.

This is it. Today is likely the last really cold day of winter. 5 degrees and below zero wind chill. It only gets warmer from here, and the Lakeneering will not be stable for long. Like many things in Duluth, you have to get it while it lasts. Get out there people!

Thank you, Kerisa, for fun, motivation, and photos!

Seventeen Below

2011-02-10T16:10:00.002-06:00

It was seventeen degrees below zero this morning when I got Alex on the bus. Cold enough to try to make some snow, but alas, not quite cold enough. To do so you take a boiling hot cup of water and throw it in the air, if it is cold enough it comes down as snow. Too warm, and it only splits into steam and water. It was too warm. So warm that it made it up to five degrees above zero by 10am. Bummer for making snow, but the perfect temp and time for an adventure.

Jack and I went out to hike a river. There is a beautiful little one not far from my house called the Lester. It was so bright and sunny that it almost hurt my eyes. Dazzling as we crunched down the banks and into the main river, all sparkly with zillions of refracted snowflake diamonds. The sky was blue, the rocks a mix of brown and red, and may an evergreen all around. Very beautiful. And exciting too. To be out on a river, walking over the water, and hearing it trickle and run below your feet. The sound of running water under snow and ice is hard to describe, unique and electric. I have fallen through the ice in the past a few times, which is also unique and electric. Jack had a riot.

He ran and ran. Bounced and explored. Up the river banks, and down again. Through the woods, and following the game trails. Then back to the river bed to run ahead. He is beautiful to watch as he runs, and glides, and occasionally prances. He likes the snow. And not a single snow ball in his paws today.

It was good to get out.

Gaining Traction in Autismland

2011-01-13T10:37:00.002-06:00

I have been feeling very stuck in Autismland. It is a feeling that comes along every so often, like being stuck in the snow in your car. You hit the gas, wanting to go somewhere, and the wheels start to spin and spin. Maybe you inch forward or back, but you keep falling into the hole you are spinning, deeper and deeper into the snow. You can't get to the bottom to get some traction, and pushing on the gas pedal is frustrating and infuriating. At this point I usually hit the steering wheel and scream, which are almost totally useless activities. Except they keep me from breaking something nice and fragile, like the turn signal or wiper thing-a-ma-bob. Which is what I really feel like doing. But before I get to that point I have a very fast and deep debate with myself. "I'm stuck.", "No, I'm not, I'll get out of this." Try to drive again. "Crap, I'm stuck.", "Noooo, I refuse to be stuck, I will just gun it a bit." Try to drive and really dig in. "Shit, I'm stuck!" "No, you're not. Just do that same thing again, just a little different." And so it goes, with the two parts arguing. The truth seeing part and the avoidance part. The part that is willing to seek help, and the part that would rather die first. The difference between driving in the snow, and having a kid with autism, is that you can have this debate for a very long time with your kid. You can spin your wheels while being deeply frustrated and wanting to scream, and at the same time delude yourself that things are moving along fine. That is where I have been for a while.

All this does not keep me from loving my son. And appreciating him. And playing with him, doing homework, going out and about. I have been doing all this and more, but at a deep level wanting to scream. Because part of me has known we are stuck. Spinning those developmental wheels, or at the very least, not getting the traction we could have. Should have. And here is the crux of Autism. It is all about the development, or lack there of. And development, Development, with a capitol D, is so damn hard. Why? For two reasons. One, it is a moving target. And two, typical kids do it naturally. They proceed from one thing to another naturally, without any fallout. As babies they go from cooing, to babbling, to using vocalizations to get their point across. From looking at that thing they want (and everything is fascinating), to crawling over to it, to walking to it, to climbing for it. And they are exploring all the time, first home, then the close in world, then the outer world. They just naturally start asking questions about everything they want to know about, and they want to know about it all. Not so with autism. Everything is fearful, and many things appear to be painful. The senses do not integrate well together, so most things are very confusing. Anything new is to be immediately rejected. Physical tasks are not a joy, they are too hard. And that is where you start, with a child with autism. They live in their own world, because the rest of the world sucks.

But that is also what makes children with autism such brave little beings. Because even with all this, each of them find their loves and safe places in the real world. And each of them can learn, really learn, everything they need to know. My little guy also has a mild case of autism. His wiring is off, for sure, but he has taken readily to all the interventions and assistance over the years. When the work is right, he grabs on and goes with it. And we have made great developmental strides. He has now hit almost all of the milestones of childhood to his current age. He has real friends that love him deeply in their grade school way, and he loves them back. He is totally affectionate at home. He loves going to school, and has marvelous teachers, helpers, and classmates. He is learning well, is an ace speller, and can swing the monkey bars like noone else in his class. And yet. And yet, that feeling has been on me for weeks, if not months now. Stuck. Stuck in his development of his social skills, where his friends and classmates know and love him but he cannot keep up with their increasing complexity. Love is only enough if I am satisfied with him being the class pet. Beloved but limited. Good for petting and playing, but you can't have a real conversation. And that is the crux.

Conversation. True communication. Where both parties show an interest in one another, and move off to build something together. Be it a game, a shared story, or a trek through the woods. I can give my son experiences, throw him together with other kids, make a container for safe sharing, but I cannot make him initiate. I can demand that he respond, but I can only prompt him to initiate. "Say hello", I whisper to him, and he will gladly and genuinely say hello. We have been working on that one for a long time, and as a matter of fact he is quite good at greetings and will often initiate them. But greetings are not the only forms of communication, they are the tip of the proverbial ice berg. There are also good-byes, questions, comments, sharing of materials, sharing of ideas, requests, sharing feelings, telling stories, and play. Play is so complex that it makes the head spin. Yet it is also so basic. As are all these forms of communication. And they all take initiative. And initiative is what kids with autism do not have, where social activities are concerned. They can initiate for needs like food, favored solo activities, and safe adult contact, but social activities are a whole different ball game. Social initiations, appropriate ones, are one of the core deficits of kids with autism.

And this leads me to my break through. Autism affects every area of a little persons life, and yet it all stems from three core deficits. I have been spinning my wheels through all these affected areas, while not having a grasp of the traction points I am trying to get through to. Enter serendipity. Because of Christmas break Alex has become more disregulated than normal. Christmas makes all children go insane anyways, due to it being so fabulous, and this year Alex was in the full swing of things. We spent lots of time out of routine, and he watched way too many movies. For him, that means six in a week. And he got stuck in movie land. Stuck repeating dialog. Toy Story dialog to be exact. It did, and did not help, that he got lots of Toy Story characters for presents too. There is more potential for creativity with toys, but it also seemed to drive him deeper into scenes and dialog. Why? Because he has an amazing memory and can repeat all three movies. So he can skip from one scene to next, and back again, endlessly. Endlessly amusing himself with all the words and situations, all by himself. He would bring others in by trying to get them to repeat the parts too, or asking them questions about what came next, even though he already knew the answers. At first this didn't bother me, because it was showing creativity, and an interest in complex social situations, but as certain themes started to repeat it all took on more of a self-stimulation feel. And it got more and more repetitive and ingrained. I couldn't get any traction with him, and I started to get that feeling of wanting to beat my head. Just then, I looked up. I looked up into my Autism Book Cupboard. I didn't have my usual go to book, my bible of autism, because I had loaned it out. So I looked up at the rest of them, and pulled one down that I had not looked at in years. I read the table of contents and started to get excited. I dove in, and it was like a miracle. It had the answers. All the answers. Every question I didn't even know I had been having.   The truth finally hit me. I'd been stuck.

I'd been stuck, and telling myself we were fine. Spinning deeper and deeper in the snow, deluding myself that we were getting somewhere, until finally we'd spun so deep I had to look for help. In some ways I have been stuck for a couple years. Pleased with his progress at school and with friends, but still troubled deep down because I didn't have a focus. I didn't have a clear picture of exactly what to do. And all my experts were gone. Right through Kindergarten I could rely on Tahirih at the Scottish Rite Language Clinic to be my rock. She regularly met with both me and Alex, had been to our home and all his school settings, and we could trouble shoot anything. But he graduated from the program last summer. School is fantastic, but they are school based. At home we are on our own. I had my autism bible, but forgot to look at it. Then I loaned it out. I didn't know how alone I was. We had come to a stand still on a bunch of issues at home. Food. Dressing. Creative play. Getting ready for school, outings, even bedtime. Resistance to everything was on the rise, with Alex digging his heels in and wanting to do the same things over and over. I had stopped trying to move him forward on anything, stopped teaching, stopped trying very hard. Spin, spin, spin.

And then came help. In the form of a book called Pivotal Response Treatments for Autism. It is actually the underpinnings and research studies that resulted in my bible, Overcoming Autism, and it says some very important things. Things I had not noticed before. "...autism itself may be a much milder disorder than previously suspected...many of the seemingly severe aspects of the disorder may be side effects resulting from abnormal development.", emphasis mine. And further more, " Some of the core areas that, when treated, seem to produce especially large... gains are:
     Motivation to engage in social-communicative interactions
     Social initiations (initiated by the child), especially those of shared enjoyment and joint attention
     Self-regulation of behavior"

This is it. These are the areas we need to work, and the other things will fall in line much more easily. Ignore these three cores, and everything will be an up hill battle. EVERYTHING. The book goes on to address all these areas in it's next 250 pages. I have been reading, and highlighting, dog-earing, and underlining. I know what I am targeting, and what to work on next. I see clearly where I have been stuck, and how to get traction in all those areas. And in the several days since I looked up and picked out this completely ignored book I have been on fire. I have been trying new things with Alex with great success. I am both excited, and at peace. I am grateful for being ready to take in the new information. Grateful for being stuck. And grateful I didn't actually break anything while hitting the steering wheel and screaming. Grateful, and ready to truly drive on.

It's A Wrap

2010-12-30T20:05:00.002-06:00

I stole these questions off my friend Kimberly's blog. Well, I've never actually met her in the real world, but since she is partners with a very dear friend of mine who I do know in the real world I think it all counts. Anywho, here we go...

2010

What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before? Walked 60 miles in 3 days, plus 250 in training. 'Nuf said.
Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Can't remember last years, if I find them I will add them. Making some for next year, to include regular exercise, keeping my place clean (starting Fly Lady on 1/1/11, again), and embracing work. I know... boring!!
Did anyone close to you die? Thank God, no.
What countries did you visit? Jamaica. Yep, very lucky, and there was NO hard work involved. Yes, I am likely to burn in hell.
What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010? Fun with power tools. Time to really build that attic bedroom.
What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Ummm, only thing I can think of is January 4. It really sucked and I ended up in the ER.
What was your biggest achievement of the year? See Question #1. Plus raised over $3,000 for breast cancer research.
What was your biggest failure? No Christmas cards. Earth-shattering, eh? Oh, and terrible with Thank You cards. That one actually is rather earth shattering :o(
Did you suffer illness or injury? Yeah, another year another injury. January 4 touched off a month in bed with a pinched nerve in my neck. Damn sledding. Couldn't even read because I had to be face down.
What was the best thing you bought? A tie, the book Deep Economy and the book Framework.

Whose behaviour merited celebration? My son, making tons of gains. And all his teachers and helpers, and especially his little friends.
Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Most Republicans; and lazy, shortsighted Democrats that didn't see the steamrollering coming. Next year is gonna blow.
Where did most of your money go? Savings!!
What did you get really, really, really excited about? Our little business maturing and taking off, with new art work to boot from a super cool artist. Had great times with my family of origin this year too. Super cool!
What song will always remind you of 2010? Theme music from Battlestar Galactica. Yes, the series has been done for a few years. Worth the wait.
What do you wish you'd done more of? Camping and blogging and boating.
Did you fall in love in 2010? My son, again. Husband a close second.
What did you want and get? To give back my foster dog to her original owners, and their kids.
What did you want and not get? A new job. But coming to terms nicely with the current one.

So, there it is. The recap. Am sure I forgot tons and would write it three more different ways on three other days. C'est la vie, 2011 is coming fast and better done than perfect. Bon voyage!

New Blog Subject- Local Duluth

2010-12-01T13:38:00.001-06:00

Duluth, Minnesota is a wonderful place to live. It has so much to offer it is ridiculous. This new blog category's aim is to feature all the amazing things about Duluth and the area that are sustaining. Also exciting, fun, unique and interesting. Most things will be cheap, or free, or maybe require some elbow grease or effort. The idea is to explore and enhance community, to let the roots grow deeper. Especially in these times of economic drought.

The plan is to feature things like the farmers markets, local farms, the trails and parks, pet and animal goods stuff, and activities for kids. Plus neighborhood programs, schools, and churches. Volunteer opportunities, local businesses, and unique citizens. Food, music, and theater will also likely creep into the mix. It is all fair game, and hopefully lots of folks will add their two cents.

Inspiration is the key to deep living, let's dive in.

ps Changed my template and merged my blogs. Tired of feeling bi-polar. Time to integrate. Still need to update my side bars, etc. Wahoo!

The Things My Kid Says

2010-11-03T10:09:00.000-05:00

It all goes so fast. I was looking at a blog for my friend with a young pre-schooler and I can barely remember when Alex was that small. It goes to reason that I will not be able to remember this current age one day soon, too. I have plenty of pics deep in digital land, but what of the spirit of the age? I should be writing it all down as soon as it happens, but alas my organizational skills hold me back, so will recreate what I can for Alex, at age 7.

Alex has taken to randomly hugging me, giving me a kiss, and in a whispery little boy voice say, "Mama, you are my best friend." I'll take that. I have also watched this lovelyness unfold with his father too.

Halloween night he was skipping and running down the road with his four year old buddy Ben (Alex was Sheriff Woody and Ben was a plush shark) and they were singing the A-B-C song, and then made up a Trick or Treating song together.

He loves telling stories now, and will tell long ones about the Alphabet, and Word Girl, and the Energy Monster, mostly raided from his favorite learn to read web site.

This past summer we spent many long conversations on, "What would happen if we were driving down the street, and the Red light started blinking?!", and "What if it was windy and rainy, and a tornado came down on our house?!". Mind you, these things were stated gleefully with only a bit of a worried edge.

And most recently, last night in fact, he told me he hated me. "Mama, go away, I hate you and I don't love you any more." I should be devastated but really, I am okay with this. I did something to piss him off, and he gets it. And is responding. What I did was let him know I forgot to sign him up for the swim lessons he wanted, and now it is too late. Oops. I feel bad about this, and clearly he does too. The good news is that I will make it up by taking him to open swim, which will get us in the habit. Then I will sign up for the next round. Being only 7 I am hoping his capacity for a grudge will only last a little while. I want to get quickly back to being his best friend. Gotta get it in now, before those teenage years hit.

Frickin' Oww

2010-10-17T20:36:00.000-05:00

Ow. OW. OWWW! I injured myself in a truly stupid way today, and here I sit with a bag of frozen peas on my head. Frickin' hell. Ow.

It all comes from dog trauma. There is the foster dog. There is the family dog. And there has been the tension of when the foster dog will go away to bother our family no more. How does she bother me? Let me count the ways... She barks, all the time. She digs, like a steam shovel. She escapes with elan. She has attacked our neighbor dog, and knocked over our elderly neighbor in the process, after busting out our back door. She does not listen. She table surfs during dinner if we are not watching closely. She does not care about the humans opinions. She pulls like a badger when on the leash, and runs like the wind when off. She is aggressive with 80% of female dogs we come in contact with. We can barely take her out of the house, much less on trails, trips, and camping. She is not the dog for us. And, apparently she has very tasty poo.

We have known this for a long time now. Our good dog has one flaw. He likes to eat her poo. This is just about the grossest thing on the planet, and we cannot wait for it to be solved by her departure. It cannot come soon enough. Today we finally got a call from her owner, and it looks like she will be going home by Thanksgiving. Hallelujah! That was a wonderful moment. 20 minutes later Jack was in the bath because he had somehow become covered in her poo, head, back, side. He was a gross and disgusting mess, like never before. He must have been anticipating her departure too. That was an infuriating moment. A frustrating, infuriating, Now-we-have-had-ENOUGH moment. Makes you want to scream. I held back quite well, I thought, and barely let out a peep. I had it all under control, until after dinner. Our good dog needed to go out, so I had him on the leash, and then the other one was scrambling to get out the door too. I grabbed her collar, tried to hold him back, and opened the door to reach for the lead outside for her. In the process, pissed as all hell, I didn't see the metal door catch on the door frame.

You never really know how fast you are moving, until you hit something. It is harder to see things when you are pissed as all hell. And you may never really know how much patience you have until you live with shit eating, barking, pulling, running, digging, attacking dogs. If I am very lucky, this particular life lesson will be completed around Thanksgiving and my bruise will have faded by then. Pass the gravy.

ps I should also reveal that this all came about because I was trying to find another Lucky Dog. I was trying to make something happen that had happened as a gift. Ungrateful for what I had, I pushed too hard and came up with Sofie. Today the saga closed and it looks like Sofie will be going to her home, and today it is two years since I put Lucky down. I am happy, I am sad, I am ready to be grateful. Good night.

Holy Cow - Part 2

2010-09-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

60 miles. What exactly does it take to walk 60 miles? #1, training: if you want to feel good. #2, friends: if you want to feel happy. #3, water, Gatorade, and snacks, snacks, snacks: if you want to finish. #4, sunscreen and a big hat: if you are pasty and paranoid like me. And it sure helps to have a never ending cheering section, and toilets every hour. Plus camp at the end of every day for showers, food, and lots of company. Plus the fact that everyone was on an event high didn't hurt at all. We were all in it together, and we tried our darnedest to make it a good time. Follow the jump cut for photos and more....

Day 1 started with Opening Ceremonies. All of us (2,400) squashed into a big holding pen with a stage up front. Before they opened the gate, however, we dropped off bags, met with friends, got coffee (at least I did), and signed the names of those we'd lost to be lifted up on a flag. It was early, it was dark, and I was rather nervous. I was going with veterans, and I wanted to hold up my end of the team. We strategically made it up towards the front of the pen, so we could start walking soon after the ceremonies were over. The ceremony was very inspiring and loud, with music, and more flags, and honored survivors. It put us in the mood to remember everyone touched by breast cancer, and get ready to give it our all with our feet. As we left the pen we were scanned out, so they would know where each one left and how many were really there. And we started walking. And walking. And walking. A river of pink through Minneapolis suburbs.

2,400 is a hard number to grasp.

Just think big.

On day One we quickly made it to the Minneapolis "Lakes", and had a lovely morning of breezes and lake homes. The going was not tough, and I quickly settled in to enjoy the walk. I have never been much for super huge events, usually sticking to off beat individual and small group situations. This was different, but very cool. Our team had trained on the Lakes, so I was in familiar territory. I still had some paranoia because Jen had been felled by dehydration on our biggest training weekend, the morning of day two after 21 miles the previous day. I figured if it could happen to her, it could certainly happen to me. So I drank my water, and Gatorade too. If you have never experienced the stuff, you might not know that it makes you pee like a race horse. I was almost always in need when the next pit stop came into view, especially with my morning coffee habit. I had tried one big training day without it, and the resulting headache made extra bathroom time seem worth it.


It really wasn't as bad as this looks (and a good time to stretch).

After the Lakes we made it to our first big Cheering Station. These are set up by the event as places for your family and friends to come, to reduce too many people stalking the whole event and running over people in the process. There had been plenty of cheering people anyways, but the station was intense. People lined both sides of the path with cow bells, signs, clappers, clapping, and candy, candy, candy. Some were one stop supporters, others we would see again and again. It was great. They were a real boost, and the sugar was nice too. I had been advised to carry very little because the 60 mile buffet would provide, and provide it did. We got to lunch next, and I should have saved more room. Too bad they would not let us eat in the Sculpture Garden, but we crossed an artsy bridge and lunch was set at the very nice Loring Park. Sue's husband Jim brought us an extra special lunch from their home just a few blocks away. Holly and Pamela joined us and we had a real team lunch. The innocent looking clouds cut things a bit short by unexpectedly down pouring on us, and all the event walkers got drenched. There was just no way to keep feet dry, so it was going to be a good test of their toughness. We got moving in the rain, after many quick thanks to Jim. It rained all through downtown, and we were splashing through small lakes at times. Then the clouds rolled away and it got HOT. Into the 90's with blazing sun. We squished our way in soggy shoes through downtown, across the U of M campus where Jen and I had been roommates, and on up the Mississippi river. Memory lane and best forgotten stories kept us all amused, as some around us started limping. It was a long road along the river, and seemed to all be uphill. The Pedi-Cure van was kept busy with those needing a lift, and we started looking very forward to the finish of the day. By the time we hit it at Macalester College in St. Paul, and were scanned once again, we were very ready for the air conditioned buses that whisked us away to camp. I had a bad brush with pain on the bus when I tried to stretch my quads, and came up with a hamstring cramp that nearly dropped me to my knees. I drank lots more water and went very slowly before trying that again. That was the worst of the day, and not a single blister had visited any of our team.

Camp was a trip. Just imagine well over 2,000 walkers and volunteers bunking for the night. Showers were set up in the backs of semis. The dining tent sat thousands. The line for free massage was way too long, but at least the yoga mats were accessible. Everyone was just giddy, except the sizable percentage still limping, but they still had many smiles.


This was only a portion of the tents.


After a long day on the road both Jen and Holly were a little goofy.


Pamela too.

20 miles down, 40 to go... Nothing much to think about except, eat, drink, sleep, and smile.

Holy Cow- 60 Miles is a Long Way

2010-09-20T11:02:00.000-05:00

One month ago I was at the start of a grand adventure. 60 miles of walking in 3 days. 60 Miles! It was an incredible. First off, I have to thank all the people who donated to the cause. Breast Cancer is an awful, terrible, horrible illness, and it is on the rise. The whole point of this walk is to save lives. Period. "Because everyone deserves a lifetime" is the official motto, and that is so true. The money raised goes in two directions, breast cancer research and breast cancer awareness. We raised a ton of cash, and that rocks. We also raised awareness, and inspiration, which are not measurable but key to the whole deal. Women power is an awesome thing! Each woman participating was required to raise over $2,000, and there were well over 2,000 of us. There were a few men walking too, and boy did they have fun. They were celebrities. I think the coolest thing about the whole event was the attitudes of each and every person. Personal differences were put on hold, the every day grind was forgotten, there was no competition to look good or be the best, no judgment, we were one. And the focus was intense. One foot in front of the other, and give everyone else all the support you can. The positive vibe kept us walking on air. And it was all personal determination, because there was no external pressure to finish. There were sweep vans cruising the course constantly to help anyone out who was in trouble, and no shame in finishing early. Because of that we all pushed harder. Complaints were the exception, not the rule. And the volunteers and supporters ROCKED. There were many sad stories, of course, but it wasn't a bummer of an event. Everyone was remembered and held up, no one was forgotten.

So, what was it like? Well, let's start with my team. First there was Jen. Jen was my college roommate, in my wedding, and my son's god mother. She lost her mom to breast cancer 15 years ago, and she has done this event every year. 60 miles, seven years in a row. Amazingly inspiring. Next there was Sue. She is friends with Jen, has lost several dear ones to cancer, and is determined to walk as long as there is no true cure. She started the year after Jen, but then did two walks in one summer a few years back so also had seven walks under her belt. How could I not do well with such a power house team?? As for me, Jen inspired me to join the team, as well as all the women in my life who are survivors, and those I have known who didn't make it. All together, the walkers and the inspiring, we went together. Our team also had two crew members who put in countless hours preparing and fund raising, as well as tireless event support over four days. Pamela was a walker, then was diagnosed herself just before her wedding last year. She is currently in treatment and I have no idea how she has so much energy. Holly is a fantastic supporter who has crewed every year that Jen has walked. There is also a strong support network in the Cities of friends, family, and spouses, who helped fund raise, trained with us, brought food, were drivers for the weekend, and did countless things to help make it all happen. Thank you all!


Sue, myself, and Jen, all geared up and ready to go.


Holly and Pamela, with their Pedi-Cure Cab. Prepared to cruise the course and picking up anyone needing a lift.

We were ready. We had each trained over 250 miles over the summer, we had our gear dialed, we were well hydrated and supplied. The Pedi-cure van had it's snacks, water for any riders, and the perfect attitude. And then we started walking!

What I Did With My Summer Vacation

2010-09-15T13:34:00.000-05:00

Hello
I am busy remembering how to blog. T'was a crazy summer and the hit list will just have to wait. Just wanted to jump onto the blog to prime the pump a bit. I get overwhelmed sometimes (all the time?) and get myself into a tizzy thinking I will be stuck forever going in circles. I don't have to do it all at once, and everything could be much worse. Life is actually excellent, everyone is healthy, employed, and moving forward. I spent my summer vacation in pursuit of a goal, and I accomplished that. I walked my 60 miles and compiled and gave away over $3,300 in the fight against breast cancer. Now, as I return to my regularly scheduled life, I can re-organize and prioritize. Right?

In His Own Time

2010-08-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

I have worried about Alex and his swimming for many years now. Not a big worry, but a little one that sits in the back of my brain and whispers sweet paranoia to me. "He's not progressing.", "He doesn't swim like the other kids.", "Look, he wont even put his head under water.", "Ha, he hates it when you try to teach him to swim... he will never learn.". Now, I have not put a lot of stock in these whisperings, but I can't deny that they have been there. Alex went to swim lessons a summer ago and was truly lack luster. His biggest accomplishment was doing the monkey cling along the deep end, and occasionally getting his chin wet on purpose. One of his best friends was going all the way under water when she was two, and by now has practically swum the English Channel. Alex is generally a cling-on, not letting go of me for much of anything. Yes, that is the summary of his swimming at age 2, and 3, and 4, and 5. This summer things got a little better, "swimming" in his life jacket, actually enjoying the water, and venturing a bit beyond my shadow from time to time. He played a shark game at his Aunty Snootz' pool that had him swimming all over in his life jacket, and then last month in Wausau he went under water on purpose and for real for the first hundred times. He was inspired by his Uncle Craig, Aunt Kathy, and cousins Will and Abby. Yes, it takes a village to get my kid swimming. But yesterday we were in Amity Creek, and I couldn't get him to go five inches from me or swim a stroke on his own.

And then came this evening. This evening was jackpot time. First, Lake Superior was warm. Not tolerable, not just-less-than-freeze-your-butt-off, but actually bath water warm. Last week it was frigid. I didn't really want to go tonight but figured it would be a nice quick trip. Oh, how wrong I was, and happy to say so. It was warm, warm, warm. We swam out to the rock, climbed the rock, and Alex jumped from ankle deep into a deep spot (with life jacket on) after announcing, "To infinity and beyond!". He also watched the high school boys swim deep and bring up big rocks. It made an impression because when I made him come into the shallows he started trying to pick up rocks. After working hard at swimming with his face in the water. I could barely believe what I was seeing. I was happy. I was ready to head home for dinner. I took his life jacket off so he could pick up a few rocks and we could go. To my great surprise and delight he dunked under water, and stayed under, and SWAM under water, popping up with ease and starting all over again. And again, and again. He did not go over his head, but he did not have to. He swam, and swam, and swam. He cruised the shore line at about 3 feet deep, checking out rocks, staying parallel, turning back if he went to far or turned a little towards the deeps. He did not do it because a teacher asked him to. He did not do it because I begged, or threatened, or bribed. He did it because he wanted to. Because it delighted him. Because it was fun. He swam, and twirled, floated, and snuck up and grabbed my foot under water. He even swam between my legs when I was talking with a friend who showed up. That made us both laugh really hard so he did it another five times. He swam and swam, we were late for dinner, and he assured me that he very much wants to do it again tomorrow.

Still Walking

2010-08-05T14:04:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe I have not posted since June. I was walking then, and still walking now. I had just completed my first nine mile walk, now I am up to 18 miles at a pop. Every week, two days a week, long walks back to back with ever increasing mileage. That 18 miles took me 5 hours of walking, and over an hour of fluff. You know, bathroom breaks, stretching, snacking, and chatting. I have run across an old friend named Jackson who was on the Lakewalk from Hawaii, our amazing speech therapist Tahirih on Park Point by the Lift Bridge, her daughter the next week at their house on the other end of the Point, a nice author named Carol in town to lecture (Go Fill A Bucket), a guy from Ireland on a cross country bike trip, my buddy Sally who lives two hours away, and an interesting veteran with a cool walking stick. All accidental meetings throughout the weeks. I have also seen an eagle on a garage roof (huge), two different spike bucks in velvet, a fawn, squirrels, bunnies, a fox, a turkey vulture akimbo at the top of a white pine on a hot day, and about a million lbb's (little brown birds). Plus the Loch Ness Monster down in the Cities. I am set to see her a lot this weekend as I go down for my big training weekend. Forty two miles to walk, and about a zillion trips around the Lakes. I am sure to see her on Lake Calhoun where she hangs out. And I might even see the Troll that has a little house in a tree down there. I hopefully wont pass out from the heat. I am pretty sure I can make the miles since I have now walked all of Skyline Parkway (26 miles). I have found that it keeps me very amused to be able to check out different houses and yards and gardens, plus the occasional detour into a park. I need to train on pavement so I have only hiked the zillion trails in town occasionally. I have discovered many favorite sites in town, and know all the best bathroom stops with water. Block by block there is a lot of scenery change. And I found I like to walk one hour before stopping for a bagel and coffee to go. There are conveniently two bagel/coffee shops in two different directions exactly 3 miles each from my house. Who knew? The world looks a lot different when you are walking, and even more different when you are walking alone for five hours. I thought I would have to resort to electronic entertainment such as MP3 or radio or borrowed iPod, but I made it just fine. I guess I am more amuseable than I thought. I will have to wait for another post to consider what profound things I have learned from this portion of the experience, next I have my big training weekend and in two more weeks the Walk itself. It's all Team time from here on out and I guess I will miss my solitude a little, but not too much. Cheers.

More Good News

2010-08-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

What a great summer. Alex has been at "summer camp" Mondays through Thursdays since June. I was worried because there is no assistant, but it is the preschool program he attended for a year, and his teacher is still there. She and the rest of the staff assured me they could handle him, and boy were they right. He has been coming home and teaching me new games and new songs. I have learned all about Toilet Tag and Fishy Fishy Cross My Ocean, as well as Flag Flag Firecracker. He is doing all the things this summer of six that I hoped he would be doing back in his five year old pre-school year. He is interacting with kids, following complicated verbal directions from teachers, coming up with new and interesting things to say and do, and generally being a kid in a pre-school program. He does not have bad behaviors because he does not understand and cannot communicate in the typical way. No more rolling on peers as a way to interact, or pulling hair as a worse way to interact. No more blank stares when asked what he did that day. He does not need someone to sit right next to him to keep him on task, or even remaining in the circle. He does still flap his hands when excited, and talk in a mostly routine way about the things He wants to talk about (storms, tornados, lightening, and red lights), but he is willing to change the subject when led that way. And he is happy. Truly happy, smiling, and having fun. He even teases the teachers a little. We still need to work on in- depth interaction with peers, but it is good enough for the moment that he is all about the games, and songs, and even art projects. Plus they hike to about two playgrounds a day and sometimes even get to take the bus to outdoor kid shows. He has embraced it all. I know we will continue to have attention problems once it is school work mixed in with the fun, but I don't really care. We'll get there, and I am a very happy camper. I felt guilty about having him gone so much, but I knew I could not give him the consistent kid exposure and routine he needed. Plus we have had marvelous adventures Friday - Sunday, with swimming, kayaking, travel, and just swinging in the yard. Ahhhhh, sweet summer.

The Days of Pooh

2010-06-20T22:28:00.003-05:00

I have loved my son since the day he was born. Loved him so deeply and fiercely that sometimes it takes my breath away. Every day in so many ways, it continues to amaze me. He is always changing. I remember when he was just a tiny baby at two months old. That was him. I could not conceptualize that he would ever change, and when a savvy co-worker gave me 12months and 2T outfits for a shower I panicked. Those clothes were so big and foreign. Would he still be adorable? Would he be a stranger? How could he ever change so much? How would I ever know enough to handle such a giant? Granted I was sleep deprived at the time and rather fragile, but the concerns were real even if the fears were over the top.

Drop in six odd years later and I have come to terms with a few things. My son will grow, and change, and still be magic in my eyes. Some time frames will be good, some time frames will be bad, and we will get through it all with love and life in tact. That said I am feeling a bit of that old panic tonight.

Tonight was golden. The evening of Father's Day. I worked all day and the boys had some marvelous adventures. When I got home I took our son off Daddy's hands, and took him for a river swim. We met up with boating friends who all managed to spawn at the same time. All of different ages, situations, and locales, four families ended up with kiddos traveling the same grade, and we meet up every season or more for various adventures. Tonight it was taking the kids "swimming" at a bend in the Knife River, a quiet Northwoods spot, not well traveled or much disturbed. It was the perfect spot for a kindergarten adventure. They do not need to go far to find adventure. Being out of sight of the car, and away from the trail is a thrill. Crossing calf deep water running mildly down rapids was enough for each of them to cling and squeal. Once we got to the pool with some currant at the far side I took to ferrying the little tykes across a six foot section of chest deep water (for them) so each could scramble up near the cliff wall. They would stand dripping and proud, looking about with big eyes, deciding if they wanted to jump back into my arms or just take a hand and try to flounder across. It was exciting and heart pounding, for kids and adults. I found myself counting them over and over as we all spread out a bit, making sure the ducklings were safe. They are still small enough to need that, and they stay close enough for it to be possible. Not a one strong enough or confident enough to really swim or duck dive in the four feet deep moving water. Moving lazily in the pool, but still moving, and absolutely impossible to see through. All my old lifeguard skills perked up. And I was busy with fun too.

There was much ferrying, but also spins through the water, assisted jumps straight out of the water, traverses below mini-rapids, and piggybacks across the stones. The little ones are still so tactile. There was Alex, his best buddy from school Lily, Carver a little blondie, and Elaina the peanut. Too excited to talk, mostly they would just flounder over and point or gesture where, or what. They are not quite up to my chest, so my height was a big advantage for their swimming experience. Plus I was one of the first parents in so I didn't mind getting soaked in the play. We caught the last of the afternoon sun as we got in the first river swim of the year. Alex loved it, and I see lots of potential for river or creek swims yet this summer. Tomorrow is the solstice, and we are just getting started.

And then there is Pooh. Alex likes to say, "Oh, bother.", when something does not go right, and he often talks about Pooh, and Piglet, and Eeyore. He wants to know what will happen if he gets blown by the wind when holding onto a string, or if there are Woozles or Heffalumps under the bed. Sometimes he even says, "Tiddley pom", or "Tut tut, looks like rain.". Often he says, "Mama, I am rumbly in my tumbly." And his little friends are right there too. They are in the age of discovery, wondering at the Hundred Acre Woods. Innocent as Pooh, scared as Piglet, brave as Tigger. I saw it in their faces on the river. Their joy at being there, their dawning realization of the wider world. Excitement at the splash of water and miracle of swimming skills. And their exhaustion at the end of the short adventure. The help needed with wet suits and tired emotions. The little hands seeking out mom or dad, needing steadiness and strength, wanting warmth and security. The adventure wrapped up with kids bouncing about in their orbits, and parents making plans. Then we all parted ways and it was me and my Alex. My wonderful, innocent, Pooh loving Alex. And this is where the panic comes in. I love this age so much I fear the future, where he will not have Pooh as his hero. When he leaves behind Piglet and takes up with Mario, or a Power Ranger, or something worse. I wonder if I am destined to be always missing the Age of Pooh. I wonder if he will change into something totally different as he grows. I wonder if the real world will tarnish him in a way the Hundred Acre Woods never could. I wonder if I will be able to keep him safe once he's too big to need to hold my hand. That is exactly when the world gets it's most dangerous.

But for now he is still in my safe keeping. I keep a weather eye on him, as do all the other good big people in his life. I am loving all our adventures, and really do look forward to him growing up so we can go further, and faster, with just as much fun. Maybe I will get lucky. Maybe he will always have a soft spot for the silly old bear. Maybe the world will keep him as safe as I want him to be. Maybe he will have more good judgment than I ever had. Maybe the older me will discover like the younger one did, this panic too shall pass.

Walking on Sunshine

2010-06-17T12:34:00.000-05:00

So, I am off a running. Well, not actually running, or even half-assed running. I am into my training schedule for walking. Just completed a nine mile walk along Lake Superior. Actually reversed the marathon route that will be clogged with runner types in two days. A nice cool and windy morning with some actual sun, all is going well so far. This is my biggest day, I did six miles yesterday. Next week I will do nine miles and nine miles back to back. I was out for three hours, and this is where the real work begins. For an hour or two I can amuse myself with my own brain, and my feet and joints don't protest too much. Past two hours, however, it all becomes a bit more challenging. I become bored with myself and whatever I am mulling over, and my feets and joints start to comment on things. Plus I did it all on pavement today. Pound, pound, pound. My team that I am walking with at the big event in August are all in the Cities, and I am not great at pre-planning to get friends out there with me. So I better get more friendly with myself, or prepare for some good fights between my will power and my whining brain. I suppose this is the time to learn to use the MP3 player. Overall it is going well. Four weeks of training down, eight to go. The final goal is the Three Day Breast Cancer Walk, for sixty total miles. Guess I'm on my way!

Summer's On

2010-06-15T13:25:00.000-05:00

Best day ever on Sunday. Kayaked with Alex and Lily, the girl who swears she will marry him. Kevin paddled them down the Louie in the duckie, a four hour whitewater run. The rest of us parents played safety boaters and photographers. Oh for the day they paddle on their own! My love affair with rivers continues and I am totally pumped and energized, even two days later. Ahhhhhh, back to the river... what could be finer? And now we have the ducky I can take anyone who wants to come! Any takers???

Rambling

2010-05-21T09:32:00.000-05:00

Wow, just did a mega post on the other site. I sat down at 7:45 to do a quick update and now it is 9:20. Dang. But that cleared up some space in my brain so it was worth it. This spring has been rolling along rather fast, but it is almost all good. No, not ALL good, but if it was I'd be a liar. How boring is that? Yesterday was stone cold gorgeous up here. Sun all day, not too hot. I went for a run, cleared more of the house, and went out with a friend I do not get to see much. We attended the opening of an amazing art exhibit and roller bladed along Lake Superior into the sunset. I am going to pay with aches and pains for the next few days, but it was worth it. I hope the summer is just like yesterday, sunny and a little bit cool. I have the gardens under way. The veggie one is cleared and ready to plant. The side one desperately needs weeding, and the lawn needs mowing again. I listed all the house projects we need to do and almost collapsed in despair, but then made a list of what we have done in 11 years and was pleasantly surprised. Not such the slackers, but a long way to go. I guess that means we can't die any time soon.

Well, that is all I am going to ramble about. That's it. I am good, my brain is clear, time to sort and haul the final keepers from the attic to the basement. -Cheers

The Talk, The Dinner Table, and Drama

2010-05-21T09:20:00.000-05:00

There has been lots of drama around here lately. So much that I am very far behind in posting and will try to catch up. But where to start?

Drama is a good place to start. Love triangles and lions. Late nights and sell offs. It has been quite a spring. Alex was in the school play. I signed up for this last fall, with no real clue of the involvement. My kid is in kindergarten, how bad could it be? Well, it was bad timing. And bad hours. And bad days at school. But, overall it was very good. Alex got very tired. Very tired indeed, and was hard to handle at school and home for about 10 days. The hours of practice for his non-speaking part were late and long. 6-8pm for an entire week. This would be more acceptable if his bedtime was not 6:30. I had a plan to only attend some of the practices, and then only stay for part of each, but I ended up having to work. A lot. Like the entire week. So Kevin took over and he powered on through with full practices. It was crazy, but perhaps ended up for the good. Alex got chaos training and endurance for the performance days. It was also the week of our garage sale, so there was lots of other work to be done. So, between the practices and performances, amping up to clear out our house and make a small bit of cash, and working a ton, it is all a bit of a blur. And my mom came up. We love seeing Grandma, and she loved the play and helped with the sale, but it was a whirlwind indeed. Alex was an elephant, had a multi-layered costume and full face paint, and three scenes on stage. He put up with it all like a trooper. The cast was huge at 90, but the other kids really looked out for him. Sometimes I get the feeling he is like the school mascot, in a good way. He had a 6pm performance on Saturday May 1st, also Sale day, and a 2pm performance Sunday May 2. I know this for sure, the rest is a but fuzzy. He had no bad behavior in specific during this time frame, like tantrums or blow ups (we have left those behind) but he was resistant and pokey at home and school, and more handsy and pincy with kids. There were three kindergarten elephants and the mama in fifth grade. The other two little ones, who Alex calls The Twins, were both girls from his class. They were adorable together. One of them, a cute redhead named Lydia, got her hand stepped on pretty bad during school by a disregulated Alex. I asked her mom about how she felt during play practice and she said, "Oh, she forgave him right away. She said that he didn't really mean it and just has a hard time controlling himself sometimes." I asked Lydia about it too, and she said essentially the same thing, while smiling and gazing at Alex. I heard through the grapevine she has declared her intention to marry him.

So, we survived the play weekend. The garage sale had also concluded a 21 day Financial Fast where we quit all spending and shopping, except for groceries, bills, and gas. That was a really cool experience, and tied in nicely with clearing out for the garage sale and focusing on selling off and donating unneeded things. The house got much clearer and we are ready to head towards a summer of building in the attic. As we got into May we began to revamp our dinner menu. We started a plan back in March of a weekly dinner menu. With school and all we had gotten into the bad habit of just feeding Alex pasta, toast, and bagels for dinner. It was all he wanted. Butter on all, and maybe cheese sauce or peanut butter for variety. We have lamented his limited diet forever, he is a plain carbs kind of kid. No meat, no beans, no veggies. Not even tomato sauce. If anything new is introduced he shuts down, either panicking, shutting down, or both. We have been through the food clinic and made progress there, but made little further progress. It started as a motor planning thing, and poor ability to distinguish textures and move food around. Then it became habit and phobia. I knew this, but was stuck. I didn't seem to have it in me to do creative taste picnics like the therapist, and work step by step to make it exciting and fun to eat progressively more difficult foods. That meant making a taste picnic time plan and having a specifically planned graduated menu, cooking it all, and fitting in these extra fun sessions into a regular time slot. Yikes. But finally all the carbs got to me. It was too much and he was showing signs of readiness and branching out a tiny bit in his eating. It was time to go for it. So I devised and weekly dinner menu. The same thing every week, at the same time. Real dinner, with plates, napkins, utensils, and all family present. We posted the menu and Alex immediately got in the habit of asking what was for dinner. It was very basic with some fun things like jello and pudding thrown in for some desserts. He totally got into making those. And Kevin got into it to. With a set menu to go off and shop for there was no more agonizing, or making separate meals for mom and dad. I usually cook when I am home, but Kevin is a champion cooker too. We have rarely ditched the menu and gone for pasta or toast. Except for play week, all bets were off then. But we are back on the regular schedule and it has worked. Some of the biggies he now eats are soup, and tomato sauce on his pasta. Still can't get him to eat a chicken nugget, but maybe that is for the best. He is totally into mashed potatoes, and eats his cooked veggies. We just did a 7 week revamp and dropped out some of the failures (the nuggets and hamburgers), kept favorites (soup, pizza, and ONE pasta meal a week), and the great success of the new menu was that my son at tofu. Tofu. And liked it a lot. "Mama, I like this white cake. It is yummy!". And yes, marketing is important. Tofu has become White Cake tofu, and quiche is Eggy Pie. Total failure on the quiche as he grabbed it too fast and burnt his mouth on melted cheese, but hope to get over that. This current menu will run for another 6 weeks before we revamp it again. And this time I will start blending in and hiding small amount of healthy stuff in his mashed potatoes and other places. As they say, youth and enthusiasm will always be overcome by age and treachery.

Perhaps the biggest event of the spring was our talk with Alex's class. Big mentally. We had his spring IEP, which was a dream. Love his staff, all of them, and they are really on target in terms of assessing him and planning to help him move forward. They are even instituting and new program for August to help him prepare for the next school year. As we wound down this year I tentatively wondered if it would be good to talk to his class about his autism. The enthusiasm was overwhelming. It overwhelmed my urge to run, forget about the whole thing, and pretend he us just an average kid. No luck there. It is good, I suppose, that he has some very visible signs of autism. He still flaps when excited, gets overstimulated by too much noise and excitement and runs out the door or grabs kids inappropriately, and it is easier for him to avoid social contact. But he loves his little friends too, and reaches out all the time in many different ways. And the kids notice all of this, and that he gets to leave class with his aide, and he does not always have the same rules as they do. Since they really seem to love him too it was time to come clean with them.

We debated about using the word autism. Are they too young to understand? Will they use the label as a weapon? Will it make them turn on him, or act differently than they would without the label?? But you can't erase the truth and understanding combats fear. The truth is there are quite a few notable differences with Alex, and these kids will encounter many other kids with autism in there lives. Maybe by knowing all about Alex, while they love him as they do, then that will help the others. The talk was short, about 10 minutes. Alex was out of the room, as well as the other little boy in their class with autism. Teacher had them gather around us on the carpet, 20 some little eager faces. We talked about how Alex is different, both the bad and the good, we talked about autism and how he was born with it, we talked about their observations. Lydia sat right next to me, and when I said nervously that Alex had a thing called autism she raised her hand with a big smile and said her mom had told her that. I didn't even know her mom knew, but of course she did. The signs are all there for someone to see. I was surprised and delighted, score one for the truth. Why delighted? Because Lydia was smiling, and Lydia wants to marry Alex too. I really got that these kids, these kids who have been with him all year, really want to be his friends. They are not just tolerating him, they are pursuing him. And even though he is not able to fully connect with or play with them on the same complicated level they are at, they don't care. They see him as a peer and friend, and tolerate the negative while celebrating the positive. They know about his good memory, and his sense of humor, his ability to memorize schedules and sequences, and know the rules. They like his smile and celebrate his opening up and joining their clan of kiddom bit by bit. Yes, the talk went well and we will do it again next year, but even earlier. Like October. And of course we ended with treats. Always bring good treats. Alex joined us and it was not weird. He was thrown by his parents being in class, but the other kids loved us and begged us to sit at all their tables. It was lovely.

There are only two weeks left of school. Alex's new 1st grade teacher joined out talk for a bit. He gets to keep his aide. She started out sharing two kids then moved to only Alex. She is staying on for another year to work one day a week with him. His other aide has worked with the other kiddo in class and will be with Alex instead next year, Monday through Thursday. She is great too. We have a full summer planned. My greatest dream is that Alex continues to connect with his peers, grow and learn to live in the regular world. He will always have his Planet Jellybean to retreat to, hopefully he will need it less and less.

I didn't really mean for this to be a mega post, but sometimes these things just happen. There has been more this spring but it will have to wait. I hit on all the biggies. Oh, except for the love triangles. Alex has two girls that have openly declared their love for him and intention to marry him. Lily actually had him in a headlock the last time she trumpeted her plan to Kevin. And Alex has proposed to two women so far, Melani who is a beautiful young lady in her 20's that I work with, and myself. Yes, he proposed to her first. That was last year. Just recently he declared that he will marry Lussi, a third girl from his class. She was in the play too, and dressed as an exotic bird. She is a peanut, but very much a strong little pixie. But alas, she has declared her love for Aiden. And so the world turns...

The Talk

2010-05-11T09:20:00.000-05:00

Today we talk to Alex's class about Autism. He will be out of the room, and we will sit down with his little friends for a chat and a thank you for being such great friends to Alex. I am nervous, and excited too. It may take a few days to get to a review of the whole thing, but I will post it when I can. Off I go!

Change sucks

2010-05-10T12:40:00.000-05:00

I'm just saying. Really, is there anything more to say? I've been working on changing bad habits and it just sucks. I had those habits for a reason, and the reason was they worked for me. Ignoring my finances worked for me. It took no time, and no effort. And that is my type of living.

Yeah, sometimes I am up for the challenge, and sometimes change just sucks. That's all, gotta go to work.

Financial Heaven

2010-05-07T10:08:00.000-05:00

Turns out A "Financial Fast" is heaven for me. It is done, and I loved it. I loved not spending money, I loved not shopping, window shopping, or even thinking about shopping. I have been anti-shopping for most of my adult life, and I like it fine that way. Not that I don't go on the occasional spending spree or have my spending weaknesses, but overall I do just fine without it. It gave me fewer things to think about and make decisions about. I like not spending and also saving. We saved a ton of money, I do not even know how much yet, but it was close to $1000. Some of that was selling off unused stuff, some of it was extra work, and some of it was just stopping all spending for 21 days. Of course that last one will result in some extra spending as we get back to it, just not too much I hope.

So, we fasted. And we cleaned. Or actually we cleared. Cleaning will come next. But we are still finishing up the clearing. Wow can a tiny house hold loads of junk. LOADS. More on that another time. There are a few things left in the Fast. We are following the next step by writing down all of our purchases for the next month, down to the gumball. I need to balance our accounts for last month, and tweek the system so we can keep track in real time, rather than ignoring finances until they shout to be heard. I need to pass the book on so it can be used by another (and another, and another). I have a dream of leading a group of folks in a Financial fast next year, and then leading Financial Peace University, too. It is a very good thing, and would be fun to lead and hear other peoples experiences. Since I am an avid NPR listener I do feel a bit guilty since I am doing nothing to help the economy right now, but that is really just a great rationalization for unnecessary spending anyways. I always like a good rationalization.

Unfortunately my whole life is not heaven at the moment, but at least I have one little corner of it.

Peace Out.

Disaster Zone

2010-04-20T13:13:00.000-05:00

AAARRRGGGHHH! This is one of those days. A disaster zone day. I can't help but look around and see all the failures in my house. Mess, upon mess, upon mess. Half trained dogs. Untrained cat. Detrained me. Or is that derailed?? Went for a run and whined to myself through the whole thing. Cleaned 1/8 of my dresser top and used up all my free time. Still need to shower. Laundry piled up. Sunny out and I am in.

I did run. And I grocery shopped. And I even put the groceries away. But I have not cleaned the whole house top to bottom. Or gotten my garage sale fodder all in the attic and all the rest tucked away in the basement. Nor have I cleaned all the dog poop from the yard. Yet to sort through the new load of clothing that arrived from Pittsburgh. But I do have a paycheck to deposit in the new joint bank account. And I have not broken my fast today. For all and all it is one step forward and a few back, yet I suppose there is progress. But I still feel like junk, am barely coherent, and hope to have a better day tomorrow.

Week 1- Financial Fast

2010-04-18T20:17:00.000-05:00

So far, so good. Actually really good. I will do this again in the future. So far we have saved $500 and the outcome from the garage sale may put us over the $1000 mark for the month's savings. I have not been perfect, and have had two big cheats and one small one. The big ones were pre-planned, because I was not going to cancel my hosting of book club, or the play Rent. I did spend about half what I usually do for book club, and managed a great meal. I generally put on the Ritz for the event, going all out with imported things (like $15 cheese) and fine wine. This time around we had Cheeze Whiz (super fun) and beer, hard lemonade, and hard cider. Plus I fed 10 with my meatloaf and mashed potato casserole, with three meatloaves left over. I did not worry at all about tanking my Entertainment envelope for the $25 for Rent, because there is no other entertainment to pay for. And it has not been painful. It just simply is not on the radar to run out and rent something, or go out to the movies. The things I have done include going with my boys all over town on the Gallery Hop, my first time ever. I have wanted to go for Years. I debated if it was a cheat or not since we were in "stores", but I called it looking at art and getting inspiration instead. Plus the trolley was free. We met up with a ton of friends and their kids at my favorite gallery, and when one parent decided on the spur of the moment to buy a $145 necklace I did not have the tiniest bit of jealousy. Usually I might have, cuz who doesn't like to treat themself, but instead I felt very content. Very. This friend makes a big salary, and has a beautiful house in the woods, and I have been jealous of her family in the past, but maybe part of that was just feeling they had everything together and we didn't. Now we are getting ourselves in order and I know we will make our mark in a good way. Plus we got really good news at that gallery, a local artist has agreed to make a new logo for us for barter. It's gonna be sweet.

Because we were not running over to the candy shop to buy Alex some Swedish Fish, or to the ice cream shop for some instant bliss, instead the kids all played on an outdoor banister for a good half an hour. Going down, squishing each other, rolling out of the pile up, running up the stairs to do it again. Then we all went over to the beach and the kids threw rocks in the lake for another half an hour. And I had no deep need to run over to the coffee shop and miss part of the action, like I have in the past. It was bliss. We also had our friends stay over night this weekend and I did not run out and buy a ton of groceries like I usually do, yet we still ate crepes with strawberries and chocolate for breakfast. Partly inspired by the fast I picked up a double this week I would have usually passed on, so there are 200 more dollars to throw on the pile. But that does lead to my other minor cheat. When I was on the double I charged my lunch, and a glass of tea, and then threw all caution to the wind at change of shift and bought three pieces of chocolate at the gift shop. I call it all one cheat since it all snowballed off itself. To top off the week, I went for a run. Oh, and I started to learn to surf, but that is another story.

So there. The first week of the financial fast, and my cheat confessions. That is the fast so far. I have not kept an actual journal, as the book suggests, and have not completed my budget or net worth statement, but I have time. Two more weeks of no cash spending, I am psyched!

Day 1- Financial Fast

2010-04-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

So far so good. Started the Financial Fast today. Not a penny has passed from my hands. Went to work, then came home and had a lovely evening with the boys. Hasn't been hard at all, yet. Just no temptation to run out to the video store after wee one is in bed. Instead I looked forward to calling my mom, and also had a nice bath, and did my needed neck stretches. And still have plenty of time before bed.

We have been on the envelope system forever for food expenses, and incidentals, and entertainment, and trips, and whatnot. This means I go to the bank twice a month and take out our planned amount of cash, put it in the designated envelopes (grocery, eating out, pets, trips, blow fund: which means blow it any way you want, gas, entertainment, clothing, etc.) and when the money is gone, it is gone. No cheats, no stealing, no credit. Theoretically. We have actually been pretty good overall, but have had our weak areas. For this fast I am hoping to do the whole month on only one cash run, and put the rest in savings. It should be fairly easy since whole envelopes (eating out, blow fund, entertainment, clothing) wont be touched. Our whole budget has always been quite limited anyways, but this will give us even more awareness.

What I am already much more aware of is how much of spending is purely entertainment. How often I will go and do things mostly for the kick of spending and for something to do. That walk to the ice cream store. A last minute run to the video store when there is nothing in particular I want to watch. Perusing at the consignment store when I really don't need any more clothes. There is a no window or catalog shopping rule too, so it was a little odd not to look at the print ads from the Sunday paper at work. I usually check out building supplies, appliances, and Best Buy to dream a little, but not today. I saw the ads sitting there and just looked away, aware but not upset. Oh, the marketers don't want to hear about this for sure. I did sneak a peek on my way home at the fun prom dresses in my consignment shop window, but only as we drove by. I don't think it truly counts as cheating. No, not yet. I'm sure that will come, in fact I have two cheats planned, but overall it was a good start to the fast. And I am actually excited to see how it unfolds. 1 down, 20 to go.

Just Mites

2010-04-09T14:26:00.000-05:00

Our house is filled with Just Mites. We are overrun. We are infested. I am going to get rid of them.

We are having a huge garage sale in 3 weeks. All of the Just Mites are going in it. If I look at something and say, "Hmmmm, I just might use this one day...", then I know exactly which pile to put it it.

For Sale.

Half Assed Running

2010-04-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

Went for a run this morning. I really did not want to, and am really glad that I did. I did not get out much over the last two weeks, so my motivation has dropped and the whine factor increased. That always happens to me when I get out of my routine. It becomes painful to think about spending my energy working out, and that means I have slipped into the danger zone. Fortunately I have a good base now, so I can get back into the swing of things pretty easily. It wasn't always that way.

It all started back in January '06 when I had my upcoming 20th class reunion. I was feeling a bit out of shape due to baby poundage and no working out at all. I switched my work routine and determined that if I was to survive working seven days in a row consistently I would need to build in stress relief. I got a gym membership where I work and started going three of those seven days, just before work, so it was all quite smooth. I got extra time to myself (Alex was two) and extra endorphins. Oh how I need endorphins, and I will even take them from an indoor track if I have to. I prefer my kayak, or rock climbing, or mountain biking, but those take either loads of time, or a specific time of year, or both. So I went with the always available gym and was able to stick with it. Well, the reunion came summer '06 and I felt pretty fit, which was nice. And I was hooked on workouts, so I just kept it up. Summer '07 I decided I should be able to run a 5km race. I had mostly been lifting weighs up to that point, with a little warm up run of 10 minutes 3 times a week. Since a 5 km takes about 30 minutes I figured I was already ready. Well, I ran the race and got my ass kicked all over the place. Mostly by me. I thought I could go really fast and almost killed myself. My sprint lasted about 3 minutes, and the next 30 were walking, limping, and then slowly running with an inspiring friend. I made it, and ate my humble pie at the finish. Then I got pissed, at myself, and decided to do something totally radical that I had never done before in my 30 odd years... train. Actually train and practice for something. I had always been more of a jump-in-and-do-it kind of a gal. No wonder I never made it to the pros. Oh well. So, I started training for running, at a pace I could manage. I ran so slowly at first that the walkers on the track would pass me. That was embarrassing but I kept at it. The endorphins kept me going, and I made slow gains. Very slow. But gains none the less. I was running three times a week for 30 minutes a session. I was not making the mileage because I ran so slow, but I decided on time as my main focus. I didn't always make my 3 times a week, but when I hit it I felt really good. And by the next spring ('08) I did indeed complete my first fully running 5km. At the back, but I didn't walk, or almost kill myself. I actually completed three races that year, two 5km and a 10km. I decided that for general fitness I would like to participate in four races a year. One per season. Three running and one cross country skiing. I haven't made the skiing race yet, hopefully next year. I will race the Mother's Day Breast Cancer race in May if I am not working. Or I will find another one.

The races are a riot. Who knew?? All those runners aren't just crazy or stupid, as I always assumed. There is a great energy out there at the races, and competition where I seed is minimal, we all just cheer each other on. Gives me a nice training motivation too. I have bumped up my program goal to 45 minutes of running, three times a week. I have not hit it lately, but will get there soon. It gives me so much energy, and cuts down on my whining so much, that I just have to do it. Plus it gets me outside and enjoying the unfolding seasons.

So, I didn't want to run, but off I went. Glad I did, and gotta keep it up. The endorphins are calling my name.

Break Those Chains

2010-04-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

I am starting a 21 Day Financial Fast on Sunday. 21 days of spending NOTHING, except groceries and gas. No videos, no movies, no eating out, no chocolate on my way in to work, not even a gumball. Bills are exempt. That's about it. And store pizza has to be pondered as a need or a want... Oh, and no shopping. None. No window shopping, garage sailing, no catalog looking, no Craig's List on the internet, no Sunday ads, nothing. Oh, this is going to be fun!!!

More On Money

2010-03-24T09:31:00.000-05:00

Holy crap, we did it. Paid off my student loan. Paid it off early, and paid it off with our very own money. It feels absolutely amazing. Really, really good. And believe you me, I know all about feeling good. I have chased that feeling all over the world. I started early, at 16 I was sky diving. By 22 I was regularly whitewater kayaking, rock climbing, and had even bungee jumped. In fact, I almost got a job as a bungee jumping tech. I knew I would get to test the equipment every day. Yahoo. And that would feel great. Finishing a difficult rapid feels great. Climbing a 5.9 rock face and topping out feels great. Leaping off a 212 foot bridge after a helicopter ride into the bush of New Zealand feels Great. But man, paying off those student loans feels really GREAT too.

As I said in my earlier post, I have been a terrible money manager. I have behaved as if money grew on trees, and it was always harvest time. A few years ago I made up a little ledger sheet called "Gifts and Loans of our Marriage". That was a reality check. We got very far on a fabulous family, student loans, and generous associates. And some dumb luck too. We found our house through our outdoor network, and the seller was very easy on us. Nice old rust buckets with plenty of life left in them have fallen into our laps. Even appliances have turned up when we really needed them. Okay, we had needed a new stove for awhile, the bungee cord we used to keep it closed was starting to fray. But still, a three year old stove for $50. How does that happen? Dumb luck, and a dirtbag willingness to wait. Yes, we have lived frugally, but when push came to shove we got some really big loans and gifts too.

No more. No more loans. No more counting on gifts. And no more ignoring the big things like budgeting the money we earn, a real emergency fund, repairs for the house, retirement, a college education for Alex, and real investments. We are doing a Total Money Makeover, ala Dave Ramsey, and working the Steps. This is not a cult, but it is counter cultural. We are giving up totally on credit. No cards. No payments. No 0% interest and "no money down". We are going back to the old ways, if we don't have the money, we don't buy it. And learning to save for what we need. And learning invest as well. Step, by step, by step. ALL of our personal debts are now paid, and we wont be running out for a student loan or new car. I have personally been tempted, with all the great car offers out there now, but I think I passed the test. Instead I am focused on filling up that emergency fund, having $12,000 for rainy days. Not for cars, or repairs, or trips, or other things we will budget for for, but for emergency's. For the big "What if's" and real general security. Once we have that lump sum (and we are 1/4 of the way there) then we will crank up the retirement fund.

The real key to all of this is controlling people. In specific, the people in the mirror. Along with the the "Loans and Gifts" sheet I toted up all of the income Kevin and I have earned. It is actually more than all the gifts and loans. Whew. That was good to see, and inspiring. Kind of sad, wondering where the hell it all went, but ultimately inspiring. Helped kick us into gear, and really commit to this Total Money Makeover. Now we are running with it, and feeling great. GREAT! I realize now the cost of avoidance. And the freedom of the fight. It is all doable, and it is ALL GOOD.

The Alex Report

2010-03-23T07:31:00.002-05:00

I know I was supposed to blog more about Jamaica, but first I need to put out another Alex Report. It has been far too long. Plus I have a blogging announcement for the end.

As I put Alex on the bus this morning I considered how far we have come. The Spring Concert at school rolled through my head, where Alex had a Maraca solo. He is in Kindergarten now, and we are living the dream. The dream my favorite autism books talk about, where your child is fully integrated into a regular classroom, with pull out time to work on the skills he needs. That is what we have, and the school is fantastic. They have bent over backwards to accommodate Alex, and had fun doing it. He has an aide to die for. She was a elementary school teacher for many years, had had time off due to illness, and decided to work another year in the classroom. She is the most loving and invested person we could ask for. She has read every book I recommended, and fully immersed herself in learning autism. We have tea every month or so, and she has been a delight and a comfort. His teacher is also a beautiful soul, she knows young kids, and has made a perfect learning environment. She is very structured, and predictable, but also builds in super creative days and projects. Alex loves her, and was imitating her within a week of being in her class. He was also terrified of her, because she is somewhat intimidating (a Nordic goddess in Kevin's words), so he played hard to get for the first few months. She has been great at insisting on eye contact. And then there is the special education staff. They are all hard working, super invested, and cool people. And all there, on site. No traveling to other schools. No leaving the adorable country school, with it's woods and trails, gardens and greenhouse, and multiple playgrounds.

So, it is all going great, but of course I still worry. I worry that I have not been working with him enough at home. Worry that we let him veg out on the computer for half an hour after school, sometimes even 45 minutes. Worry that his hand writing is atrocious and he hates writing. Worry that his bus ride is an hour each way, and he is not learning or socializing, just stimming. Worry that this is as close to the norm as he will ever get.

The kids at school seem to love him. He has his favorites, all girls of course. He likes the boys too, and there is one little one that keeps asking if he can give Alex his phone number. Next time I will say yes. There is a mean one too, and Alex bit him a few weeks ago. I was not too sad about that and I suspect the staff really wasn't either. Alex is talking a lot about feelings and trying to understand what others are feeling. He will ask, "Was she sad?" or, "What did my teacher feel when I squished Isaac?". He talks about sitting on, rolling on, and hitting kids, but the teacher reports he is very well behaved and only grabs kids sometimes or pinches a little when excited. Maybe he is thinking about sitting on them?? He can now tell a story from beginning to middle, and sometimes even the end. We have made lots of progress, but sometimes it seems we are still very far off the mark. When I get too worried, however, I pull out a recent cherished memory. One of the most popular, smart, and sweet girls in his class wants to marry him. Lily Brown told my husband this when they were having a play date over a month ago. I guess we are doing okay.

Blogging announcement- I have started another blog. I felt like I wanted this blog to reflect Family matters and Autism more than anything. My other blog is all the random musings I am sometimes prone to. Feel free to visit Bethupnorthramblings.blogspot.com, I have been rambling there for a while now. Cheers!

In my Pajamas

2010-03-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

I'm in my pajamas at 2:30 in the afternoon, Central Standard Time.

Just thought I'd mention it.

It Really Happened

2010-03-15T13:22:00.002-05:00

I still can't quite believe that Kevin and I went to Jamaica. An amazing late winter trip, just us, while our son stayed home in Minnesota and went to school. One of the perks of being an adult I suppose. It was a truly incredible trip, from the frozen North to a tropical paradise. We stayed at a resort just for couples that was "all inclusive". No need for money while there, not for the activities or the abundant and delicious food and drinks, or even the top notch service. I felt like a princess. And it was like a time machine back to dating. All exterior pressures were on hold for one glorious week. We missed our son like crazy, and I don't know that we can ever leave him behind like that again, but it was a nice bit of heaven. Here are a few pics to start the story, I will post more as I get them processed and ordered.

It turned out to be windy for the entire time we were there, so we took advantage of the waves and learned to boogie board. It was fun, and exhilarating, exhausting, and a pure riot. We got out once or twice almost every day.

We were on the western tip of Jamaica, along a beautiful beach, at a resort called Couples Negril. I have never stayed at such a place. More of a Low Budget kind of traveler, this was a style that was not difficult to get used to. The Jamaican staff were lovely and perfect, the food to die for, and the resort itself was built into the site like a residence in the Garden of Eden. Every need was anticipated, from food to drink, to entertainment, to down time. We feasted and experimented. I ate curried goat and smoked marlin.... both delicious. Sorry PETA, I have really surrendered my card now.

Oh yeah, and there was this guy I used to know. I think I married him awhile back, but with the pressures of child raising, Autism, business, house holding, day jobs, infertility, and a generally wild schedule our marriage had been on the back burner for quite awhile. This trip was the Honeymoon we never had, and the 10 wedding anniversary trip we didn't take. We have been married over 11 years now, and this retreat together was fully appreciated and celebrated.

And like a fairy tale. A resort to tend to all of our needs, built like a palace, filled with interesting people. I was not sure what the guests would be like, and they were super. Many other appreciative folks, taking a break from their busy schedules and enjoying a bit of paradise. The staff were great too, and having worked in the tourism and guest services industries, including house keeping, I did not feel too bad taking advantage of their hard work and expert attention. I was a bit like non-stop theater, with the staff as the actors and the guests as the interactive audience. It was a well directed and well preformed, Broadway quality for sure.

More to come....

Money Honey

2010-03-12T14:32:00.000-06:00

WARNING: Much X Rated Adult material about that most naked of subjects....Finance. Read at your own peril, this is a bare all kind of discussion.

I have been the world's worst money manager. Thank goodness I was given a lot in my lifetime, or I would have been forced to turn to prostitution, drug dealing, or cat burglary. I traveled all those years ago on a surprise inheritance, not on any super savvy money ethic of my own. I never even had a job until after my sophomore year in college. Every big trip I ever took was either a gift, or a gift. I'd like to believe I earned those trips through charm and being a good person, but that is more bull shit than I can handle. Just damn lucky I guess.

Not to say I haven't gotten better over time. I actually have worked for a living for many years now. I don't bounce checks or use an overdraft "line of credit" or pile up interest that I never tally anymore. My hubby and I settled in a reasonable town, bought a super cheap house, and almost live within our means, including supporting a munchkin. I've gotten better, but am about to take it to the next level.

Total Money Makeover. I started this process back 2002. We started using cash for all the little stuff and got on the "envelope system" to make that work. We stopped using credit, and Kevin shot the last credit card back in 2007. We have Health Insurance, Life Insurance, and are close to a real will. Now we are about to take our Tax refunds and jump into the deep end of the pool. Spend it all by paying off ALL of our personal debts, including my student loan. Start building a real emergency fund (aiming at $12,000), and see how fast we can do it. Then we really get into the nitty gritty of The Plan from there. We are selling things off, tightening our belts, and finding ways to increase our income. We will be having a big garage sale in May. All big purchases, all the "I wants" are on hold. The truck is gone as of yesterday. The scooter sold last month. We are again a one car family, and will stay that way until our budget stabilizes. We are officially nuts, and this is fun.

No really, I swear. This is fun! I am so excited and pumped. The thought of money no longer makes me nauseous. I work my budgeting sheets into the dark of night, because I WANT to. I am finally figuring out things that were a total mystery to me. Like how compound interest works, and what the heck a "nest egg" really is. Perhaps the strangest thing is the thought of working is also exciting. Weird, but true.

I am off and running. There is more to ramble on about, but this is a good start. I dream of teaching a class on finance in a year or so. Just a little one, no new degree needed. For now I will head off to work to see my peeps. Especially those who have already joined me in the She Woman Debt Haters Club that was formed a few years back. Ciao.

New Tricks

2010-03-12T09:30:00.000-06:00

On my big trip I learned that I like scuba, and can pass a basic resort course. I also learned how to operate my new idiot proof camera, never did learn the old digital beyond point and shoot. After the trip I am learning to edit, size, save, and post my own pictures. Am very slow but I did this picture and my new facebook pictures all by myself.

I have gotten a bit lazy as an old married lady, and let my husband do certain things like learning how to use digital cameras. I am going to knock that shit off.

40 Something

2010-03-11T08:51:00.000-06:00

I remember a TV show from the 80's called 30 Something. At that time 30 seemed so old I could barely imagine it. My sister thought it was great. It was all about relationships, and kids, and jobs. I was not set on a future like that. I did not know what I wanted, but I knew I wanted to be "different". Well, I am not sure if I wanted that or if I just was, so I might as well embrace it. I was not a cheerleader in school. Nor was I popular, or a pretty girl. I was mostly ignored and fully aware of it. Not too different to be picked on or hounded, just relegated to the way less than elite. I, however, did not want to be elite anyways, so there. When I learn how to use the new scanner at home I will post a few choice photos. Perhaps my favorite is wearing my short hair in a sea of mall bangs, with my brown psuedo-military outfit with the belt that wrapped two times around and over my shoulder. It had silver bars on it, reminiscent of those big guns whose names elude me right now. Not that I was about to join the Sandinista guerrilla fighters, I just liked the look. I wish I could say I was into hard core punk, but I listened to WIFC like everyone else. Me and Tears for Fears were buds. I did know the one guy in school who put a safety pin in his ear. And, I had a rat tail.

Yes, I was different and did not know were that would take me. Away from Wausau, Wisconsin, that was for sure. I escaped to college, and into the heart of Minneapolis. I went everywhere, partied downtown often, and lived the big city life. Eventually Minneapolis was too mundane, or at least my corner of it, and I tired of urban living. My best friend, who came through it all with me, from kindergarten to sophomore year of college, had similar feelings. She thrived on the urban part, however, and moved to Los Angeles. By 1992 she was settled with a real job, a soul mate, and a baby. I was terrified by this and went off to see the world. Or at least to get as far away as possible from the Mid-West and even the US.

We were in the Gulf War at the time, and I wanted nothing to do with that. I was not a patriot, thought the "war" was a bad move, and could not wait to get out. I hated Bush, had hated Reagan, and was ready to be far, far away. I had vague ideas about falling in love with a man from a foreign country and becoming and ex-pat. This may have been more realistic if men actually looked at me as more than a friend or fun tom boy. Or if I had ever had a relationship that lasted more than two weeks in real time, not counting endless crushes. I had the dream, but it never quite worked out the way I wanted. I spent a few years in New Zealand, which were glorious and grand and worthy. There were men, of course, and I had a few crushes, and was crushed by them. I did have one boyfriend, but since he was totally into me I determined he was not worth having. I did get to keep his best friend, but that story is better saved for another post. Yes, I had a marvelous time abroad, but I did not fall in love. And I did not stay.

All that was still as a 20 Something. And now, here I am, blogging at 41. How did I get here? is a question that has popped up a lot lately. I am back in a town with a very similar feel to the one I escaped from at 17. I have a husband, a job, and a child. A house, and pets, and lots of stuff. I lived for years out of a VW Rabbit, owning no more than the hatchback could hold. Sometimes I feel really old. Don't get me wrong, I do love my life. It is filled with love, and loved ones. That is the most important part. It is also filled with the outdoors and adventures. Smaller adventures than in the past, but adventures still. I love my life, it is just way closer to the show 30 Something than I ever expected.

Or Roar

2010-03-10T20:27:00.000-06:00

Ready to take on Scuba Diving in Jamaica last week.

I Am Woman - Hear Me Ramble

2010-03-10T12:19:00.000-06:00

This is it, time to split my blogs.

It occurred to me while I was running through the damp and fog today, that I generally do two kinds of post on my current blog. I post about my family-my son-and autism, and I post about ME. I feel guilty about posting about me much of the time, because if people want to read about Alex, the fam, or Autism, then I am a minor player. But I am often driven to post about me, since it is the thing I know most about, and sometimes least. I have been with me from the beginning, as far as I can tell, and there is much to say. Plus blogging about myself is more a meditative enterprise than anything, and I do not wish to inflict that on the general public. And sometimes I wish to go PG-13, and that feels weird where I talk about my son so much.

Thus, this new blog is born. I hope to be whitty and amusing, insightful and occasionally teach-y, reminiscent and go-girl-power. Also I am sort of on the back side of a mid-life crisis, so I feel more comfortable talking about that here. Just returned from a fabulous experience in Jamaica, so am feeling all empowered. That's it for the explanations, as far as I understand them myself. I am having delusions of adequacy as a writer, so bear with me and feel free to comment.

Winter Fun

2010-02-12T20:27:00.001-06:00

Alex, Jack, and I went skiing today. It was Alex's third time on cross country skis this year, and the best outing yet. Blue skies, gorgeous white snow, and warm temperatures. He is so cute on his little skis, chugging along. We have discovered a dog/ski trail at the end of our neighborhood, on a nice wooded golf course. It is not too steep, not too curvy, and not too long. We have yet to make a full circuit (about 5km) but may get there by the end of the year.

I have had to lay down the law about a few things. Thou shalt get up on your own, is the big one and was instituted on his last trip. Thou shalt not whine, another key commandment, was begun on this trip. And Thou shalt wear sunglasses, will be started on his next outing. Getting up on his own saves my back, no whining saves my sanity, and wearing sunglasses will be good for him directly. He looked so cute rolling around on his back trying to figure out how to get his skis back under him. I think it is excellent problem solving practice.

My motivational techniques sometimes are carrots and sometimes are sticks. For the first two laws, sticks were in order. But maybe not your normal sticks. I threatened him with having to take his skis off and walk. It went like this... "Fwuump", down he went in a small heap. "Mama, mama, pull me up!", from somewhere at snow level. "Nope, you get yourself up or we will have to take your skis off and head back to the car." -pause- "Okay." And up he would pop, usually sooner rather than later. Dang, why didn't I do that the whole time last week? Oh yeah, we were with friends and their kids, and I wasn't sure if he could get himself up. By the end of that trip I was a bit fried so gave up on all help, and threatened walking because it was all I could think of. To my amazement it worked, so I am sticking with it. This time we were on our own, and my main goal was his independence. I only gave him the tiniest help two times. He was down at least two dozen. Ahhhh, the sweet taste of success. And he had fun! And so did I. Whining was minimized as well, and new techniques were dabbled with. Like side stepping up the steep stuff, and skiing downhill through three inches of fresh powder. It was quiet glorious. I was day dreaming of other, longer ski trips to take in the future. Visions of hut-to-hut trips in the mountains were dancing in my head. Maybe a day at a downhill ski area with peaks nearby, and trails, trails, trails. We could even start with the Upper Peninsula of Michigan before heading out West one day. The whole snowy world awaits.

TAB's

2010-01-26T12:10:00.000-06:00

Well, it has been quite a few weeks since posting my glorious New Year's Resolutions. Glorious? Only in light of what the last few weeks have been.

I was out sledding on January 4, having a great time with the family and friends, when an unasked for little slice of life tapped me on the shoulder. "What?", I said. "You will have a reality realignment.", it said. "Again?", "Yes, again.". Within 24 hours I was in the ER for the worst headache of my life, and constant nausea and vomiting. Yahoo. I went in style, in my pajamas and fuzzy couch potato fleece. And boots, of course. After ruling out anything truly heinous they sent me home with powerful meds. These were followed by more meds later in the week, and an extremely slow recovery from a "pinched nerve". C-1 is where the skull rests on the spine. C-2 is the pivot point. Somewhere in all those tiny muscles, ligaments, and joints I came up with a world of hurt. Nothing showed on the CAT scan or the X-rays, but it is there. It was two weeks before I could stay upright for more than 20 minutes, or eat a decent meal. Two weeks mostly face down in bed, with an ice pack on my neck. Trying to make the knives in my left eye ease up a bit and the rolling in my stomach settle down. This gave me lots of time to think.

First I thought, "At least I didn't Break my neck". This morphed into, "At least I am in my nice cozy home, not Haiti.". Then there was, "Gosh, I think I need to get my husband a medal.", and "Wow my son is adorable, even if I can't do anything with him.".   Finally, "When will I be fixed, I'm getting mighty tired of this." It seems to be two steps forward and one step back, all the way. Which is still progress. After two weeks I left the house for pleasure (one golden hour), then could not get out of bed the next day. After 16 days I ate my first chocolate (yes, my stomach was that off). And after 18 days I had my first coffee (perhaps I should have quit while I was ahead.). Now I am settled into a one-day-up, one-day-down routine. Not that I do much when I am up, but I dream.

I started PT a few days ago, and it is excellent. My PT is an angel, she helped fix my shoulder a few years ago. Now she is helping to pull my head right off my neck. This is a good thing, because I have a few tight muscles. Okay, I have a lot of tight muscles. I have always been focused on being strong. Now the cosmic lesson is to take the time to stretch. I am a very mentally flexible person, probably too flexible, but never gave my muscles that training. Maybe I should turn it all around, work on being mentally strong, and physically flexible. Cuz the strength is still there. Even after weeks in bed my neck and shoulders feel like rocks.

I was once told that it is a good idea to listen to the little lessons thrown your way. That the universe will throw toothpicks at your forehead to get your attention, and if that does not work then next comes the two-by-four. Well, my neck has been bothering me a bit for over a year now. I kept thinking, "I should get it together and do something about this...", and never quite got there. I am there now, and determined to work on things.   Really, I have no choice. Other than to give up, but that is no fun. So I am soldiering on. PT, stretches, down time, up time, attempt to get one or two things done. I now have great sympathy for migraine sufferers, and those who have been through car accidents and other long term issues. I see the agony. And I am determined to follow where ever this leads. Perhaps to yoga, maybe bio-feedback. I have friend that does acupuncture, and I will give it a whirl. I want to get back to my running, and maybe even ski cross country by the end of the season. But I think I will stay away from the sleds.

And what is a TAB?   It is a term that comes from people with disabilities. A little inside joke. Because if you don't have a disability label then you are a TAB. Temporarily Able Bodied. Make the most of it, folks!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-04T13:59:00.001-06:00

Nothing like running at 30 below zero to clear ones head. Also leaves icicles on you eyelashes, which is pretty cool too. It has been a long time since I posted and I will now make a vague New Year's Rsolution that I will post "more". I know, I should be more specific, but I really don't want my blog to be a chore so will leave it to when the spirit moves me.

I have made a few specific resolutions so will share. That way I can share the guilt if I need to. In no particular order.
Organize- With the Flylady web site: every day.
Train- With a clicker and my two dogs: every day (if only for a minute each).
Run- 3 times a week, 3 races this year. 1: 5km; 1:10km; 1:1/2 marathon.
Ski- Nordic. Get Alex into classes, Race 1 time. Learn to wax.
Playdates for Alex- 1 time a week, or more.
Budget- Revamp.
Read- Finish each book club book Before book club.
Food-Improve and have great meals at home with family.
Girl Dates- At least once a month. 4 movies, 4 Art, 4 music.

That's what comes to mind. Nothing grand and glorious, but keeping things going and having fun doing it. It is very cold out today, but we have friends coming over from Germany to go sledding so will keep this short. Hope to ramble on soon. Keep warm and keep smiling. Yours- Beth

After the Fall

2009-10-26T11:57:00.001-05:00

Back to mud season. Rain, grunge, tracks in the house. Not that housekeeping rules my life. We keep an uneasy truce much of the time. The house minds it's business, I mind mine. But even a dirtbag housekeeper like me can only ignore so much. Mud season. It is a usual time for my juggling balls to hit the ground, splat. My son's education, my career, outdoor adventures, fitness, creativity. Splat. It is the darkening of the year, cold and wet. Summer and Fall glory are fading and the glittering season of Winter has not begun. An in-between place. A place of uneasy rest. And some good tickles. Alex and I have been playing let's-hide-under-the-quilts-and-have-tickle-fights quite a lot lately. Such a cozy place to be, especially when still in pj's after the initial bathroom runs. Then again after lunch when we're dressed and bored. Again in the evening when postponing the bed time routine. Warm, dark, cozy, comfortable. He has absoluetly no fear of the dark, and likes to block out all light under the covers. Then he will tunnel to the end of the bed like a mole. It's a riot. A perfect game for these times. Thank the Lord for goose down, even as I feel sorry for those birds. A guilty pleasure. Now is also a good time for cooking. Some of my 44 pounds of green tomatoes have turned into bonafide veggies, and I have a glorious tomato sauce in the fridge. More like tomato soup actually, all velvety and smooth. Tomatoes grown out in the sun and the wind, under the giant sky, chopped and simmered down into one pot and plunked in the fridge. A concentrating and distilling down. That is what this time of year seems to be. A bit melancholy, and more so this year. A year since we lost our most wonderful dog. A time when friends and loved ones lost also come easily to mind. Summer gone, winter coming, the earth in between breaths.

I feel a bit like the grasshopper juxtaposed with the ant. Oh-oh, winter's coming and only my fiddle is in tune. But much as I try I will never be an ant. This is why I try to keep my life simple. I do not have the routines and habits to support more stuff. In fact I want to free myself of more stuff. Clear out the composting items (only metaphorically speaking, I swear) and get down to the really necessary. Less things to clean the mud off. Two billion people on this earth live on less that two dollars a day. I think I can do better. All I need is a warm house. And a few clothes. And my outdoor gear. And food of course, and my books. Let's not forget indoor plumbing. Art supplies are good. So are my radios. Gotta keep the two vehicles (well, not really but...) and the washer and dryer are key. Maybe I can get rid of the pine-cone collection? But not my rocks. Or pets! Hmmm. Maybe just the mud.

But really, it's all good enough. Kevin is very busy and business is doing well. Alex still loves his school. He now has a new job of calling out the bus numbers for kids to line up at the end of the day. I got a call from one of the mom's who picks her daughter up, telling me what a wonderful job he does. And I had tea with his aide last week. Two and a half hours of sharing about Alex, in both directions. It was delightful. She is a grandma and just a marvelous woman. He is starting to really connect with emotions now, his world is opening up and coloring. At home we talk about many things, and at school he is learning every day. He cried and cried at school over a story about a girl who flew out the window and over her town, he could not talk about why. He told Miss Trudie, "I look out my window and try to fly, but I can't..." and cried some more. Last year, when Lucky died we told him how she flew up to heaven. Now he is getting words and images for that sadness, and that is a very good thing. It is sometimes trying, as emotions leak all over every day happenings, but it was much worse for them to be so deep and impossible to understand. They say that kids with autism do not have much emotion, and that is so untrue. What is true is they are often locked off in their own well, with no connection to the processing and logic part of the brain, so that they can only be in one part or the other. With little or no communication between the two and no understanding of how to corral and control emotion. Better to just seal that area off. But you can't. And then when these kids fall in the well, it is so hard to get out. Tantrums, head banging, lashing out at others. Endless fear or rage or sadness. Until they escape, and leave all those impossible emotions behind, sealed off again and avoided. Little by little, we are connecting the two, and this will be our biggest job for the next several years. We get the brunt of this work, and that is fine. At school he is happy and joy filled. He is impressing them with his memory and love of academic skills. And the kids seem to really like him, even if they don't get why he is so quirky. He still can't converse in kid language, and his attention span and fidgetyness keep him on the move during class. But with continued work it will all come around.

So things may be muddy and dark, but the world keeps on spinning. The end of one adventure becomes the beginning of another, as long as you're living in a circle and not a straight line. I think it is time to go for a run with the new dog... in the mud. C-ya!

Writing Wanted

2009-10-20T21:17:00.000-05:00

I want to write.
Tried tonight.
Lots to say.
No brain today.
Could be the cold.
Could be the virus.
Bookkeeping done.
What else desireous?

Hibernation

2009-10-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

It's not that I don't like winter. I do. I really do. I get excited to ski the trails, skate the ponds, and hike the rivers.   I love to hear water under ice, watch gorgeous individual snow flakes, feel frozen air hit my lungs at 20 below. I love to snowshoe in silent woods and sled the deserted golf courses. When it is winter the world outside is yours.

When it is 40 degrees, and raining, and dark, I just want to go to bed. And stay there. At this time of year it is cold and miserable. The trails are mud, the clouds are grey, and the sun gets up late and goes to bed early. And so do I. This is the Achillies heel of my outdoor year, perhaps of the whole Northland. As the joy of the harvest goes past, and the last brilliant days are wrung out, the darkening of the year begins.

Maybe I should take my cue from the bears. Hibernate for real. Give Christmas a miss and hang a sign on the door, "See you next Spring!".   The cat wouldn't mind. I'd have to put the feather bed on, to match the down comforter. Usually I wait until the first real cold snap. Instead I can snuggle in now, and dream away the months.   Maybe this year I'll do it, I've had the impulse before.

Yeah, it's not that I don't like winter, I just do not like the build up to get there.   I guess I'll just throw in a good movie, drink some tea, and wait, wait, wait for the snow....

The Harvest Dinner

2009-10-10T21:27:00.001-05:00

I am stuffed to the gills as I write this. Tonight was the annual Harvest Dinner for the Clifton Volunteer Fire Department- Duluth Township. It is held at the Duluth Town Hall out on the Homestead Road. Not on Homestead Road, mind you, but The Homestead Road. There is something very curious about the countryside around Duluth. It is fiercely proud, and quirky. There are people who have lived there for generations, and most of them know their good fortune. Many more have moved in during the last few decades, and they are dedicated to the area. Alex's aunties, Barb and Sherry, live in the country 'round there. They have a gorgeous wooded place, with a house they built from scratch and a shop that is the envy of all. Woods (40 acres), fields, a stream, fire pit, Quonset hut, a huge garden, and now the happiest chickens on the planet; their place has it all. Oh yeah, and a killer dog yard for when they have to go to work, free range cat, and 10 acres of invisible fence for the pooches. Their name for the spread is Camp Bark in the Dark. But I digress.

This year was my first in three that I have made it to the feast. Alex and Kevin make it every time and Alex even made the poster this year. Twirling his pasta on a fork, with a big grin. It is a fund raiser for the fire department, and Sherry is a fire fighter. So is Jody, who also fixes violins and lives nearby. She picked the numbers and our little family had a clean sweep in the door prizes. We walked away with the coolest cutting board ever (wooden circle with an engraved spiral), sustainable farming calendar and gift certificate for the New Scenic Cafe, and alphabet letters that interlock. The music in the background was great, fiddle and guitar duo. It took about ten minutes for me to realize the musicians had also played at our wedding. I thanked them and informed them that the music had done it's magic and we were still happily married eleven years later. There were dozens of happy eaters, all cozy in the Duluth Town Hall. An old country community building that we had wanted to get married at, but could never get ahold of anyone to work it out. The unknown woman we sat next to had fought to create Alex's charter school, when it was slated to be closed 7 years ago. She also knows my great friend Sam. Maybe we have just been in town long enough to make all these amazing connections, but I also like to think we have been doing a few things right along the way. Cultivating what is good and nourishing.

The food, of course, was excellent. Spaghetti with fresh, organic, homemade sauce. Veggies straight from local gardens. Venison and locally harvested meat. And dessert, dessert, dessert. Kevin is going deer hunting at Sherry's tomorrow, and we are hoping for venison of our own. The suckers are running rampant around here right now, and if we don't harvest them they will eventually come up with overcrowding illnesses. Plus they are as free range and organic as it gets. Tasty too. I do still have some lingering, post-vegeterian regrets, but I live with them. We are starting to break the news to Alex about where some of Mama and Daddy's food comes from, he still being a total vegeterian. Not for lack of trying on our part, he just wont touch meat. We started by explaining tonight that we were stopping by Barb and Sherry's after the dinner to close their chickens in for the night. So no other animals would eat them. This is a little part of the world we have not been terribly forthright about. He never asked, we never explained. He was rather interested in this new bit of information, and enquired about what types of animals might eat the chickens. We came up with about a dozen local predators. He didn't ask anything else, but we did forge on and mention Daddy was going to try to shoot a deer tomorrow. I am not sure that he knows what that means, but if Kevin brings one out of the woods I guess he will further his education.

So, now the Harvest Dinner is past and the trees in the country are at their peak of color. I currently have 44 pounds of green tomatoes ripening in the kitchen, and three coolers full of apples. The last of the flowers fill two jars on the table. Tomorrow we may have venison for the freezer and Sherry stated she forsees eggs in our future. Winter is surely coming (especially since it snowed today), but I think our cozy little free range life in Duluth should see us through.

Film at 11

2009-10-05T21:47:00.002-05:00

http://www.fox21online.com/healthreport/duluth-clinic-helps-autistic-children-c http

Well, I think this will work. This is a little piece that was done for the news in our area. Since Alex is such a ham, and loves his acting, we were asked to participate. It was fun, except for the fact that we had to do it twice. They lost the first entire interview set and film. Not sure how that happened, but a few weeks later they sent an entirely new crew to film again. I would be very curious to compare the two, since I don't think I said the same things at all. But I'm sure the gist was the same.

I am so indebted to this clinic, I think I would go to the moon for them. Our fundraiser last month pulled in over $9,400, so I feel like I am helping out even if I was only a little part of it all. Still could do more, just not sure what. I do NOT like the way I look or sound on camera, so Hollywood is out unless I get a makeup artist (or 12) and voice coach. Tahirih is the bomb... maybe we could write a book together or something one of these years. Perhaps when survival of junior high is imminent. For now I am just happy to be helping in small ways.

In other news, Alex ate parmesan cheese the other day, without any coercion at all. I just put it on the table and announced he did not have to eat it because it was for me. And today he ate two different kinds of pizza. Also, this morning he woke up and announced that he was a fish, "Bloop, bloop.". For a kid who ate only bread and pasta and had almost no imagination a year ago, we're doing pretty well.

Adventure Calls

2009-10-03T17:23:00.000-05:00

In the crush of parenthood, homeownership, working, and life in general I have gotten spotty at picking up the phone when adventure calls. Sometimes I know and just don't pick up, other times I let the machine get it and never call back. Still other times I have made sure I was out of reach or booked when I figured the call was going to come in. I almost missed it this time and that would have been a shame, because there would not have been another call of this type to take this year.

Today it was Lake Superior that was calling. She wanted me to come out and play in the surf. I know, I know, it is October and that sounds damn cold. I almost declined on those grounds, but then I did the quick math and realized I would likely go the entire year without surfing if I did not get out. Avoidant as I am, that just did not sit right. And it is not that cold yet. It is not like it is snowing or anything. So, I cautiously agreed to go out with my friend Alaina. She and I have been kayaking together since the mid 90's, and we are nicely matched in skills. She kicks my butt in alot of things, and occasionally I get to do the kicking. We also live about five blocks apart, so the set up would be easy. And we both have kid pressure so I knew she would be good for a similar time frame as me. And thus our little adventure was born (and came to fruition with a lot of help from Kevin). I whined a fair amount about it being cold, my being out of shape, and general anxiety over the surf, and she commiserated and yet got us out to do it. And out we went.

Surfing on Lake Superior has changed in the last 20 years. Back in the day it was all kayaks, and that was good. The craft move similarly and all paddlers are evenly matched. I know where a kayaker is going to go, and what to expect in general. Now a days the fashion is all surfboards. Surfboards! That is so silly, but it is true. I don't like this trend. They sit out on top of the best waves, and then barely catch them. They leave many waves wanting, but get freaked out when there is a kayaker in the line-up. I have not figured out how to navigate this well, so I sit far away from them and barely get any rides. I will figure it out eventually. The thing is, they move differently, and have a whole code of ethics that I am not up on. Again, I will figure it out eventually. I suspect they are here to stay. It was a big storm that brought on this surf so there were tons of them. 18, to be exact, sitting right where I wanted to be. Oh well. I wasn't up to speed today anyways due to it being my first day out on surf. That always freaks me out and keeps my super conservative, so I doubt I really missed anything anyways. Who knows, since I can't beat them maybe some day I will join them. When I need a new hobby. Ha!

Even with the anxiety, the driving rain, the 40 degree temperatures, and the surfers, it was marvelous. Lake Superior is breathtaking, and Stony Point is gorgeous. It is a spot where there is a large rock ledge, an old lava flow, that seeps into the lake and smooths out the bottom for some killer waves. The water is clear, as there are no creeks coming in nearby, and it is blue. Very blue. I am not sure how that works since all the rivers that flow into the lake are Tannin Brown, like root beer or tea, but Lake Superior is a gorgeous blue color. Especially at Stony Point where the rock is light grey. Grey, and today it was being pounded by huge blue waves that would hit the ledge and then spray a good 15 feet into the air. The sky was grey too, due to the rain coming sideways. But really, it was rather warm. Once I got into my wet suit bottoms, layers of fleece, dry top (think gor-tex with rubber gaskets at neck and wrists), spray skirt, bulky life jacket, head cover, helmet, and gloves, well by that time I was quite warm. And I did not feel the wind or the rain. Just the excitement of getting out on the lake.

Lake waves and surf are quite a different thing from waves on the river. On the river the waves stand mostly still and the water runs past. In the lake the waves are crashing past and the water is mostly still. And the waves are ever changing. The swell comes from far out, where is has built across the miles with wind action. It is uniform and not very big until the bulk of it begins to run into the shallowing bottom. Then the swell rises into a peak, and if it rises high enough the wall of the peak turns verticle and curls over to crash down on itself as momentum pushes it towards it's end on the shore. After the crash the wave is all whitewater, frothing and rolling on towards the beach. Surfers play on the wave face, kayakers play on the wave face and in the whitewater. As long as you keep your balance you can ride the wave and the whitewater; twisting, turning, spinning, and even backwards riding. It is very fun, and exhilirating. If you lose your balance you are dragged along upside down, while the wave tries to foil every attempt to roll. Sometimes if you roll you get slapped over by the next one, and sometimes the next one. It has been awhile since my balance was in question that way, but I still remember. And that balance can go when one is freaked out or tired. So I remember, and play it safe. Probably too safe today, I only got a few good rides in the hour we were out. But they were worth the trouble.

It feels so good to be finally floating after all the prep, scrambling and racing on the way out after pushing off shore. Next you power through the whitewater that's trying to push you back to the shore, line after line of whitewater. If the waves are too big then the whitewater or building waves can pushes you too far back, of flip you over entirely before you break out into the quiet zone where the water is deep. Then you get to turn around, assess the waves coming in, wave to a few surfers, confer with your paddling buddy, and wait for a good ride to catch. Always adjusting position for wave and wind action and the strength of butterflies in your stomach. There are always many false starts before the perfect situation is reached. Where the wave is just right, your position is just right, and your will and skill takes you onto the moving face for a ride, ride, ride. Oh it is glorious when it all comes together. And really, this opportunity, to surf Lake Superior and be a part of her power in a fun crazy way is one of the reasons I settled here.

I am glad adventure called today, and I will try to remember to pick up earlier next time.

An Almost Perfect Day

2009-09-19T21:25:00.003-05:00

"Following the leader, the leader, the leader, following the leader down the rapids!" When the going got tough, the tough got singing. I don't even remember why Alex was unhappy, but he started asking where the car was. This is not a good sign when it is a good two river hours away, with lots of rapids in between. But that little song turned it around. Suddenly he was happy to be out in our inflatable kayak, following three friends down a long and twisty rapids. Perhaps it was having to leave the rope swing behind that we had discovered, and the boys had tested, that got him grumpy. Jethro, at 11, had done an excellent job climbing the ladder up the bank and swinging out over the river. Alex got to the first rung and dragged his way in, twice. Which I thought was great for a little guy who is not even a graduated pollywog. And he did too. Jethro was not impressed. He went higher and higher, and probably would have stayed there all day, but we had to move on so we could get home sometime. The river was low, low, super low, so it took longer than usual. But it was stone gorgeous out. Hot and sunny in mid-September. The woods starting to turn to fire. I tried to get our friends with a cata-raft out with their two girls, plus more friends who boat whose son would have fit with Alex, but no luck. It was just our little crew of five people and four boats. No dog this time, maybe if Kevin had come along to wrangle and play. He had to get some work in before we go off to Pittsburgh next week, so I played it safe. Alex is doing great with the whitewater routine now. He does not even protest when I clip on his helmet, or stuff him is his wet suit. He prefers sitting on the bow of the boat, with feet in the water if I let him, and I have to get stern to have him sit near me for big water. But he sits, and then grins through the whole rapid. This year he has gotten to paddle with a mini-canoe paddle, next year we may need to upgrade. For entertainment today Anett rolled with his paddle, after making her boat go in a circle while she was upside down. They don't have a TV either... Anyways, between the rope swinging and the singing down rapids and the entertainment, it was another perfect day (except for the parent missing out). After the first verse that I made up Alex took it over and continued to sing down the river, inventing new phrases as we went. It was a golden moment. For a kid who didn't talk much a year ago, we sure have come a long way.

Glorious Fall

2009-09-18T15:59:00.000-05:00

It has been drop dead gorgeous up North. 75 degrees and sunny. My tomatoes are finally ripening and the apple tree is packed with Haralreds. I have been running up on Hawk Ridge regularly, which is up behind our house. I can leave the house and with a little three block warm up be into a trail through the woods that connects to the Superior Hiking Trial. Eventually you will be able to get from my house to Canada on foot. For now I just go about 3km and am very happy winding through the pines and oaks, past the raspberries and thimble berries. On the ridge our family has seen chipmunks galore, multiple cheeky squirrels, a zillion lbb's (little brown birds), deer a-plenty, hawks, eagles, owls, and even two black bears. It is a magic place. Usually I run up with the dog. It used to be our old dog, and I have named my favorite height Lucky Peak after her. Jack has not earned a landmark yet, but that will come. I find running clears my head, gets my blood going, and makes my days better. I have been at it consistently for three years now and would recommend it to anyone with good joints.

So, we are now at the end of week two of school for Alex. It has been a long road, with many twists and turns to get here. Today he was observed by the Autism specialist, Sheila Merzer, that the school hired for better programming for Alex. We are going to the annual Harvest Fest tonight for North Shore Community School, so I hope to hear more about the day. We get a communication notebook home every day, and so far it has all been good news. Alex is happy in his class, and is fully integrated. He has not needed to be pulled out once due to meltdown or upset. He does have a full time aide that he shares with another boy, and I don't know yet how much assistance he has been needing. I will be checking on that shortly. So far it has been time to get used to the routine and slot in as much as possible. The Autism specialist is one of the best in the business, and she will have spotted all the places where it looks like Alex is understanding, but he really isn't. That is the tricky thing about Autism with Alex. He learns patterns and how things work in one way, but cannot easily transfer that knowledge. So we are always trying to vary things and figure out where the knowledge gaps are. We are going out of state early next week, so this is the last day of school for Alex for a week. I hope to write a bit more once I hear how things have gone this week. Overall, from our end, he comes home happy and tired. He sits with the same little friend on the way to school, Lussi, and plays with her at school too. He also talks about his new friends Issac and Beourn. Plus he has started reciting some of the school routines at home, like holding up one finger for quiet, two for stand up, and three for go quietly to the door. Oh, the bus is here, gotta run!

Summer Review

2009-09-16T10:20:00.001-05:00

Well, I do not know why these photos are so small, must be the formatting and will try to fix it in time. It has been an excellent summer for camping and outdoor adventures. We finally got ourselves a used Grumman canoe to go with the 14 kayaks, and that really upped our camping. Also I pitched a little fit last year when I realized we had not camped AT ALL, and swore this year would be different.

Jack and Alex both did great in the new canoe- The William B. Our only trouble was when Kevin was casting from the stern. I was pretty sure there would be major chaos if he landed a fish. Luckily this did not happen.

Our first real camping trip was up to Indian Lakes Campground at Brimson. I found the perfect North Shore camping guide by Andrew Slade and we just got amped and started going whenever time and weather permitted. The first trip was early June.

Jack turned out to be an excellent camping companion. He even figured out how to open the tent on his own when he needed out in the middle of the night.

Mid July the Carlton Kayak Races came along again. This was our 13th year of putting on the St. Louis River Whitewater Rendezvous. Always a marvelous time. Yes, that's me going down the top drop on the Slalom. Whee!

Alex's best friend Fraya was in the horse show at our little county fair, so we went to cheer her on. Alex loved the animal barns this year (previous years he has refused to go in...too loud) and he is getting a taste for rides as well. It is not summer in the Mid-west without them!

Our biggest camping trip was a three day to the Boundary Waters Canoe Area. On the first night, when we camped in campground on Sawbill Lake, Alex met this big bug. He thought it was very cool. On the second night we had some bedtime tears (which never ever happens in our house- we are very fortunate in his sleep habits). I am not sure if it was because we were out for a second night, or because we were away from the car (at Alton Lake on portage in to the BWCA), or just because he was extra tired. That was our only autism bump in the road. Otherwise the usual kid whining occured at times, fixed by strategic snacks and distractions.

Finally in late August and early September the weather was warm enough for more expeditions in our new inflateable kayak. We now know Alex can fit in it with an adult, and a dog or second little kid. It is a bit of extra work to add the dog or another kid, but well worth it. We started with short trips, then added long trips with snacks on board, and finally cut the snacks to only at rest breaks. He is taking the whitewater like a champ, and has now been on board for class II+ and III-. Yeah, it has been a good summer!

Hello Again

2009-09-08T10:48:00.001-05:00

Well well, it has been quite awhile. Summer goes so fast up here, I can't believe it is already September. As I put Alex on the bus, however, for the first day of Kindergarten, the reality of fall was apparent. It has arrived, wrapped in a summer package. It is 70 and sunny today, time to tend the garden and get a little more sun before the rains set in. This summer was a bit lacking in the good weather department, until this last week. Now it is gorgeous, and all the trees are coloring early to celebrate. I am not sure where to start, or go, with this post, so will ramble for just a bit, then see if I can get some pictures up.

It may not seem it, but I am ecstatic about Alex starting school. I wish I could go to his school, and I hope my wishes will line up with his experience. His school really wants him, and that is great, coming from a system that often treated him more as a burden. Again, from my perspective, and not the individuals that taught him, but the overall system. A few key comments like, "No no, you wont want him in a regular classroom" just before we mainstreamed him in a private preschool, and later from another staffer, "Gee, sounds like he's doing great in regular preschool, but I am sure the best place for him will be back in a special ed classroom next year.", shows that the Duluth school system has one plan and one plan only for a kid on the Autism spectrum. Also, I was recently told by a district insider that, "We are required to graduate our special ed kids (from high school) with an eighth grade education.", and "We shoot for adequate education, no more." Wow. So glad we found the charter school, and that is it's own district, with it's own goals. If all goes well the need for services will drop off as Alex learns and grows, as he integrates into this system that seeks to teach all it's kids strong social skills, as well as the academics. In fact, their hand book says, "We believe that social learning is as important as academics.", which is so true! Where is a kid who graduates from school but can't make friends or work with people? That kid is living in his parents basement forevermore. And what about a kid with no self control? Of course all of this must also be taught and modeled at home, but how perfect to have it as a basis for learning at school too, rather than an after thought. I swear there are still many schools where the principles of The Lord of the Flies still rule.

With that thought, I am off to enjoy the day before I must be off to work for the evening. I have morphed into a new schedule at work, where I will work mostly days, with a few evenings here and there. That way we can have a semi-normal schedule with work during the day, family time in the evening and weekends. And I will try to fit in more blog time too. Cheers!

The Perfect Day

2009-07-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

Whitewater. My addiction. Or perhaps passion, since addiction con notates a continuing indulgence. And while my recent outings (in the last 6 years) have not been as frequent, they have been memorable. Last summers five day paddling trip to Wausau was excellent, for example. I was on my own, like the old days. I got to teach a little and train a lot. I visited many family members and friends. I introduced a great young man to the sport. And I reacquainted myself with my slalom boat on big water. I even won some money, which I spent on gas and extra Whitewater T-shirts and sweats for my boys. Our local slalom was also a blast last year, with hot competition among the "senior" women (maybe they could call us Cougarettes) and good runs for Kevin. We traded keeping Alex on dry land. And there have been various days on creeks in the spring, several good surf days out on the big lake, and play sessions with friends down in Taylors falls. Yes, great and memorable days, but not like this one.

Today was perfect. I wish I had a camera along, but will have to resort to 1,000 words instead. Picture blue and breezy skies, warm water, and bug free woods. Deep woods, cut through by sparkling whitewater. And into this scene came a group of seven. A nice number for a long leisurely paddle down 4.5 miles of whitewater. The group could form and reform, making variations, stopping to play and visit, and keeping it lively. No one was in a rush. There were two families of three, and a spare. Four parents, two kids, and an experienced local boater out for his first cruise of the year. Alex won the prize for youngest, at five. Jethro got the nod for bravest, at eleven and in his own boat. Mama Beth was second bravest, alone in an inflatable with the five year old. Kevin paddled shotgun in his play boat, and actually did not need to stay real close. It was happy and mellow paddling in the SS Kinney. No threat of falling out, except when a tired boy threatened to throw himself overboard at the end. But more on that later.

This little trip was a gamble. How does your average five year old deal with going down a long whitewater river for the first time? Well, no one actually knows as so few have done it. His last trip had been approximately eight minutes, he did great then he was done. He wanted out, and that was it. No second run. No way. This was going to be a wee bit longer, by about four hours. But the advantage was that no one would be on shore, daddy would be in a boat too, the car would be out of sight, and actually everything he was familiar with was out of sight. No roads, no paths, no trails. Just the river. And me with a dry bag full of treats. This was a good strategy.

And he liked the rapids. After the first experience of getting wet at the front he decided to sit closer to me, and that was just fine. He got nervous and started shouting, "Whoa, Whooaa, Whoooaaaa!" as we went down wave trains, but was soon wanting to go down more, or paddle back up to go down again. He had his little canoe paddle in the front, I had my kayak paddle in the back. He would sometimes get to swinging it about, or tossing it overboard, in which case it would take a rest behind me. The treat bag was useful for long pools between rapids, except the time he ate a granola bar way to slow and I had to go down stream trying to avoid all splashes so it would stay dry in his hand. It worked. The Louie is a nice progressive river so the rapids and waves kept getting bigger. By the last few he was grinning ear to ear in the drops.

He also liked the setting in general. At the start there was a nice little drop to play in, so he and the other boy got out on the rocks and had their own fun. Floating in a 1 1/2 foot "pool" that was 5 feet across with a little jet of water through the middle, scrambling on rocks, looking at various wildlife. At the half way point we all stopped at a canyon and climbed up to a rocky overlook to bask in the sun and have more treats. And at the end he was tired of sitting in the boat, so he draped himself across the bow, dragging arms and legs in the water. We didn't move very fast, but it was fun. He was rather cranky at that point and kept saying, "If I fall in, if I fall in!", and I kept assuring him, "I'll drag you out". But he really did want to go in so we worked together to almost lower him all the way into the water, but then he would get unsure so I would drag him back in. It was a very good time. And he bonded with Jethro too. Jethro was giving him tips on how to paddle, and initiated a few splash fights. Alex was shouting for Jethro to come over to our boat by the end of the trip.

I would be lying if I said there weren't a few tears here and there, mostly due to being wet and staying wet in clothing. And also getting used to paddling gear. Plus some blinding sun, and generally a new environment. Next time we will have better gear, sun glasses with floaties, and more treats. Over all, however, it was a stellar day. I am happy, and satisfied, and ready to go again when we get the chance. Kevin swears he will paddle Alex next time, and bring the dog too. For that I will surely find a way to keep the camera dry. As for this first trip, the acid test was when we got to the dock four and a half hours after our start, and Alex asked, "Why are we done???".

The SS Kinney

2009-06-16T08:56:00.000-05:00

Last month we went to a slalom race and picked up our new boat. Alex raced in it (with me), finished, and placed. With a ribbon and all. What a riot. I never thought I'd own an inflatable kayak, but I also never knew how wonderful kids are.

Here is his first taste of whitewater. In a hard shell K-2 with his buddy Carver stuffed behind him, and Carvers daddy Kent in the back. There are no photos of the race run that we know of, everyone else was racing too! But we sure had fun.

You Can't Win for Losing

2009-06-16T08:12:00.001-05:00

On the way to pre-school we stopped at the bank. When we came out the boarder collie was sitting in the back seat eating Alex's peanut butter sandwich. Jack had unzipped the backpack, opened the lunch sack, taken the bag of chips and put it on the seat, fished out the sandwich, unwrapped it, ate the first half, and was starting on the second. He looked both ashamed and proud when busted. It was too far to go home and we were going to be late, so we stopped at the nearest store to get a loaf of bread and new peanut butter. I took the backpack with us. At pre-school the story was told, a new sandwich made, and chuckles all around. They eat outside in summer, so Jack came to visit, kept on a leash from all the little lunches. Jack and I then went to the next stop, the grocery store for real. I now had a dilema, as there was no secure place in the Subaru for a loaf of bread and a new jar of peanut butter. I could have tied Jack to his seat, but I didn't want to do that. Taking the items into the store would have been too much to explain. So I stuck them on the roof. Went in and did a pretty good shopping trip. When I came out I noticed my goofy loaf of bread on top of my car, and Jacks face in the window. As I got closer I saw that the bag was opened, from the top. I looked at Jack, knowing he is smart and talented, but not that smart and talented. I looked around again, and then realized the local culprit who would rip open a bag from above. Yes, Duluth has seagulls. I laughed all the way home.

Spring

2009-05-13T14:34:00.000-05:00

Hmm, my next post was written today, but is dated March. Opps and oh well, but want to register that it was written in MAY. I swear! Also, thinking about opening the blog to a wider audience for fun and motivation. Any thoughts???

Spring, catch it while it lasts!

2009-03-30T13:07:00.001-05:00

Well, here it is, May. May? May. In Duluth these things can creep up on you. In some ways it feels like it has not been Spring at all. Winter seemed to hang in forever, and then we didn't get Spring, just mud. I have not gotten out to play, and instead have let many things consume me, such as Autism, work, deaths, business, home, and Alex's future.

The worst thing, perhaps, has been the decision of where to send Alex for school. So many options floated around. Local school, or "special" school, half day or full day, school district or charter, regular curriculum or "basics" curriculum. The school district has it's ideas, which seem to be all kids with autism need the same level of support. Meaning a mostly separate classroom, with some inclusion, maybe. We had clarified that since mainstreaming in preschool was going very well we did NOT want that option. "Awwh, really?" was the response, even after a long clarification of the benefits of mainstreaming and the stellar progress Alex has made this year. The icing on the cake was hearing second hand that my IEP manager thought that I simply did not want my son labeled. Good thing my philosophy is that success is the best revenge, otherwise my spring may have been filled with psychotic retaliation. Into this morass enter a serendipitous trip to beauty salon. No really, it's true, I got a hot tip on the best elementary school ever from the wonderful woman that cuts my hair. The North Shore Elementary School is north of Duluth by 6 miles. It is in the woods. It has 40 acres, that include trails, ponds, skating rinks (2), gardens, and a straw-bale greenhouse. It is Environmental Education based (my first college degree), they have Outside time (beyond recess) every day, they are sponsored by the Wolf Ridge Environmental center of Northern Minnesota, they will not be closing, moving, or remodeling like ALL of Duluth's schools, their staff will not be shuffled around like cards (again like all of Duluth schools), and best of all, their principal is PUMPED to have Alex in the school. She has worked with many autistic kids in her previous job and she said the magic words, "You and Kevin know your son best and we want your complete input in all aspects of teaching him." Including requirements for his aide, and any and all necessary accommodations. Hallelujah. We did not jump immediately, but as I considered more and more how frustrated we have been for the last three years with the Duluth school district I knew it was likely we would go. We searched our personal network for information on the new school and heard 95% glowing reports. The other 5% we can deal with. I could go on and on, but will stop here. Needless to say, we jumped. We jumped from the giant ship of Duluth, to the tiny sailboat of NSCS. It is it's own charter school, and is run by it's teachers. Oh, we are so ready. This past year at a private preschool has been delightful and Alex continues to grow in so many ways. He is charming these days, and we are having so much fun with games and language and explorations. We can hardly wait to see what next year will bring.

So, things are looking up. Yes, there will be a lot of work yet to get Alex's new education plan on track, but it is all very exciting. Plus it is full on Spring now, green grass, leaves popping, blue skies, the works. I am off to a slalom kayak race this weekend and will pick up the greatest family toy... an inflaitable kayak so that we can take Alex on many a river adventure. And non-boating friends too. I competed in my first 5 km of the season last weekend and didn't die or anything. Mother's Day was a blast. And we are getting our camping plan together for the summer. And the garden plan too. Warm weather may be in short supply up North, but we use it to it's full advantage. Yes, things are looking up, and I may even blog more than once every two months too.

Why I Love my job/ Why I Hate my job

2009-03-30T13:04:00.000-05:00

I have just gotten off my seven day stretch at work. I work on a locked behavioral health hospital unit for children and teens. These thoughts were rolling around in my head as I ran through the woods on a much needed workout.

I love my job because I am active. I could never sit in one spot all day, I would go nuts for sure. I learn something new every day; about my kids, myself, mental illness, living fully, or the realities of life. I am privy to extremely confidential information and try very hard to keep that trust. I am challenged every day to keep positive, keep learning, keep hope, and keep giving...without being sucked dry. I work with some of the most amazing people on the planet. All of our kids are brave and scared and tough and have huge problems, but also amazing strengths.

I hate my job because I see a slice of life that can be very depressing. There are many wars going on and my unit is on the front lines of all of them. The war on drugs, the war on alcohol abuse, the war on sexual abuse, the war on hopelessness, the war on wasted potential, the war on ignorance, the war on untreated and misunderstood mental illness, the war on criminal activity, the war on selfishness, the war on prejudice. I am sure there is more but that is what pops to mind. And in all these wars there are victims, and they come through our doors. Their stories are often terribly sad, and their behaviors can be quite disturbing. What they have come through they take on themselves. Seven year old perps, eleven year old criminals, and teenagers who will spend their entire lives in and out of hospitals and institution. One gets tired of being lied to, shut out, ignored, needled, degraded, yelled at, spit at, kicked, and attacked. Especially when the staff really just wants to help.

Why do I keep coming back?? Well, after getting past the nasty behaviors and disturbing stories, you find the kids. They are real. They are multi-dimensional. And they are not hopeless. They respond amazingly to respect, consistencey, education, caring, and safety. I find, in every single kid that comes through, something that I can like, admire, relate to, or understand. They can be fun and funny, sweet and creative, deep and inspiring. They all have families, and friends, and people rooting for them. Some we even help while they stay with us, and that is enormously satisfying. Others we just hope and pray that the seeds we plant will take root some day.

I am sure there are more reasons I love and hate my job, let's just say it is an education of the most interesting kind.

Welcome to Planet Jellybean

2009-03-03T20:30:00.001-06:00

First off I have to say that Planet Jellybean is a cozy place. It is comfortable and familiar. It is populated by beloved characters and much happiness. It is where Alex spends a fair amount of time, and Kevin and I get to visit often. On Planet Jellybean the street signs are friendly and many ordinary things in our world take on great importance. The inhabitants of Planet Jellybean change over time, and that is part of it's charm. We read a story about it's most famous inhabitants just before bedtime tonight. Wall-E is a very nice robot trash compactor, and if you have not seen his movie you must. We read his book and Alex vibrated with excitement and was again thrilled with the story end. We have Wall-E toys, a Wall-E book, and the movie. We have learned that we cannot watch favorite movies endlessly, so they are limited to about once a month. This month we will visit the DVD on March 17, a very important day as it is a national holiday, and also Grandma Wahly's birthday.

If we watch a particular movie too much we get into trouble, which leads me to the second most popular set of celebrities currently on the planet. Alex has a new set of friends that includes a lion, a zebra, a hippo, some penguins, and a best friend, a giraffe named Melman. A hypochondriac giraffe, at that. He talks about Melman, he talks to Melman, and currently has 3/4 of Melman's dialog in Madagascar memorized. Yes, we have watched it too often in this cabin fever time of winter. I think both Kevin and I showed it on the sly to the boy, for some extra exciting time (or to get him to tolerate a haircut) and now we are paying for it. I will take it as a compliment that Alex called to me today, saying, "Melman. Melman!!" I said, "I am not Melman!". He replied, "Melman Mama, come here!!!".

We drive a lot on Planet Jelly Bean. Alex sits in the back and makes his fists into a steering wheel, and gives me a running commentary on driving. It is so pleasant to hear, because we learned last year that early on, when a child with autism is silent, it is not because they are thinking deep thoughts. It is because they have no thoughts at all, that they are not 'saying' anything inside their own head. First children have to talk out their thoughts, then they internalize that voice later on. Well, we are talking out now, and that is just fine. We talk about driving, we talk about the street signs, we talk about what has happened, and we talk a little bit about what is going to happen. Talk of the past is a very recent thing, and I am grateful for it. In my younger days I was all about living in the moment, being fully present in the present, and damn the past and future. This is still all zen and good, but. But if all you have is the present... you are quite limited. Anyone seen 50 First Dates? I have read other accounts of people with no memory and no planning ability and it is not cute, it is scary. We are building that frame work for Alex right now. He is just getting how the past works, and how to talk about the past. We started learning in a consistent way with street signs. Consistent, predictable, and repeatable. Especially in our neighborhood and on common routes. It is coming along. As for the future (tense that is), well it remains quite anxiety provoking. I suspect it is a vast ocean for our Jelly Bean inhabitant, so we need to start building some boats and sailing them. But for now we are just looking out from shore.

So, what else is happening on Planet Jelly Bean? Well, all the street signs are familiar, and Alex gets to drive well before his next eleven birthdays go by. There are many trains, and many more railroad crossing signs, all with bells, lights, and gates. Every body of water has a Lift Bridge. The foods are all carbs and mostly crunchy, the drinks are milk or apple jucie. No dreaded "Just water". Jack puppy and Lucky dog play all day, and Alex can drag Beeswax around any which way without getting into trouble. There are ball pits, gym mats, and zip lines galore. All the ski hills have Magic Carpets, and he never has to turn. Tricycles are everywhere and the sidewalks are all flat. There are zero entry warm pools in every neighborhood, and the exciting fountains and water mushrooms are a safe distance away. Books abound and he never has to take his favorites back to the library. He gets to go to friends houses to play every day, but can go home anytime. There is a birthday party every week for someone. It's not such a bad place, this planet. I will be sure to give you updates from time to time. We certainly spend enough time there.

PS Kevin came up with the name... of course.

Winter Family Report

2009-02-04T11:42:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it has been awhile since I have posted. It is not for lack of desire to connect with friends and family, but rather the old organization challenge. It has been an excellent winter in many respects so I will outline some of the fun being had in no particular order (because then I would have to remember the order).
With Alex there has been

Sledding galore
Downhill skiing
"Hiking" with Jack (half being pulled on the sled)
Tobogganing
Winter parties with snow fun and bonfires

With Kevin there has been

A fancy Scottish dinner (Robert Burns turns 250)
Various Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon highjinx

Family wise there has been

A trip to Family Camp way up North
More "hiking" with Jack
More downhill skiing
Watching the Inaguration on line- and promising Alex we will take him to the White House when he is 8

And on my own there has been

Running on frozen rivers with Jack
Skiing the trails with friends, including by moonlight
Jumping through a hole in the ice after a nice long sauna, three times, at night by lantern light (at a balmy 10 degrees F)

All this in addition to getting through several days of minus 30 degrees F where school was cancelled, keeping up house and home, work, preschool, business, therapies, and volunteering at Peace church. Yikes, no wonder it seems like it has been a long winter. And in all this there has been the great joy of hearing "President Obama" as a statement of fact not conjecture. Sure, there has been quite a bit of dark and depressing news, but there is also great hope.

Alex had his assessment back on December 31, and we had the great pleasure of having it confirmed that we are doing the right things with him. We didn't get any new labels, but the psychiatrist did feel that he is on his way to being fully mainstreamed. She will be attending his preschool in April and write her report to support a schooling path that will be most beneficial to him. We are not exactly sure what that will be right now, but as the year progresses it will become clearer. Unfortunately the school district has not been great at helping him fulfill his greated potential. The schools are more focused on smooth sailing for the schools, but I guess that will keep Kevin and I employed fully as parents. Alex is definitely wanting to interact with his peers now, but still cannot communicate at his age level. We are going to move up a level at the Scottish Rite Language Clinic, from his interacting with the therapist and me or Kevin, to having another kid in the sessions. We have recruited his dear friend Fraya and these sessions start this week. It should be interesting.

Kevin has been working extremely hard at the business. He has had orders coming out his ears and has been dealing with a back log since a few weeks before Christmas. People held off from ordering in November and early December, then noticed they were cold or needed new gear. He is close to caught up now, and that is a good feeling.

So, that it is for now. I will try to post more,and more frequently, but must admit that Face book has eaten into my computer time a bit. Ahh technology... once again working to find the balance. Good luck to all with enjoyment of the end of winter. Only six more weeks, sez Puxatuney Phil, and we will be on to spring!

Snow, Glorious Snow

2009-01-05T21:29:00.000-06:00

Happy 2009! For winter lovers the new year is certainly off to a good start. For winter haters... there is always tanning. I have finally gotten out and LOVE IT. Went sledding a few days ago with my dear friends Kerisa and Anna and we had a blast with Alex and Jack. Jack is an excellent sledding dog. He runs and frolics but does not nip or bark. He even took the sled part way back up the hill one time. Not happy, but he did it. It kept bumping his butt. Alex was a bit more hesitant but had some great moments. They included several tandem rides with all adults, and even a solo or two. I think there is a serious future in it for him. The only loser was our sled. It cracked into five pieces by the end of the venture, so now the search begins. Mid winter sled hunting... better than looking for the Titanic. Today Kerisa got me out on my first cross country ski of the year. I can't believe I waited this long. And whined as much as I did about how I should clean/organize/declutter/whatever, before I said, "Oh what the hell, Alex is at school, I better go." It was fantastic. The temps in the 20's. The trail perfect (now that the groomer is fixed). The woods gorgeous. And wonderful company. Look out, I shall never blog again. Every spare moment will be on that lovely Lester Park Trail at the end of the neighborhood, or possibly going up the river on skis with the dog bounding behind. Happy Snow Year!!

A Blast From the Past

2008-12-29T22:24:00.001-06:00

Wow. This image is courtesy of my dear friend Rob, who went to massage therapy school with me in Boulder. We were part of a tight circle of friends (that came to include this guy named Kevin), we went on many outdoor adventures together (Boulder Canyon, Nederland, Moab...to name a few), Rob and Kevin began to paddle together the summer I left for Duluth, and Rob visited Duluth several times before moving up for about half a decade. He is now in Maine, but sent some old photos of Lucky. This one was taken in 1996, a few months after I found her. I had left my junky rental in town(that would not take dogs) for a junky rental up the North Shore (that would). It smelled of mold, and was probably falling apart, but it had a fenced in yard, was right across Old 61 from Lake Superior, and my roommate worked in the Cities (i.e. only home on weekends). It was heavan. I only stayed there a few months before my roomate gave up the lease, but it was perfect for the time. My last almost single home. Kevin moved to Duluth that January (yes, I advised him to pick a time with better weather). I believe his visit to this little abode, with these fuzzy creatures, for a gorgeous Fall weekend, sealed the deal that was struck in Boulder. Thank you Rob, for this cool little time travelling trip.

Our Best Present

2008-12-22T12:12:00.000-06:00

We just secured the best Christmas present we could have asked for. Alex is going to get to play with (and be assessed by) "The Autism Whisperer". She is a wonderful therapist out of the Cities who has been working with kids with all forms of autism since the 70's. She is called in by agencies all over Minnesota when they need a refined diagnosis and accurate read on tough cases. Alex may not be a tough case, but the more specific information we can get the better. Also, the information about autism out in the world is overwhelming and often conflicting. It is terrifying to be experimenting with your child's life, and even though we feel we have had some miraculous guidance so far we are far from confident that we are doing all that we can. Just once I am hoping we will have some definitive information. Our assessment is December 31 in the Cities, it is slated to be fully covered by insurance, and the next day our insurance will change to a provider this therapist cannot accept. Yikes. Methinks the angels are with us. Happy Holidays to you!!!

Winter Arrives

2008-12-14T21:06:00.000-06:00

The Storm
It is winter in a big way now. Today it came to the door with champagne and flowers. We are in the midst of our first snow storm of the season. As we were driving away from church this morning, on our way to coffee and a close view of the lake, the boom lowered and we went from Christmas tunes to the sound track of the Titanic. Skies turned black, visibility dropped to about two feet, and four wheel drive did not mean four wheel stop. If you have never been to Duluth you may not realize that it is also known as "Little San Francisco" for its steep hills. This makes for tricky navigating, worse downhill than up. Well, we were going down, and a mere stop light holds no sway over gravity. I kind of like this kamikaze driving, but Kevin does not. Especially when other cars on the road have less grip and less sense. Since the whole family was out we decided to head it home, as we could not actually see the 14 foot waves out on Lake Superior. Too much driving snow and gale force wind. Other than sliding through a few intersections and some sideways slippage it was uneventful once we got out of the wind tunnel of downtown. By 3pm school had been canceled for tomorrow, and the buses were no longer running. The whole town looked like one of those bad head cold commercials, the ones where people shoulder into the white wind in their flapping winter coats. Alex and I spent the afternoon down at Sam and Fraya's house, having our annual Christmas party. Opening presents, baking cookies, and generaly being very silly. Only nine blocks away, we Subarued down, and made it home tonight just fine. The storm warnings go until tomorrow at noon, and it will be interesting to see exactly how deep the snow gets. I think the official report will be around a foot. For the first storm of the season it is not too bad.

Winter Magic
Before the storm we had a nice warm up for the season. It has been steadily getting colder since November, and dustings of snow have come now and again. It is a relief when the blanket of snow actually arrives because it brightens up the world immensely. Those without winter may not believe me but it is true. There is nothing darker than a snowless November, where all light is sucked in by miles of bare trees, acres of dead grasses and brush, and endless grey skies. Once snow arrives the lights are turned back on, and the earth sighs with relief that the rooted plants and little animals with be safe from the brutal cold. So, the lights being back on, that is magic trick number one. Number two is a most beautiful sound in the world. With snow and cold comes quiet. In deep cold comes deep quiet. You notice the squeak of snow under foot. Your breath becomes alive. And you can almost hear your nose hairs crackle as they freeze when you breathe sharply in. In this weather the rivers freeze completely over, but they are still alive. I love to hike on or near frozen rivers, especially the little wild ones around here. In the middle of town you can drop into a canyon and be alone in the world, you, the woods, and the river. That in itself is breath taking, but then to hear the gurgle of water under ice... pure magic. I could listen all day. I don't know what it is about it, but it is an amazing music I never tire of. The silence, your breath, the movement of almost frozen water under ice. Words do not do it justice. And this brings us to the third magic moment of winter for me so far. The feather bed. Not the feather quilt, that has been on since October. No, the super thick quilt that goes under you and under the bottom sheet and radiates warmth up in a way no other bedding can. Ahhhhhhh. For days are short, nights are long, and we should all really be hibernating in our feather caves. Good night!

Meet Jack

2008-12-14T20:55:00.000-06:00

Here he is, our bouncing baby Border Collie. He is truly a sweet dog. Jack Flash Kinney (JFK for short) is the newest member of our family, and slotting in well. Loves winter. Adores running. Happily entertained by anything that bounces, is furry, or can be thrown. And our squirrels fit all three categories. Has not caught one yet, but got a mouth full of tail fur last week. A very good boy, he comes when he is called and is catching on to house rules. Alex has taken to leaning on him in the last few days, and pulling his fur, and even threw a soccer ball on his head. Jack has taken it all in stride and knows that he is not allowed to eat the child. Stop by when you can, he would love to play.

2007/2008

2008-12-10T12:51:00.000-06:00

Okay okay, I'm blogging again! I have started to be harassed on this blog (see previous post comments) and also my Face book account, so it is time. My public is waiting (ha ha), my friends and family need more ways to fritter away their time. Just got back from a run with the new pup, and that always clears my head very well. Lord knows it is pretty cob-webby up there. I got to thinking about why I was not blogging. It has been over a month since my last tiny post, and before that my tributes to Lucky held sway. Part of me is just not ready to move on. Lucky was my first real Grown Up dog. She was there shortly after I moved to Duluth, already in love with Kevin, and unsure where our future would take us. I was still technically single, and she was there through engagement, marriage, and settling down. She was my, and our, adventure dog. Getting us out into the Northwoods, keeping us on the trails. She was our reluctant house dog too. And a darn good one. But now we have another dog and a new chapter is beginning. Before that really gets rolling I need to review some more.

2007 sucked. Plain and simple. It was the trifecta of Infertility, Autism, and Injury. It was so bad that I think I may have some PTSD from the whole deal. Of course we got through everything, found the light at the end of the tunnel, and even the joy along the way, but overall I would not wish such a year on anyone. 2008 was not so bad. Progress was made in all areas, even if it was sometimes only acceptance and redirection of thinking. I had a complete and total recovery of my shoulder and even won a few medals at an awesome kayak week in Wausau. Alex continues to amaze us and we love him more than words can say. Business is still tooting along, if we have made it this far we are likely to do fine. And as for the expanding family, well, we decided to get a puppy. I turned 40, and that threw me for a surprising loop. Still not so sure about that one but really, what can you do?? Have gotten into some nice healthy habits, and have not been dead last in a running race since '07. And we even bought ski passes for this year so am bound to get out on the slopes, something I have not done regularly since my ski bum days back in '92. But Lucky died and that has been terrible, and sad, and heart breaking. She was a one in a million dog, at least for us. She was so deep in our family we would have sent her to college if we could. And the loss of her magnified all other losses, recent and past. Plus it came at the darkening of the year. When the cold creeps into unaccustomed bones, before one concedes the battle and pulls out ALL the wool and fleece and long underwear, and even boots. One cannot stay warm just by putting on a coat, as in summer and fall. It takes extra measures, and before they are in place the pain of cold can be intense. Plus we had a new dog. A dog I was not ready for. He was supposed to perk Lucky up. She was supposed to teach him the ropes. Instead we were deep in grief, he arrived three days after we put her down. A pup who could not be her. And who had many needs. And who did not know not to pee on the carpet. Or to ask to go out. Or how to come when called. Or to stay in the yard. New dogs are much more work than old dogs, and the future is not certain. You do not know if they can learn all the important things. You do not know if they will bite your child in the face, or not. And they do not love you exactly like your old dog did. But through the darkness there was a spark of hope, a flame of desire, a fire for a good life to continue.

I do an excellent job of compartmentalizing my life. Around Jack I have been a good doggie mom. Around Alex I have done all the care taking and games and therapies, and fun stuff. At work I have been my usual focused self. Where I have fallen down Kevin has picked me up. A few dear souls have heard pieces of my whining. And in the quiet times I have been working on integrating it all. The holidays have me reminiscing, sifting out the bad, lifting up the good, laughing at the laughable. I have sent out the cards from 2007 that didn't make it and sat in their envelops all year...that was about half. I have yet to put together a 2008 card, it may need to wait into the new year. Business is actually rocking right now, so the tanking economy is not taking us down on this round. Work has been wild, but that is okay. Jack is turning out just fine. Maybe even more than fine.

So, perhaps the cob-webs are now out. I promise to get out more posts, take more pictures, and keep the connections going. Maybe next I will ramble about cutting down on coffee, chatter about the up sides of the down economy, or just natter on about the new pup and wonderful snow. We shall see...

Obama Mama

2008-11-06T13:50:00.000-06:00

Well, in these dark days of fall, with upcoming snow, freezing cold, and endless nights, at least we have January 20th to look forward to. As a once-upon-a-time world traveler, I feel that my country has finally redeemed itself. Instead of starting another war for oil or military maneuver to protect our international corporate interests, instead being a bastion of isolation and ignoring the planet, we have finally made a bold and bright statement. We have elected an intelligent, well traveled, globally inclined president. A man who puts it all out there, and does NOT say My-way-or-the-highway, but rather, "It is time to work together to be greater than our parts.". A time of hope. A time of brilliance.

And now that we are bound to have some color in the White House, perhaps next this nation will be ready for a female in charge. Hey, I can dream....

12 years is a Long Time

2008-10-22T13:34:00.000-05:00

Already the heartbreak is fading, and that feels like a betrayal. But the celebration continues. My mom sent me Dog Heaven, which is a beautiful book. More tears there, of course, on the first read. A few more reads on and I have read it and smiled. Empty, but smiling. Right or wrong, she is now writ large in the stars.

Here are a couple more fun photos.

More on that Good Old Hound

2008-10-19T19:54:00.000-05:00

I don't have photos from before Alex on my computer, but from the beginning of that time I have many. So I picked out a few favorites to highlight our family transition. This is Lucky just after Alex was born in 2003, we had had her for seven years and she was 8 or 9 years old. Always a good girl, and always game, she went with the flow. She is pictured with the monster squash we harvested that September. We were all afraid it might eat someone, but it made wonderful soup.

Here Lucky is contemplating this new addition. It didn't throw sticks, but had interesting smells.

She decided, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

"Besides, my parents sure are having fun with him. "

"I might as well have fun too..."

And then Lucky inspired Beeswax to get in on the fun...

That may have been part of an evil plot.

But no, Lucky loved her Beeswax, and didn't want him to miss anything.

I can't really believe that she was already at least seven by the time Alex came along. I always saw her as such a puppy. Wagging, happy, wanting to go for a run in the woods. Chasing chipmunks in the garage (she even caught one once), barking at strangers, hiding from deer. She was stood down by a baby dove one day. She was really a softie, but she was very proud that she was mistaken for a Rottweiller once. Well, okay she had some help with that one. She was on my bed back in '97, she never left it when I was not home at the rental, and my roommate Jay had a friend over. He was walking by my dark room and heard the dog growling as she defended my futon. It was dark in my room and light in the hall, and Jay was winding him up. The poor guy thought he was going to get eaten. Of course she never left the bed, and he never saw how short her legs were. Ah, the golden moments of her life. She also caught a pigeon once, but I think it ran into something before she grabbed it. She had such a soft mouth that she did not crush it, but I did have to pry her jaws open to get her to drop it. She was great in a canoe, after her first trip. Once she realized that escape was not an option, and dang those Boundary Waters lakes are cold. After one dive and swim near a portage she let us lift her into the boat without protest forevermore. In fact she evetually self loaded, enjoyed her trips, and had one memorable night at a camp site with a whole troop of mice. It was an island and she ran after those little critters to her hearts content. Never caught one. Other highlights included a stint as a sled dog, and a few skijouring tours. She chased a kayak into Superior bay once, but never did like the surf. In fact she never liked to swim and would not go deeper than her chest if she could avoid it. And that was only about four inches deep. But snow, she loved it. She'd go into a four foot drift, no problem. Only occasionally had to get rescued. Mud, also no problem to her. And as for things worse than mud, well she liked those too. When she was younger, faster, and went further afield she rolled in some absolutely nasty things. And boy was she proud when she did that. Could not understand what all the fuss was about from the humans either. Oh, Lucky Dog. She had her own sleeping bag, and several of her own quilts. Even had her own tent for awhile. We wont talk about the toys, she had every one that she'd ever been given that had not been lost or stolen by another dog. We even gave her a fence (a joint gift to Alex too), but she really didn't appreciate that one. Prefered to range the hood on her own terms. Fortunately as she got older she became a bit of a Houdini and got in many unauthorized wanders this past summer. Several heart attacks were had when we realized she had disappeared AGAIN from the yard but all those stories turned out good. On a family outing she met her first bear on the trails last spring, although I don't think she actually saw it, and that is probably a good thing.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Twelve years is a very long time and there are so many good memories racked up. The yard is empty now. The house is quiet. I am tired from crying so much. The cat is louder than usual today, looking for his companion. We are coming to terms with her death, and celebrating her life. It was a great one, and we are so blessed that it was my truck that she ran in front of so many years ago.

A Very Good Dog

2008-10-18T10:32:00.000-05:00

Lucky in '07

Stop the clocks. Cover the windows. Put on your black. A very good dog has died. Lucky Dog, who was between 13-14 years old, passed on yesterday at 4pm. She was in kidney failure, and had been slowly and quietly declining for several months. When she stopped eating last week we realized something more than old age was wrong. When she could not eat without throwing up, or go on a simple walk with any pleasure, we knew it was time. She had not let us know how sick she was. She only wanted to please us. As always.

I found Lucky August summer of 1996. She was running loose on the streets, dodging cars, and ran across four lanes of traffic and right in front of my truck. I did not hit her, and thus she got her name. But it turned out I was the Lucky one. She had been neglected, abused, did not know what the inside of a house was. Probably left in a back yard on a chain her whole life. She did have a collar on, but it was so tight I had to cut it off. No one claimed her, thank goodness. After a few weeks of being fed and loved her personality came out. She started to shine, and even though no one would take her originally, and I had to move to accommodate her, I knew I had done the right thing. She got trained up in a snap, loved runs in the woods, and always came when called. After a month or two she even started to play, she was no longer the beaten down and neglected pooch I had found. Kevin was living his last months in Colorado and he flew in for a visit. I will never forget when she jumped out of my truck at the airport. She was very happy to meet him and he just laughed and laughed. She did look pretty funny with her big dog body and short legs. She sat on his lap for the three hour ride up to the North Shore, just happy as a clam getting her neck scritched.

She was always there after that. For every outing, every road trip, every friend coming over. She traveled the country many times. We were convinced that most of the people who traveled to our wedding came to see Lucky. And we did not disappoint. She was part of the ceremony, and she went on our honeymoon too. 12 years she lived with us. I will not lie and say she loved Alex. She was bumped as primary child and she knew it. But we gave her as much priority time as we could, and she never had a mean thing to say to the little intruder. In fact, once he started dropping food she saw his value, and even came to appreciate him. But she was always our dog, mine and Kevin's. Even though the cat came first, she was more of a child. She ventured into the world with us, and was always more dependent.

It has been hard. So hard to lose her. We chose to put her down, once we knew what everything added up to. We could have put her on IV's, and pain meds, and had more blood draws, tests, and procedures. She would have suffered it all, she would have continued to try to please us. But she could not eat. And she could not walk in the woods. And she just wanted to sleep. We did the best we could for her- there were no good answers since we could not turn back time. We were both there with her in the end. She went peacefully and in my arms with Kevin holding her paw. Alex had said good-bye and excuded himself to play. We buried her in the woods at Camp Bark in the Dark, next to another doggy friend.

We already miss her so much it is unbelieveable. She was the best kind of dog anyone could ever wish for. Please say a toast to Lucky, the Very Good Dog.

The Big Event

2008-10-10T13:33:00.001-05:00

Kevin and I renewing our vows (10th anniversary)...did you know they expire?? And yes, that is a gold strapless dress. I knew I could not beat my boys (in fashion) but figured I could join them. Hope I didn't look too dorky. Or old!

Alex held up very well in part II, his baptism. He was very shy but didn't mind the water too much.

With bow tie, "fox" sporran (former beannie baby), mini-Prince Charlie jacket (with real silver buttons), and fly plaid (the over the shoulder bit), Alex was dressed to meet the Queen. And yes, those were girls shoes, at least before Kevin added an extra buckle on the toe. He swears they are to proper shoe. Look out therapy bills...
And here the Kinney men are, actually in their Douglas tartans, as well as me and Grandma Becky. Granddad's mother was a Douglas, so they can wear Douglas or Mackenzie tartan ("Mackenzie" being the derivation "Kinney" came from). They all have such wonderful gear because Kevin sewed all the kilts and everything he and Alex are wearing. Yes, it is tough to live with such genius! Note that Alex and Kevin both have matching tartan vests, Kevin is trying to start a trend...

So, enough about the outfits. The event was exactly what it needed to be. Pastor Kathy was a wonderful officiant and it was lovely. We did not get outside due to threatening weather and various challenges with standing for long periods. So we were inside the foyer of our church, which is being remodeled. Other than the echos, which Alex didn't like, it was marvelous. These photos are the first we got to cyberspace, ones with better lighting may follow. I wish we had a photo of all family and friends and pets...maybe in the next batch. We kept it nice and small, but now I wish we had planned like a wedding! Oh well. Grandma's Becky, Jean, and Marty came, Grandfathers Chaz and Bruce, Uncle Craig, Alex's godparents, and a small crew of friends were in attendance. The whole week was a bit of a blur, with lots of visiting, food, and catching up. We wish we would have had many hours more with everyone. Alex was a trooper and even had a good amount of fun.

Now we are renewed, I forgot to check the next expiration date. Alex is well baptized and ready for confirmation. Well, maybe not just yet. Peace Church is a wonderful community and we are glad to have him grow up with a nice solid spiritual foundation. Fall is moving on here in the Northland and we are truly at Peak color now, with rain coming down. In two weeks all the color will be gone, but not forgotten. I am in the middle of my work week, first one back after vacation and not so bad. I knew I'd better get this post in before Fall gets away from me. On Monday I have my final shoulder surgery, just a little one to take out my Gore-tex strap, but I don't know if I will be able to type much for awhile. Now I am off to work, and will hopefully squeeze in a hike tomorrow with Alex and Lucky.

Don't Ask Questions

2008-10-03T13:50:00.000-05:00

Once again I have been blown away by our SLP. Speech and Language Pathologist. I have felt very stuck lately with communication with Alex and frustration has been rising like the tide. When she handed me a Little People play set of a wedding and asked me to play with Alex while she watched behind the glass I knew I was in trouble. In fact I blanked. Froze up and really wanted to cry and throw up the white flag yelling, "I can't!". I can't play with him in front of Her. She always knows how to connect, and lately I have been at a total loss. Well, I muddled through and it was extremely painful. She did not yell at me, or correct me, or even hit the nail on the head just then. She simply said I was aiming too high. I was thinking "wedding" (actually: recent-renewal-of-vows-how-did-she-know-and-how-do-I translate-this?????) and she was thinking "sit on chair, have girl sit on chair". Alex tuned right in when it was sitting a Little Person on a chair. In our next session she busted me for asking questions. Big time. I have fallen back in the habit of asking lots of questions of Alex, which is a big No-no. Basically it is the most stressful thing you can do to a kid with communication difficulties. Or it is simply quizzing him on things he already knows, which is not productive. And back to those communication difficulties, it has really hit me that although Alex knows a ton, and is very smart, general conversation and long sentances are completely foriegn languages to him. Unintelligable. Which is why he repeats odd things that don't make sense. It is like hearing a great cool french phrase and repeating it, but not understanding it. So, even though I know he is really smart, I have to remind myself that he is not yet fluent in English. By toning my verbasity down considerably in the last day I have increased communication with my little bug 90%. Hallelujiah.

So, if you want to know more about how to communicate with kids with autism and language delays check out autismgames.blogspot.com and Tahirihs recent posts. Her insights are amazing.

ps More on the big weekend wing ding soon...

Fabulous Fourty

2008-09-24T15:42:00.000-05:00

Well, looks like I made it. I was a wee bit uncertain last evening when I ended up running through the woods during a thunderstorm, but it all worked out just fine. It was only as I was approaching the granite and white pine (i.e. tall lightning rod) encrusted peak of the ridge that I questioned my safety, but I passed safely and had a riot on the run back down. Through the heavily overgrown snowmobile path that I never take, I got soaked. It was all very amusing since it was nice and warm out. Unfortunately the boys were not home to witness my return. But return I did and rolled right into my fourth decade.

Today I am starting things out right with good company (Kevin and Alex), good coffee, good sentiments from various and sundry dear people in my life, and a few good projects. Will post photos of the new gate entry to our picket kingdom, and the new bird feeding station. The yard is really coming together nicely and it has been a gorgeous day for puttering. Took the hound out to the Hartley woods after taking Alex to preschool, the leaves are beautiful and the sky is a crackin' blue. Nice breeze out too. I am exactly half way through my vacation and an extremely happy camper. Next a fair share of our relatives will be arriving for the weekends big event, our 10th Anniversary and Alex's Baptism. But tonight my buddy Samantha is taking me out for dinner and a movie. Looks like 40 wont be so bad after all.

Why I Love This Town

2008-09-21T21:54:00.000-05:00

I arrived at Bangin' in the Brush early and nervous. A 10km race through the woods north of town, it is a fundraiser for the Korkki Nordic ski trail. The "Bangin'" part is no joke, as this is an old fashioned trail through thick woods, best skied on with a good foot of snow for a base. In the fall it is rough and tumble. I have never raced it before but have been aware of it for years. They always have great T-shirts. That's all I had to go on, but figured if I seriously wanted to run a real race every season, and not just talk about it, then this was it. I was pretty sure my friend Anett, who is a crack outdoor athlete, would be there. I also figured I could be in trouble since I could never keep up with her, and have never raced more than five km. But then again, what the hell, it would be my last race in my 30's so might as well go out in style. Or a flaming, spectacular mess.

So, there I was at 10 am, alone in the woods. A few others waiting for the start, all strangers. And then, halleluja, Anett arrived. And then Stacey from book club. And then Ellen from the women's running group. And then Sara!! Who has pulled me through my two previous races. And then Julie from work. And then Lisa from Peace Church. And then Judith from book club who just deliverd my son's godfather's baby. And then two Dr's who sub on my unit. And then my pal Beckett's husband. And Rocket, who I've known since 1989. This town may have 90,000 residents, but I guess the outdoor nuts are pretty incestuous. I can't belive I've never run this race before! Well, okay, I really could not have run 10km without being near death before training this last year. In all there were over 100 of us running this race, 10 tough kilometers through brush, mud, and ankle busting hillocks. It was the perfect cool but sunny morning. Trees starting to color orange, gold, and red. I did not take off like a bat out of hell and blow up in the first mile (see past running posts), I took it slow and steady. Me and Sara, once again. Talking, laughing, and dragging each other up a few nasty hills. Over all it was beautiful. I guess I can survive 10 km. We did not set any land speed records, but we finished. And I even procured a loaf of bread at the prize drawings. Didn't exactly win it, but since I jumped on it after a fumble, I got it. And the two numbers on either side of mine won pairs of skis, maybe it will be my turn next year. I guess I will have to go back.

Today is a day later and I am rather sore, but not too bad. I am happy to have completed a trail 10km on short notice. Good to know I can do that now even if I slacked off a bit on the training this month. I guess that regular 30 minutes, 3 times a week really has paid off. Now maybe I will have to start working on speed, then there will be more beer left when I make it to the finish. Yeah, there's plenty of work to be done in these upcoming 40's. And plenty of crazy Duluthians to do it with.

September 18???

2008-09-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

How in the heck did it get to be September 18? This is my absolutely favorite month of the year and it has flown by. Not as fast as Granddad, working for FEMA in Texas, but pretty close. At least by my reckoning. So where did it go? Well, a small chunk went to my Uncle Earl's funeral in East Troy, Wisconsin. It was very good to see all my cousins, and their kids, and my Aunt Sandy, just a sad circumstance. I have not seen much of them since going off to college so it was very good to catch up. As I get older it seems to me that people don't often change a whole lot over their lives, they just tend to get more responsible. The same core person you knew when you were 10 is still there, they just are less likely to sit on you or tickle you until you scream. And they may or may not be at peace with the life they have lived so far. Most are and that is good too. Where else did the month go? Well, another chunk got rained out, that would be earlier this week. And early on I guess it was the "back to school" or rather "on to preschool" mind frame.

So, here we are, September 18 and barely an outdoor adventure to show for it. I have been on a few runs and a few walks. Got Alex out on his bicycle by the Lake yesterday. The leaves are turning for real now and some gorgeous shows are out there. Red, oragne, gold and yellows. The apples are looking very tasty on our tree. I saw a flock of Pelicans the other day at the playground, flying like geese but much slower. That was very cool. I also saw a bald eagle, and a sharp shinned hawk, and an osprey over Superior Street today. I can only imagine what they saw up on Hawk Ridge. Our chipmunks are going crazy building condos under our front steps, and the bunnies and squirrels are looking awfully fat these days. Plus there is a never ending stream of little brown birds flying through our yard, dodging the hawks. And birds keep flying into Kevin's shop looking to find a nice haven. For some reason he does not want them building nests in his fabric. Go figure.

Things have smoothed out a preschool and we had our big IEP meeting today. We did not even get yelled at for changing our minds, and the school folks seemed to think we had a good point putting Alex at Congdon Creek. He will be getting extra services and the school district will provide an aide that our boy will share with another little guy with extra challenges. They don't figure he will need much help...hurray!! Things are settling in nicely, I better go enjoy September while I can!

Better and Worse

2008-09-10T22:04:00.000-05:00

Well, all the things I was whining about have gotten better. Back to a more centered and even place, happy and mellow. Except for the fact that a family member has died. My Uncle Earl, my mother's sister's husband, passed away yesterday. It has been sobering. He had been ill with cancer, but we all like to think the people we know will beat the odds. And we forget that we will all Not beat the odds at some point. Mortality is tricky. Dwell on death too much and you start to die yourself, forget about it completely and meaning slips out the window. Kevin, Alex, and I are going down to Southern Wisconsin for the funeral, if I can get off work. But that is another story. My Uncle Earl was a great big man who liked everyone to enjoy themselves. He and my Aunt Sandy had three boys and a rough and tumble house. All I know about Football and Eucher(a trump card game) I learned from them. It will be good to see the family, Uncle Earl will be missed.

Kicking my ***

2008-09-06T16:19:00.000-05:00

This transition time is kicking my ass. There, I said it. I have been in a rotten, terrible mood for days now and can't seem to shake it. It is my week off, the weather has turned to perfect early fall, our new schedule is set, and I am a crab. I hate my mess, I hate all the things I have put off, I hate my clothes, and I hate my garden. They all need upgrading or burning. Oh well, I guess it can't all be roses.

I'm going for a run.

Another BIG Day

2008-09-04T19:55:00.000-05:00

Alex started at pre-school today. Regular pre-school. Filled with quirky, normal, half-crazy children. We are thrilled. Alex took it in stride. He swung at any kid getting in his space, but the teachers took that in their stride. The principal is excellent. I think Alex will love it within a week. So far no official word from the school district, but we did hear from his old teacher the other day. We are going to have a meeting in a week or so. The school bus showed up this morning. That was kind of hard (we did inform the school we were not coming) because it had been our routine for the last two years. His best little friend was sitting right up front on the little bus and I wonder if he even knew he was at Alex's house. He's not visited here and he used to get on after Alex, but someone might have told him. I hope he didn't know. I feel a little bit bad for not sticking with the district and advocating for the changes we need from within, but I really did not want him to start kindergarten this year. So I would have felt bad bailing from the Autism program next spring and insisting he do kindergarten over. All things considered I'll take my guilt hits now. I am nervous that it will all turn out terrible, but that is just average nerves. I really do have a good feeling about the whole plan, and feel we are on the right path.

Another note, we found an excellent OT today. We started OT to just help get a handle on physical things for Alex. Our guy, Doug, diagnosed a few things right off the bat. He said Alex probably has a very hard time moving food around with this tongue and knowing where the food is, so he likes to stuff his mouth with familiar textures that grind up easy(bread and crackers) or eat smooth things. This is part of "motor planning" and we are going to start working on this from different angles. He also suspected that Alex can't lie on his stomach and put his hands out like superman, and dang if he wasn't right. We are going to work on that too. Should help with strength and balance to get that on line. Plus he had a riot on the zip line and stretchy hammocks and trapeze. I love our clinic. One other weird thing, Alex cannot step on big squishy blocks. They are too wobbly for him and freak him out. He gave up immediately. Oh. are we going to have fun building obstacles in the basement.

So, that's it. The boy is crashed already, and it is time to veg out to a fluffy movie!

The Big 05

2008-08-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

As promised, the Alex photo from his birthday. We have tried the bike (and new helmet) and he is liking it more and more. How can this be??
ps He picked red this year for his birthday decorations...last year it was pink :-)

Birthday Boy

2008-08-26T08:36:00.000-05:00

Mr. Alex turned 5 years old yesterday. 5! How can this be? Just the other yesterday we were having a baby. Now we have a bona fide pre-schooler. This must be some kind of magic. Or brain trauma. Either way it is mysterious. I told him the story of the day he was born (the cleaned up version without all the angst, trauma, and medical personnel) and he greatly enjoyed the pictures. He is getting very interested in the growing process and the stories of him as a "bayybeeee", as he says. Right now he keeps climbing into my lap and trying to type, so I will keep this short. His big birthday present was a bicycle with training wheels and we are all very excited about that. I will post pictures when I can, after he stops jumping in my lap and I get some coffee in!

A word from Alex:
ccccccccccccccccccvbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

Wrecked

2008-08-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

Man, am I tired. But it is a good tired. Am off to bed soon, but just had to sneak a post in. It has been a huge day. Before Alex's 8:30 speech appointment this morning Kevin told me our therapist, Tahirih, wanted to mostly consult with me (rather than the usual excellent playing with Alex). She, like us, was becoming uncomfortable with our school plan for Alex this year. He has made such massive gains this summer that sending him to the full time Autism classroom again seemed not quite right. Sure, the idea of an already set plan with lots of professionals on board has it's comfort, but there were many questions that were not clearly answered. We sat down and looked at his IEP for the coming year, and reviewed how the meeting went last spring. At the time we were being pushed by his teachers to start him in kindergarten. Not given any other suggested routes or options. It was that or we were on our own, even though his summer birthday is 6 days before the cut off. We were still on the waiting list for the Scottish Rite Language Clinic, and had barely started at Polinsky with Nikki the excellent therapist. In the meeting the teachers assured me this was the best place for Alex, but many red flags went up. First off they kept down grading his expectations for academics. They stated they did not want to aim too high (even in light of the fact he is age appropriate or above for academics). Then their idea of mainstreaming was to keep him in the Autism classroom all day, except for recess and lunch. With no assistance in those most stressful group times. I advocated against that plan, got him time in the class for his favorite subjects, and an aide for the tough open social times. But it still felt wrong. I also did not like that it was only offered full day, and the teacher poo-pooed my idea that I would like to mainstream him within a year or so. "Oh, you'll want to keep him here for when it gets tougher when he is older." Hmmm. When I was older in school I would have loved to have a room to hang out in with a big swing and lots of toys, what's the motivation to leave?? Especially if the teacher has no plan to fully let you go.

So, after discussing all this with Tahirih (who is a miracle woman), and another veteran of the
school district, we started looking at options. Especially in light of all the gains Alex has made over the summer. Did I mention that last week we went swimming in Lake Superior for a couple hours (it was beautifully warm) and he could not contain himself around other children? He was yelling, "Hi! Hi! I'm Alex!! Hi! Swim with me? My friend Alaina is coming!! Hi!!!". I did not stop smiling all day. And there have been many other moments of his connecting with other kids and really wanting to play with them. So, play he shall. We have scrapped the school plan and he is off to pre-school in a couple weeks. An honest to goodness, mainstream preschool. Filled with typical, quirky, half-insane children. Not too many, a 1-8 ratio with 28 maximum. Alex got go there last year to pick up his friend Fraya for play dates, so he is already amped at the idea. I met with the director today, at the initial call she remembered Alex, me, and Kevin from our Fraya pick ups. Cool. And she is very down to earth. Now all that remains is to inform the school district (left a message with the Special Ed director today, who is very approachable) and we will see if the schools will be willing to help us with this plan or will wash their hands of us. We will work it out either way. We are moving from a plan of Alex in class full time, five days a week 8:30-2:30, to three afternoons a week at pre-school. What are we, nuts?? But then we can keep on with the home program, keep going to our therapists, and see how fast we can catch up with the mainstream. Good thing all the work is play based, since play is a specialty in this house. Good-night!

Another Summer Post

2008-07-29T10:07:00.000-05:00

A quick and in-between-things post, just to let you know we are alive and well. It is high summer and I am blogging in shorts and a swim top. It is almost hot, which I hate, but will survive. Kevin and Alex are off at the dentist, something Alex looks forward to. Seriously. He likes the suction snorky thing and the neat chair. Hopefully we can keep it that way. Kevin is working hard, as usual, keeping up with Empire orders (! in the summer!) and creating stock, as well as looking into ways to revive Vulpine. It is such a great mission to provide adaptive gear, we just need to figure out how to make it viable. As for me, I am in the middle of my work week. Summer is odd because it is either floating (yuck), or kids that are often very ill and not very nice (yuck), or No Pay Days (yeah). I try to just show up and not get too anxious about the whole situation. Speaking of "situations", I am coming up on 40 and this is freaking me out a bit. I did not think this would happen to me, but never say never. I was warned by a few friends that went before that it is a sneaky one, but thought I'd breeze through like every other birthday. I guess the whole "mid-life crisis" thing isn't just for yuppies. I have been contemplating my errors of the past and fears for the future way too much, and am vowing to Knock It Off. I try to remind myself that I may not be as young as I used to be, but I am also not as dumb as I used to be. Pain has returned to my bum shoulder, which hasn't helped, but I get the next Dr. update next week. It is now one year and a day since I crashed on my shoulder. All things considered I should be over the moon. Maybe there is a touch of Anniversary PTSD going on too.

So, the good news. I had a fantabulous time at the races here in town. Kayaking remains my passion, and I am lucky I found it and grabbed it. We, the paddling families, are starting to strategize ways to get the kids out. Some folks have double whitewater kayaks, we got Alex out on flat water in a canoe, and we met a family whose 10 year old races, who may be willing to sell one of their inflatable kayaks. The trick is to make river time fun for the little ones. We also have friends with rafts, which is another option. So we just need to start going out to play on the river with these different options. More on those adventures to come. And on that note, while family friends went out and paddled with their grade school boy last weekend, we looked after his four year old brother on land, with Alex. The boys had a good time together and Alex was very into his playmate. Calling his name and asking him to play. This is HUGE! We have been very busy working on developmental issues through play this summer, and it is paying off. I can't say what a relief it is to have him interacting on an appropriate and fun level with other kids! We also went to see the movie Wall-e and he is still talking about it. We are also making progress on food issues, which is another big challenge. He has a few new foods, like cucumbers, and apples, with more to come. Overall, we are having a charming time with him. Every day he is coming up with new things to say and new ideas. Funny, goofy things that I will have to start writing down. Plus he remains cute as a bug-in-a-rug and a charmer for the ladies. Most don't mind his shyness!

But, speaking of the boys, they have just returned from the dentist. Must go get the report, and then we will have a new-foods picnic. Hope all are having good weeks.... Cheers!

My Favorite Part

2008-07-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

Rowan all geared up.

On my wonderful Wausau trip I had many excellent experiences. Many. But my absolute favorite was getting my dear friend Shereen's boys into boats. Rowan, her oldest, was very interested and because of that we made it happen. During lunch on the second racing day I got him all geared up and we went down to the flat water to try it out. We even got his little brother to try after a bit. Rowan had very good instincts and was not afraid. He had good paddle strokes and a nice sense of boat handling. Look out Shereen, getting in a race boat on flat water at Wausau is exactly how I got hooked!

Two new addicts?!

Room to Breathe

2008-07-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

Wow, time is flying. I feel like I just got home from my trip to Wausau, and it has actually been a week. Every moment has been scheduled and this is my first chance to get to my blog. Yowzers. Where to start? Wausau.

Back to my home town. It is always very strange to go back to Wausau. Part of me feels like I never left, but then I run across new stuff all the time. The wonderful, open, grassy square downtown throws me (it used to be a rundown Kresgees). My high school is condos. And there is a new giant building towering over the lagoon where I first sat in a slalom kayak and got totally hooked. My old house looks the same, but the trees are 25 feet taller and much bushier. It is all rather trippy. But also nice and comfortable. I stayed out at the camp I went to as a little kid, that was really cool. And I also stayed with in-laws (my sisters) and friends(my dear friend Jennifer's parents), and that was even better. I met a whole bunch of new paddling folks, and hooked up with many old paddling friends. I was paddling, checking out a slalom clinic, and racing too, and I got lots of on water time. Since I am not as young as I used to be (and not as dumb as I used to be) I stretched every day and did very decent warm ups almost every time I got wet. Not a single injury (knock on wood) and only one power sinus douching. The weather was fine, and the coaching even finer. My biggest problem was my own head, and a fair amount of rusty-ness. I was not very happy with myself for the first four days, but by Sunday I was pulling off some satisfying runs. I was one off in my hoped for finishing places on both days (third not second...out of four), but when it came to the sprint for cash I finally got what I wanted. Second place and $25. What could be finer? I also made it on to the local news (hee-hee).

The whitewater was everything I remembered, and more. They have rearranged the Wausau course over the last few years and there are four new holes. Those were surprising, at first. Then there were the moves the coaches were making us do. Tough, technical, and frustrating. Or I should say, FRUSTRATING. I eventually got every single move that was killing me, at least once, but never quite all together. Oh well, next time. And besides, it was still fun. Or maybe more fun because of that.

And then there were family and friends. I started and ended well. On my first day I got to see my mom, my sister, my niece and nephew, and my sisters in-laws (who are great). In the middle I met up with my old dear friends Shereen and met her boys and her husband. We had an excellent supper and next day I got to get the boys in boats and show them the ropes. They did great! And for the grand finale I stayed with Mom and Dad Davis and my final stop in town was at their new condo (absolutely gorgeous) for a shower, a wonderful bite to eat, and to try and catch the news. No luck, but showed off my medal, hugs all around, and hit the road again. It was quite a week.

I missed my boys terribly while I was gone, and must bring them the next time. It was very odd being out on my own, like I used to do all the time. Especially weird to be at the camp with new people and footloose paddlers my own age. It has probably been a good 10 years since I have done something like that, maybe my last week long instructor clinics. Good to know I can still jump in cold with a group of new people and find my place pretty quickly.

And now, home again home again jiggety jig. I got in last Sunday at midnight and up and out by 8:00am the next morning. We have a chock-a-block activity schedule now so it was all go, all week. And work at night. I kept hoping for no-pay-days but alas, no luck. I did get one...but it was revoked 10 minutes later. Needless to say, I was less than pleased. But I muddled through. Alex is doing really great, his language and concepts are blossoming. We are in at the Scottish Language Clinic for the summer, and moving forward on eating issues with an 8 week feeding clinic. Otherwise know as "Play with your Food!". He even ate a rice crispy bar this week...now that's my boy. And my other "boy" is doing well too. Tired, after sending me to play, but seems quite happy. Looks like our Adaptive work is not so dead, and may simply be in a deep sleep. Will keep you posted.

And now I have a week off. Not a full week, due to some switching, but a good start. Planning on getting a little rest, and a little breathing space. Going camping next weekend, and have our local slalom the next weekend, so still busy, but once I get some downloads in order you can see the grin on my face. Happy summer...

Summer and the Blogging is Slow

2008-06-21T10:27:00.000-05:00

Hello readers out there. Summer is truly here in the Northland and the living is busy. And the computer is very uncooperative. It does not like any kind of heat and may take 10-15 tries to get started. Then it may quit at any moment. Needless to say I don't always get to try number 15 before I give up. Especially since timing and time management are not my specialties and I am usually cranking up the computer on a whim. I will get more focused soon, but not until I get to Wausau and have an awesome on water time. This little trip of mine is taking all my extra mental energy, after taking care of my little bug and getting myself to work when required. Blog, home, and all other issues (like good cooking, regular gym time, finances, and anything cleaning) have taken a big back seat for now. Alex is doing good, and we actually turned a corner on home life by investing in "Floortime". More on this after next weeks adventure. Kevin is my hero, as ever, for stepping up to let me go for five days. Not sure why I deserve him but will just be happy about the whole situation. I will get to see my sister, my niece and nephew, my mom, and my dear friend Shereen on my trip too so there will be lots to tell. Hopefully the shoulder will hold out and the boat wont sink. I have actually been training so maybe I wont embarrass myself too much. Or that could just be wishful thinking!

Maybe it's not ALL good : Alex Report #3

2008-06-14T08:09:00.000-05:00

Uuufff-da mackie, as we say up north, it's been quite a month. Not long after Alex Report #2, where I stated, "It's all good.", the worm turned. Progress seemed to stop and we even maybe went a little backwards. Alex began to increase his repetitive phrases, his frustration tolerance got shorter and finally became non-existent, his repetitive behaviors increased, compliance decreased, and everything became a fight. Everything. School ended. Summer began. Routine evaporated. Parental tempers became increasingly frayed and finally broke a few times. Alex began to spend a lot of time in time out. It was looking to be a long, long summer. To add insult to injury, there was insurance trouble, things not being covered that should be, and annoying difficulty scheduling his horseback riding, which kept the rest of the summer schedule on hold. Plus the school cancelled one summer school day (down to two from three), and dared to take a one week break. Yikes, what a mess. Meanwhile the weather was going nuts in the rest of the country and world, with floods, fires, and earthquakes, and other friends are having huge upheavals in their lives. At least our problems are minuscule compared to true tragedy.

But they are still ours, and fortunately the worm turned again and we may all survive this period. The big break was a new parent group at the Scottish Language Clinic with my hero Tahirih. She gave us all a primer in the Floortime Method. It is a way of teaching and playing with kids with communication difficulties, and it is awesome. I have more to say but my boys are back from an overnight and it's time for some "floortime" with Alex. Apologies for a short, incomplete post but summer isn't looking so bad after all.

Partly Cloudy with a chance of Rhubarb

2008-06-04T11:41:00.000-05:00

Once again, the skies are grey and the air is cold, but summer is definitely coming. The lilies and peonies are up and budding, the lilacs are just about to pop, and my rhubarb is monstrous. I planted it two years ago from a grower at the farmers market. It was about 6 inches across. I was good and did not cut it the first year. I only took about half last year when it was a foot and a half across. And this year I just might be able to feed a small nation with it's five foot spread. I have never seen a rhubarb this big. The leaves are much larger than dinner plates. They make great floppy hats, and could be used for roofing material. Maybe it is time to get going on that dream tree house with Alex. And in the mean time, I get to harvest it all. Most of the stalks are destined to be rhubarb crisps. Bubbly, tart, and hot, with crunchy, buttery, sugary tops. MMMmmmm. Summer in the Northland.

Firsts

2008-05-23T09:29:00.000-05:00

There have been many firsts, lately. The first lawn mowing. The first day with the windows open and the heat off. The first sunburn. The first day that Hawk Ridge is green, not brown. And Kevin and Alex had a big first too.

It was up on Hawk Ridge. This is the ridge at the back of our neighborhood. We live in between Lake Superior and Hawk Ridge, about one mile of little houses. Hawk Ridge is so named because of an autumn phenomenon. The hawks and eagles of the north migrate south, but they will not cross large bodies of water. Lake Superior slants to the north east, and all the raptors heading south from north eastern Minnesota and up into Canada funnel along the shore. As they hit Duluth the ridge is the perfect place for viewing them, and the winds at times are perfect for making giant kettles of birds. They number into the hundreds at times, and even into the thousands when conditions are right. The whole ridge is wooded, with trails winding throughout and wonderful overlooks for the lake and our 'hood.

So, the boys were up on Hawk Ridge last week, hiking among the newly green trees with the dog. A beautiful day to be out in the sun... and so it is not surprising they were not alone. When Kevin saw the big black dog he was not surprised. When he saw it's bigger mother, and she stood up, he stopped all forward motion. Fortunately they were just a little far off, and Lucky could not see over the old, brown grass. She probably would have hid anyways, bears not being her favorites. Being a good daddy, Kevin picked up Alex like a suitcase, and began to quietly back away. The bears could have cared less. Once the mama bear concluded the Kinney boys were not a threat she continued quietly munching. Black bears generally are very mellow, unless you trap them in your garage. Kevin swears this was the Lakeside Bear, who has a cub or twins every year and often raids local bird feeders. I am not so sure, but whoever she was she gave Alex something to talk about. His first wild bear sighting at age four, I'm so proud!

(And if you like birding, check out www.hawkridge.org, it's all about the raptors and the ridge.)

Going to Wausau

2008-05-19T09:57:00.000-05:00

It is Spring (at least for another week) and my thoughts have turned to KAYAKING. I held off on the early season paddling this year because I did not trust my shoulder. Early season is high water, remote locations, cold temps, and the need to be spot on. No way I could get my head around that. So no "Steep Creeking" for me, instead I am all Slalom. It is way more controlled and for some strange reason I just love it. LOVE IT. I was out tuning up the flat water race site last week and finally got in my boat yesterday. It felt good. Kevin and Alex went out hiking with Lucky while I indulged my passion. We have our races here in July, but before that I get an extra adventure. I am off to Wausau to help with a race clinic and race myself, at the end of June. I am so excited I am bouncing!